I want it so badly, I just gotta have it!

Have you ever wanted something so badly you would beg, borrow or steal for it?

 I saw fashionistas around the globe carry it; in all the different gorgeous colours. It looked so good teamed up with their outfits of the day (OOTD). It was sold out, everywhere. The website would sell out all the bags within the day it was available online.

I was on the waiting list, but they only informed you a few days in advance when the bag is gonna be in stock. And each time it was I would log on, and those bags would all be gone in a jiffy. I was frustrated and all the more I wanted this iconic crazy bucket bag that was not within my grasp.

Sounds familiar to you?

So I put word out that I was looking for this bag. And one day, a personal shopper who has friends in Italy managed to get this bucket bag for me. Bucket bags were all the rage, in fact they are still very much in demand.

I waited so many months for this bag and was so excited to finally own it. I love bags, well-made ones with good leather. Workmanship, design and aesthetics were important to me. Sometimes I liked stuff nobody did but who cares as long as I loved them.

So the seller was over an hour late due to an accident on the highway. That tested my patience as I was early for the meeting but I was still cool as I was finally gonna meet this gorgeous baby. It came in a big box and I had to literally carry it like a baby to my car.

Once home I opened the box, and took in the smell of the leather, felt it, looked at the design and the amount of work that went into making this much sought-after bag. It's amazing that all this time I've heard praises of how great this bag is, but somehow this bag was a let down for me. My heart didn't skip a beat when I saw it in person. I have high expectations, probably.

It doesn't compare to my Celine, Chanel, or Givenchy, not even close to LV, but at that price point of course it's on a different category all together. But still, it wasn't cheap.

This reminds me so much of an incident that happened when I was 18 years old. In those days there was only the landline telephone at home. I had spent weeks talking for hours on the phone to a guy. Then one day he asked me out on a date.

I agreed to go, though, believe it or not I was a shy girl back then who never went out dating. So it was like one of my first few dates ever with a guy. My mom even encouraged me to go out and meet this boy. I was homely and studious, and did crochet all day. I even baked cookies and cakes then.

To cut a long story short, when I did see this guy from afar, he was not good looking, and not what I always imagined him to look like (his fabulous voice didn't match his face, dammit!), so I ran away from the place before he had the chance to spot me in the crowd.

I didn't even wait for the bus, instead jumped into a taxi and came home. Till today I remember his name -- Fabian.  I was ashamed of myself, and I can't believe I did that.

My mom scolded me but my siblings thought it was hilarious yet also mean of me. Back in those days I chose looks over substance, (not that I'm good looking or anything) and that was my weakness. My heart literally sunk when I met this guy, the same way it sunk when I met this handbag.

Although I didn't really fancy this bag, I carried it, just to see if the leather would soften and if I could eventually fall in love with it. You know, akin to a girl meeting a boy she isn't lusting after -- but as the days go by she falls in love with the boy.

But nah, that didn't happen with this bag. So I've put word out on my IG that I'm selling my bucket bag. We're just not meant for each other. 

Anyone wants?

What cancer has taught me (Part 2)

I've always been impatient be it waiting in line at the post-office or waiting to see a doctor. However after being in and out of hospital over the span of more than six months, I have learnt to be patient. Because no matter who you are, when you are undergoing chemo, you have to go through so many procedures prior to getting the go ahead from your oncologist to do your treatment on chemo day.

You will deal with so many people from the nurse taking your blood sample to the receptionist handling your insurance details, and you need patience to get you through it all. Each treatment day can drag on to up to 6 hours from the moment you step into the chemo ward till the time you walk out of the hospital.

I usually prefer to go alone as I don't relish the idea of another person waiting that long with me. Of course, my sweet hubby insists on accompanying me whenever he is in town.

I also realized that I'm more patient when I'm stuck in a traffic jam or if another driver is annoying the hell out of me. I simply ignore it all, and turn up the music in the car and move like a crazy driver. Music can certainly change your mood for the better.

Cancer has certainly thought me to forget my vanity. There is no room for that.

My skin changed, albeit temporary, to a dullish grey tone from all the medication that I'm taking. I've gone bald. My nails have discoloured. My boobs that I was quite proud of as I could go braless anytime, have changed due to my lumpectomy. In spite of these physical changes, I have just accepted them and done all I can to make myself feel and look nice.

I bought wigs, scarves, hats and caps, wore makeup and simply dressed-up to face each day. It wasn't easy at first but going through what I have, these are so small issues to deal with.

