10 things to be happy about today

I have to admit I have been rather anti-social some time back and I have politely refused to meet up with friends who wanted to visit me. While I do enjoy the perks that come with having cancer, I'm getting tired to be talking about cancer. And friends though they mean well, have no idea that I do not want to discuss my cancer; whether I'm doing ok or if the cancer is gone,etc. Hence one of  the reasons for this blog so people I know get the information I wanna share about my health right here.

Anyway I have started to see friends again. And to my surprise, they have asked me very little about cancer. We talked about everything else. And it feels that my world is getting back to normal after all. 

So today, after my daily morning walk, I felt really happy and in a good place. I pondered on what made me happy today. Here goes:

1. I'm alive. Despite a little body and bone ache, I feel great. My skin is returning to a healthy colour and I don't look grey anymore. My hair is growing, slowly but surely. I'm regaining my strength.

2. I have a great family. A crazy hubby who has a good heart and is very generous with me. A daughter who is growing up too soon but has progressed so well through the years. My dad who is awesome and visits me weekly. My siblings who are always there for me.

3. I have loads of wonderful friends. I have started to meet up with them and will continue to do so. Maybe they hate to talk about my cancer too as it can't be easy saying the right things to a person who has been through an illness.

4. I can work when and if I want to. No pressure or stress. Just focus on getting healthy again.

5. I have the time to catch up on my reading and writing, and to start studying any subject that interests me. I can even go back to starting a hobby like painting.

6. I'm half way through my Herceptin treatments, and can't wait for it to be over so I don't have to visit the hospital every 3 weeks.

7. Online shopping. I can't seem to get enough of exploring all the e-stores out there. Love it!

8. Marathon movie-watching sessions on Netflix.

9. I love hanging out at home. There are days where I can stay in and not bother to step out at all. All I need is at home.

10. My time alone makes me happy. I have so much to work within myself. As we know, happiness is an inside job!

Post-chemo thoughts

I haven't been posting anything for a bit now.  It's not that I haven't had anything to say but I was simply too busy to really have the time to sit down and pen my thoughts. Plus I've been lazy. I have much to say when I'm down in the doldrums or deliriously happy instead of in a plain normal mode.

I've been travelling a lot these past 2 months -- to Europe and the States but that deserves another post with pictures, of course. * Hint, I visited Niagara Falls coz it was on my bucket list.

Post-chemo time is great in so many ways. You suddenly feel free to jump back into the pace of  your daily life, instead of feeling and looking sick, then counting the days before you feel better and ready for your next chemo.  Well, I still have to continue my Herceptin treatments every 3 weeks but there is no side effects from it. So basically apart from getting healthy again, I have nothing much to stress over. Just eat healthy, exercise and do nothing that annoys me. 

If only it was that simple. 

I'm lucky that I can take my time to get back to the daily routine of life. You can never jump back in to daily routine, more of easing your way in. And things do seem the same, yet different. Every morning instead of drinking coffee first I now make my own vegetable juice and have it instead.

When it comes to work, well, I'm working freelance and that means I get to choose which projects I want to work on. I also have my handbag business to concentrate on but it's nothing too major that will stress me out. That's good as we all  know that stress is not good for cancer.

I'm so happy that I have the freedom to do as I please as I'm still having a delayed reaction to having cancer. It's been nearly a year that I had been admitted to the hospital and had undergone the whole range of treatments. My mind can't seem to focus on anything else. All I think is how do I build my immune system, what type of exercises should I do, what kind of juice and diet do I need and if I could ever afford organice vegetables and fruits to help me lead a healhty life?

My biggest fear is wondering if all the treatments that I have endured had successfully killed all my active cancer cells? Am I in remission? I will only know this when I do my check-up in early July, a month from now. 

There will always be this fear in me because like I've said before, I can do my part to fight the cancer but the rest is out of my hands. I have the best medical treatments, fab doctors and great support system (except for a few bad apples), and yet I really can't be sure that I will be around for the next 5 or 10 years to see my daughter graduate? And that's a gloomy outlook even for someone who has until now had a positive attitude in dealing with my cancer.

It will always be on my mind, once you have cancer it stays with you just like herpes. Only thing is that herpes doesn't kill you. I have had nights where I have woken up panicking thinking that the cancer is back and I'm gonna die. I even have to tell myself that death aint that bad, so calm down and breathe. I just hate to live in fear. The unknown. 

My friends tell me that they admire my strength in undergoing what I have but some days I feel weak. I'm so tired. Tired of the battle. Tired of being strong. Tired of the whole cancer stuff.   

Travelling helps me forget what I'm going through and to just enjoy new places and new experiences, but it is always at the back of my mind.

No matter how postive I am on my good days, thoughts of cancer returning never really leave my mind. Today, I wish I never had cancer! It has scarred me -- mentally, physically, emotionally.