Is he bad for you?

I've had my share of choosing bad men over the good ones. You know the ones that stray whenever your back is turned, the party guys, the liars, the ones that never quite grew up and the ones that are just irresponsible.

But somehow these are the ones I'm drawn too as they live life recklessly, which can be exciting and exhilarating in a world when most things are so mundane. 

But after the initial thrill is gone, you then see these bad guys for what they really are. If you met him when both of you were out partying and having a good time, the party boy might still want to continue partying while you may have had enough of it. How many times a week can you wake up with a bad hangover? 

Your goals in life change over time and as we get older we tend to find other ways to find joy and happiness. 

I've been with guys who are players. 

He can love you and be nice to you, showering you with gifts and awesome holidays; and make you feel you are the most beautiful and important person in his life yet when he is away from you for long periods of time, he can and will be unfaithful to you. 

It's horrible to have to constantly check on your partner to know if he is cheating. Stalking his Facebook, LinkedIn and Instagram accounts can be so tiring and stressful. Sometimes I think I may have been a sucker for punishment allowing myself to go through all this shit for a guy.

Was it even love or just my bruised ego, and thinking that I could repair a guy or make him change if he loves me. It's such a waste of time, I realize now.

I wasted all that time and suffered in silence, hurt by the betrayal and forever forgiving and only to have the same thing repeated.

Lies. Betrayal. They hurt. They change you. And most times these guys don't even know or care that they are hurting you.

For the longest time, I thought that if I was better at this and that, then these scumbags will change. But now I know the problems were in them. They had unresolved issues and they did things that made them feel happy, loved, or whatever -- whether it was me or another girl as their partner, they would do the same.

It took me so long to figure this out and to let go of these toxic emotions. 

Will a player ever change? Will a liar ever stop lying? Will it even matter anymore?

Damn you cancer

I've been having a rough time these few days. Firstly, I came back from my first proper vacation which coincided with my birthday, so I'm blaming part of it on post-holiday blues. The other part would be that my whole body is aching, God knows if it's from the cold weather in London and Brussels, or from all the chemo drugs, and now radiotherapy.

I had so many story ideas, and I had wanted to update my blog but I've just been having foggy brains, and couple that with fatigue, I just lay in bed mostly, doing nothing. I forget stuff that I want to buy. I forget dates, days, names. It can be so frustrating at times, so I've just have had to write everything down in my Moleskine. Gosh it sucks being stupid and blur, and many seconds too slow. I used to frown upon people like these, and voila, I'm one now. Karma is a bitch.

I just started radiotherapy. I've had 4 sessions out of the 20 I need. Going to hospital daily for 5 minutes of radio is a pain in the neck. I drive myself to hospital, valet for RM12, and out of there in less than half an hour. It takes longer to get ready than to actually do the treatment.

I am starting to sound and feel pretty anxious. Am I on the road to a meltdown? I've been doing so well all this time. Well, it's no fun going to the hospital and seeing sick people daily. Most have visible burn marks from the radiation; two of whom I saw was on their necks. I think that shook me up quite a bit.

So far I have not had any burnt marks. Too early, says my oncologist. Probably in 2 weeks' time, depending on my skin -- I might feel some discomfort. So for now I just need to avoid soap around the affected area when I shower; no perfume or deodorant too.

I also need to exercise the affected arm as they reckon I would feel sore and feel some tightness, which I have already experienced.

I saw my oncologist today as I had my second chemo maintenance treatment of Herceptin. That took 2 hours from beginning to end. So all in I was in the hospital for 5 hours today. To do Herceptin followed by radio is really a double whammy. I feel irritated, due to the bone ache, and also interrupted sleep I've experienced for the past few nights.

I wake up in the middle of the night with hot flashes. I'm perspiring and my body feels like it's engulfed in flames. Not a nice feeling considering I haven't even started Tamoxifen, the hormone pill I need to take for the next 5 to 10 years. It is getting a lot more depressing with all the side effects that are slowly popping up. 

My doctor prescribed some anti-inflammatory pills and also sleeping pills. I'm gonna pop some and hit the sack now.

Good nite folks. I can feel my brain shutting down. Knackered. May tomorrow be a better day for me and all those battling cancer and know what I'm going through. For those of you who are healthy, be thankful and go enjoy yourselves to the max! Don't worry about silly stuff like a bad hair day or fat thighs, all these are so trivial when you have your health.

P.S  I managed to throw in an hour or so poring over beautiful handbags and shoes online. I think I hit me a nice handbag. That saved my day.

What cancer has taught me (Part 1)

I've read somewhere that God doesn't put you in situations which he thinks you can't handle. So my guess is he thinks I can handle cancer and whatever effects it has on me and the people I care about.
You see when you have cancer it is not just you dealing with it. It affects your spouse, kids, parents and siblings and your close friends.........even your Instagram and facebook friends.

Some of these people stay by your side, and some just get lost. Cancer has taught me who my real friends are. Also how people cope when you are ill. Some things they do disappoint you, some makes you cry and some just don't matter.

You learn along your journey that no matter what, you have your family to care for you. Family is important; so do your best to make time for them and their needs too. I guess I learnt to not just think that the world revolves around me, and to listen to other people's issues and how I could offer my two cents worth.

These past few months I have learnt to trust my instincts and to block off things that were stressing me. I truly believe that what you don't know doesn't hurt you. So I have stopped wasting my time finding fault or should I say looking for fault. Being ill just opens up your eyes that so many of these issues are not important anymore.

