"Are you keeping some anger inside you?"

There is no doctor out there or any studies that can actually tell you why you have cancer. There are many possible reasons but no difinite ones.

I know mine has a lot to do with stress and keeping lots of surpressed emotions within. Though I tell myself that I can't change someone or a situation, and therefore should let things that are not within my control to just unfold by itself, I don't seem to be able to let go.

How does one let go? It's not that I'm a person who loves to be in charge or take control. As far as I know I've always been a follower, seldom a leader.

Just a couple of weeks ago, while waiting to see my ocologist, I met an elderly lady and her husband. We were both reading some article on the pin-up board at the chemotherapy clinic and somehow started a conversation. Her husband had cancer and had just completed his chemo treatments. He was there for a follow-up check-up.

While discussing about possible causes of cancer, she suddenly asked me if I was keeping some anger or grudge against a male or a female? According to her, depending on which side of the breast I had cancer, it could refer to a woman or a man.

I thought that was interesting, as I've read before that cancer sometimes manifests itself  when someone has much emotional baggage surpressed and stored within them.

Most illnesses are due partly coz of emotions, negative emotions, that find its way, bit by bit gnawing away inside a physical body. And one fine day, ta dah, you have cancer. Your whole world crumbles. You do all you can to be able to live.

But not before you ask God why? Why me? It's not that I don't have loads on my plate, why give me a buffet to deal with?

Amidst all the crazy emotions that run the gamut from denial, anger, fear to determination, I took a good look at my life. Having cancer made me do a stock-take of my life.

What kind of life had I led? What kind of person was I? Was I a good daughter, wife, mother, sister, friend?

What was my passion in life? I read somewhere, (yes, I've been reading a lot since my cancer diagnosis), that a person should have a passion in life and a goal so that gives her hope and courage to fight the cancer battle and win coz of the great desire to achieve this goal and live her passion.
It's the burning fuel that cures cancer coz of the desire to want to live.

I don't know of anyone who wants to die. Even people who commit suicide ... do they really wanna die if they had a choice?

We also never really give up on our dreams though we may put it on a side-burner, putting everyone's needs above ours, thinking we still have time.

But when you have cancer, time is not something you are sure of. You wanna live for now, do all the 1000 things on your bucket list in one month, if that is even possible, coz suddenly you realize time may be running out. (I love this song by Muse) You start thinking of yourself.

Ok that sounds a bit morbid, but as I try to be very positive and wanna be a survivor, and one day look back at this period of my life as a dark period but also a period where I learnt to value my life and the people around me, not to take things for granted and to simply be a better person, I do know that I play a small role in this. It is up to God.

I'm afraid it's bad news, you have cancer

After the routine mammogram, I did the ultra-sound, both pretty uncomfortable when you have fibrocystic boobs. I noticed that the doctor kept going over the spot that I had found the lump. I don't like it when a doctor tells you that she isn't too happy with what she sees, however, to be very sure she needs me to get a biopsy done as soon as possible.

After the ultra-sound I went to see my breast surgeon. She looked at me and said the same thing she told my mom when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer 8 years ago. "I don't like what I see, you need to do a biopsy." Before that she also asked me why I had not come in last year for my check-up.

How could I tell her when I didn't know why I had not done my yearly check-up. My hubby kept reminding me to do so and I kept putting it off. And I guess that's why I'm in this situation, but I'm still lucky to have caught it at this stage.

My biopsy was scheduled the next day. It was painful, even though the doctor had injected me with pain killers. I have a low pain-threshold. I used whatever technique I knew, breathing technique and centering myself but I could still feel the discomfort when my flesh was being extracted from my dear boob.

I was in day-care so I could rest for a few hours in the hospital before I was allowed to go home.

I saw my breast doctor a few days later.  I just knew it wasn't good news.

As I went into her room with my 11-year-old daughter, my doctor looked at me and asked me if I had brought an adult family member. She asked if my sister was with me as my sister was also her patient. I told her no, and to just tell me my diagnosis. I was prepared for the news. Of course, nobody is prepared to hear, "you have cancer."

Since I 'll be be refering to my doctor a lot, I 'll use her name. Doctor Pat told me that I had invasive ductal carcinoma Stage 2B. She said they needed to remove the cancerous lump and also a few lymph nodes to see if they were carcinoma, and to do further tests.

My lumpectomy was done four days later, and they had found that one of my lymph nodes had cancerous cells in it. They removed the 2.1 cm lump and 13 lymph nodes. I stayed in the hospital for four days. I wasn't in pain or anything, just weak so I kept sleeping quite a bit. My sweet daughter kept me company and was actually my private little nurse.

When the results were out from the laboratory, about a week later,  my doctor informed me that I had Stage 2B estrogen progesterone postive and HERS 2 positive Grade 3 breast cancer.  Which meant that after chemotherapy and radiotherapy, I would be on hormone therapy for the next 5-10 years. Forced into an early menopause was not how I had planned my years ahead to be like. But I had to follow the medication if I was to be completely healed.

I'm really comfortable with my breast surgeon. She allowed me time to get over my shock of the news -- cry buckets, and was very caring. She felt that I needed to think it over with my husband and family, and to perhaps meet up with the oncologist that she had recommended just to see if I was comfortable with him.

My husband, daughter and I met up with the oncologist. He explained to us thoroughly the type of cancer I had and how the cells were dysfunctional, and also the kind of chemotherapy I would need.
I was to start with 4 rounds of 3-weekly AC drugs and 12 rounds of weekly Taxol drug. Then monthly, Herceptin drug, and Tamoxifen for 5 to 10 years.

I felt pretty comfortable with the doctor and he could answer most of my questions.  I was concerned about the side effects of the drugs and if I could cope well with it. Also, I needed to know the success rate for patients with my diagnosis. He seemed very positive. He said I was basically healthy and still young, and should do pretty well with the chemo course laid out for me.

We left the hospital feeling that at least I was going to get the best medical care to treat breast cancer. It's really important when you feel comfortable with your medical team and trust that you are in the best hands.

When you are facing cancer, good support from your family and friends matter. I'm lucky to have it all. Now everything lay in my hands; informed knowledge of my diagnosis, I can play an active role in my healing, and a correct mindset and attitude to battle cancer.

Ok who am I kidding? I was scared as hell, I kept thinking, WTF,  I had plans. I could now travel cheaply around the world, ( perks of being married to a pilot) , and here I was home-bound, gonna go bald and looking like I had escaped from prison, and God knows what kinda party the cancer cells are having in my body!

One crazy year has gone by

More than a year has passed by since I last wrote my true thoughts.

I left everything within me, carrying a huge baggage. And it's time to de-clutter and get rid of the excess.

Reading back my blog posts, I seemed to have changed too. Life has a way at catching you off-guard when you are having so much fun, and throwing you in the deep. Swim or drown, you decide.

But most importantly, you have survived.

My journey was unpleasant and challenging, but I've learnt so much about myself and other people. It's when you are in trouble that you know who your true friends are, and I must say it that you need your family.

You must appreciate your family, and your true friends, and let them know that too. Because let me tell you, when you are down, they are the ones always there for you. It can be time consuming and draining to be with someone who is going through a trauma in life. So, I'm grateful to my family and close friends.

I'm dealing with what has happened, a day at a time.

Most people deal with one trauma at a time. But me being me, when it rained, not only did it pour, it freaking flooded.

If I can go though such life-wrenching drama, anyone else can. Because guess what? We are so much stronger than we give ourselves credit for.

Love and peace xxx