I was so afraid that my hubby would not find me attactive and desirable anymore. But I was wrong, he stood by me through it all, in fact he teased me about my baldness and sent me picture messages of E.T and Gollum and said I looked like them. Laughter and humour kept things going between us.
Also the nature of his job was a blessing as he didn't get to see me when I was in the doldrums.

There were days that I felt and asked myself 'why me' -- when I'm the kind of person who is drawn to physical beauty. Why had I to get cancer? And now more than before I know that people are more than that.

You can be loved for what's inside of you coz beauty fades over time but kindness, generosity, empathy, honesty, integrity, warmth and sincerity are what matter in a person. Every one is beautiful in their own way but true beauty emanates from within. When you are beautiful inside you shine on the outside.

http://youtu.be/eAfyFTzZDMM

What cancer has taught me (Part 1)

I've read somewhere that God doesn't put you in situations which he thinks you can't handle. So my guess is he thinks I can handle cancer and whatever effects it has on me and the people I care about.
You see when you have cancer it is not just you dealing with it. It affects your spouse, kids, parents and siblings and your close friends.........even your Instagram and facebook friends.

Some of these people stay by your side, and some just get lost. Cancer has taught me who my real friends are. Also how people cope when you are ill. Some things they do disappoint you, some makes you cry and some just don't matter.

You learn along your journey that no matter what, you have your family to care for you. Family is important; so do your best to make time for them and their needs too. I guess I learnt to not just think that the world revolves around me, and to listen to other people's issues and how I could offer my two cents worth.

These past few months I have learnt to trust my instincts and to block off things that were stressing me. I truly believe that what you don't know doesn't hurt you. So I have stopped wasting my time finding fault or should I say looking for fault. Being ill just opens up your eyes that so many of these issues are not important anymore.

I learnt to shut one eye, and in doing that to find peace and joy that I have seldom experienced in the past. I always felt I was at sea on a stormy day and I had to do all I could to battle the weather just to stay alive. I was always alone. Now all I visualize is blue skies, calm azure crystal clear water and me floating at sea without any worry or fear. Just bliss.

I've been in so many different careers in my lifetime from being a PR consultant, writer for a magazine, copywriter in an ad agency, aromatherapist, maternity fashion designer to a boutique owner, and cancer has taught me to look back and reassess what form of occupation actually satisfied my soul. The kind that brings out the passion in you so much so that working is pleasurable and not considered working at all. To quote Confucius, "choose a job you love and you will never have to work a day in your life." Making money while you do so is a bonus.

I found that my love for fashion exceeded everything else. I love beautiful bags, shoes, accessories and other stuff that a fashionable woman would want in her life. To some this is so superficial, but that's me. In fact, having cancer and being confined to your home can make so many people depress. But I turned to fashion and beautiful things to fill my days with sunshine. I spent my days reading about anything to do with fashion, mainly bags and shoes. And voila, I started a little business in trading with pre-loved and new bags. This has kept me going, and filled my mind and thoughts with fashion instead of worrying about cancer and my treatments. I have a few friends who share the same interest with me and we spend many hours discussing about bags, lol.

I love the hashtag #shallowlikethat when referring to this obsession about bags and shoes.

I'm looking forward to finish my treatments and get ready to conquer the world -- big shopping cities and to be the personal shopper for people who can't travel overseas and buy things for themselves.
It's my ultimate dream job!

To end the first part of this post, I would like to add something that I never quite knew about myself that is ............... I am strong. I've heard people tell me that but seriously aren't we all strong when faced with a matter of life and death, and when you don't have a choice in that matter but to fight with all your might. I saw that fighting spirit in my mom when she was battling cancer, and apparently I have that in me too. I bloody hell feel strong, and I'm battling cancer in my own way! Watch out cancer you messed with the wrong person!

Are you a priority or just an option?

 
It has been bugging me for a while now. You have some people in your life that you drop everything for to attend to their needs. For me it's my daughter, my hubby, members of my immediate family and close friends.

Sometimes I even give more priority to a few in my priority list itself. So it kinda hurt me to find out that sometimes these people do not reciprocrate and make you a priority in their lives too.

Sadly, I found this out recently. I would think that since the other party, the attention was focused on, was in the pink of health, therefore my needs would come first. After all I am undergoing chemo and I do feel like an emotional roller-coaster at most times, and I thought this person that I give my attention to all the time, would at least be there for me if not physically, then emotionally.