I learnt to shut one eye, and in doing that to find peace and joy that I have seldom experienced in the past. I always felt I was at sea on a stormy day and I had to do all I could to battle the weather just to stay alive. I was always alone. Now all I visualize is blue skies, calm azure crystal clear water and me floating at sea without any worry or fear. Just bliss.

I've been in so many different careers in my lifetime from being a PR consultant, writer for a magazine, copywriter in an ad agency, aromatherapist, maternity fashion designer to a boutique owner, and cancer has taught me to look back and reassess what form of occupation actually satisfied my soul. The kind that brings out the passion in you so much so that working is pleasurable and not considered working at all. To quote Confucius, "choose a job you love and you will never have to work a day in your life." Making money while you do so is a bonus.

I found that my love for fashion exceeded everything else. I love beautiful bags, shoes, accessories and other stuff that a fashionable woman would want in her life. To some this is so superficial, but that's me. In fact, having cancer and being confined to your home can make so many people depress. But I turned to fashion and beautiful things to fill my days with sunshine. I spent my days reading about anything to do with fashion, mainly bags and shoes. And voila, I started a little business in trading with pre-loved and new bags. This has kept me going, and filled my mind and thoughts with fashion instead of worrying about cancer and my treatments. I have a few friends who share the same interest with me and we spend many hours discussing about bags, lol.

I love the hashtag #shallowlikethat when referring to this obsession about bags and shoes.

I'm looking forward to finish my treatments and get ready to conquer the world -- big shopping cities and to be the personal shopper for people who can't travel overseas and buy things for themselves.
It's my ultimate dream job!

To end the first part of this post, I would like to add something that I never quite knew about myself that is ............... I am strong. I've heard people tell me that but seriously aren't we all strong when faced with a matter of life and death, and when you don't have a choice in that matter but to fight with all your might. I saw that fighting spirit in my mom when she was battling cancer, and apparently I have that in me too. I bloody hell feel strong, and I'm battling cancer in my own way! Watch out cancer you messed with the wrong person!

When someone or something makes you unhappy, what can you do?

 

Last Friday evening, I found myself losing my cool over something that someone said and I hated feeling so angry inside. I knew I had to take control of my feelings and how I was reacting to the situation that I was in.

I stumbled upon this advice, at the perfect timing, something by Eckhart Tolle. I realized that I was indeed bitching about things and I felt like I was treated unfairly, like a victim. 

So what I did was to change my reaction to the situation. I just accepted that some people no matter what, was never going to change and that whatever they did to you was not about you but them. 

To get myself to cool down, I just accepted that person as he is. A selfish guy who didn't care about me and my situation. He was selfish with me. 

But he wasn't selfish towards his new wife and kids. So I guess, he is not selfish in general but only selfish to me. And the moment I accepted it, and removed myself from being the victim, and I felt so much better like a burden had offloaded from my chest. 

I was happy, the ones I love seeing I was feeling better within, felt more relaxed too and all was well once again.

I feel that the old me, before breast cancer, would have fought back. The new me, have taken control of things, changed my perception of so many stuff, learnt to let go coz you know what? These little things are unimportant. My inner peace and joy are my priority now. 

Cancer friends

When you have cancer, you kinda relate to those who have cancer, or have been there before. You become instant friends due to the inherent understanding you have of each others' condition, emotions and most importantly, fear.

You see that same look in their eyes, the ones that stare back at you each time you look in your own mirror. Eyes that tell a story. Mostly from fear. Fear if our bodies can undergo chemo, fear if the cancer will ever return and fear at our own helplessness when dealing with something that has a mind of its own.

Every time I go for my chemo I meet new ladies; all waiting to see the same oncologist. Since we sometimes have to wait for a long time, we do chat with one another, and the topics always revolve around each others' diagnosis, cause for the cancer, treatments, medical charges and what each of us are doing to fight cancer.

I met this particular cancer patient yesterday; this is the second time I'm meeting her. She is in her sixties, and from Indonesia (she is seeking treatment in Kuala Lumpur), and had her final maintenance treatment for Herceptin yesterday. She asked me a lot of questions about diet and nutrition for cancer. 

if you love fruits, go for these

She had many friends and family members that advised her to eat certain kinds of food. And she asked me if I was on any diet. I had my fair share of unsolicited advice from people who meant well, but seriously, the only advice I'm listening to are the ones from my doctors, cancer survivors and researches that are scientically proven.

I know diet and nutrition play an important role in healing from cancer, but I also know there are other factors that contribute to cancer. Recently I even read an article that say it's just plain bad luck that we get cancer. Yeah, and I do believe so, because you can have no history of family cancer, be an exercise freak, eat healthy food diligently, dont smoke or consume alcohol, and still have cancer!

I felt so sorry for this cancer friend and asked her if she was happy with her food and lifestyle. She said no. She was so fed up with boiled vegetables, no meat, no egg, no milk kinda diet; the list just seemed endless and ridiculous to me.

when I feel like it I
 eat my favourite scallop dish 

She asked me for my advice, and I told her, if it wasn't making her happy then what was the use of having to live if we were sad and not enjoying ourselves. Cancer changes you in so many ways, but one thing for sure is that it teaches you to seize the day, and be happy. And you can't do that if you keep worrying if you should be eating a mouthful of ice-cream and if you did, would that make your cancer return!

 Everything in moderation is my motto for now.

And when it was her turn to see the doctor, I wished her well, and hope to be bumping into her during her follow-up visits. I just hope she relaxes and enjoys her life.

She mentioned that each visit was costing her RM11,000 and that cancer was a lifelong battle. The worry never ends even when you have no evidence of disease or N.E.D. Arghhhh I never quite thought of it that way.