I was let down. I lost to rounds of booze and merriment among siblings and friends. That hurt a lot.

But in any situation there is a lesson to be learnt.
1. I shouldn't place too much hope on another human being. They are imperfect and sometimes act like an asshole because they lack empathy, and so many of the genes that make a person caring, honest, generous, kind and loving.
2.  Nobody is perfect, not even me, so I should stop judging.
3. Maybe it's time to focus my attention on people that I  never made a priority. Who knows, but my options could be better than my priority.
4. I gotta be selfish at times and make myself a priority.
5. I should stop giving these horrible people my space of thought, drop them from my priority list if they continue to disappoint me.

Enough said, enough ranting from someone who really needs to chill.

"Are you keeping some anger inside you?"

There is no doctor out there or any studies that can actually tell you why you have cancer. There are many possible reasons but no difinite ones.

I know mine has a lot to do with stress and keeping lots of surpressed emotions within. Though I tell myself that I can't change someone or a situation, and therefore should let things that are not within my control to just unfold by itself, I don't seem to be able to let go.

How does one let go? It's not that I'm a person who loves to be in charge or take control. As far as I know I've always been a follower, seldom a leader.

Just a couple of weeks ago, while waiting to see my ocologist, I met an elderly lady and her husband. We were both reading some article on the pin-up board at the chemotherapy clinic and somehow started a conversation. Her husband had cancer and had just completed his chemo treatments. He was there for a follow-up check-up.

While discussing about possible causes of cancer, she suddenly asked me if I was keeping some anger or grudge against a male or a female? According to her, depending on which side of the breast I had cancer, it could refer to a woman or a man.

I thought that was interesting, as I've read before that cancer sometimes manifests itself  when someone has much emotional baggage surpressed and stored within them.

Most illnesses are due partly coz of emotions, negative emotions, that find its way, bit by bit gnawing away inside a physical body. And one fine day, ta dah, you have cancer. Your whole world crumbles. You do all you can to be able to live.

But not before you ask God why? Why me? It's not that I don't have loads on my plate, why give me a buffet to deal with?

Amidst all the crazy emotions that run the gamut from denial, anger, fear to determination, I took a good look at my life. Having cancer made me do a stock-take of my life.

What kind of life had I led? What kind of person was I? Was I a good daughter, wife, mother, sister, friend?

What was my passion in life? I read somewhere, (yes, I've been reading a lot since my cancer diagnosis), that a person should have a passion in life and a goal so that gives her hope and courage to fight the cancer battle and win coz of the great desire to achieve this goal and live her passion.
It's the burning fuel that cures cancer coz of the desire to want to live.

I don't know of anyone who wants to die. Even people who commit suicide ... do they really wanna die if they had a choice?

We also never really give up on our dreams though we may put it on a side-burner, putting everyone's needs above ours, thinking we still have time.

But when you have cancer, time is not something you are sure of. You wanna live for now, do all the 1000 things on your bucket list in one month, if that is even possible, coz suddenly you realize time may be running out. (I love this song by Muse) You start thinking of yourself.

Ok that sounds a bit morbid, but as I try to be very positive and wanna be a survivor, and one day look back at this period of my life as a dark period but also a period where I learnt to value my life and the people around me, not to take things for granted and to simply be a better person, I do know that I play a small role in this. It is up to God.

One crazy year has gone by

More than a year has passed by since I last wrote my true thoughts.

I left everything within me, carrying a huge baggage. And it's time to de-clutter and get rid of the excess.

Reading back my blog posts, I seemed to have changed too. Life has a way at catching you off-guard when you are having so much fun, and throwing you in the deep. Swim or drown, you decide.

But most importantly, you have survived.

My journey was unpleasant and challenging, but I've learnt so much about myself and other people. It's when you are in trouble that you know who your true friends are, and I must say it that you need your family.

You must appreciate your family, and your true friends, and let them know that too. Because let me tell you, when you are down, they are the ones always there for you. It can be time consuming and draining to be with someone who is going through a trauma in life. So, I'm grateful to my family and close friends.

I'm dealing with what has happened, a day at a time.

Most people deal with one trauma at a time. But me being me, when it rained, not only did it pour, it freaking flooded.

If I can go though such life-wrenching drama, anyone else can. Because guess what? We are so much stronger than we give ourselves credit for.

Love and peace xxx