I want it so badly, I just gotta have it!

Have you ever wanted something so badly you would beg, borrow or steal for it?

 I saw fashionistas around the globe carry it; in all the different gorgeous colours. It looked so good teamed up with their outfits of the day (OOTD). It was sold out, everywhere. The website would sell out all the bags within the day it was available online.

I was on the waiting list, but they only informed you a few days in advance when the bag is gonna be in stock. And each time it was I would log on, and those bags would all be gone in a jiffy. I was frustrated and all the more I wanted this iconic crazy bucket bag that was not within my grasp.

Sounds familiar to you?

So I put word out that I was looking for this bag. And one day, a personal shopper who has friends in Italy managed to get this bucket bag for me. Bucket bags were all the rage, in fact they are still very much in demand.

I waited so many months for this bag and was so excited to finally own it. I love bags, well-made ones with good leather. Workmanship, design and aesthetics were important to me. Sometimes I liked stuff nobody did but who cares as long as I loved them.

So the seller was over an hour late due to an accident on the highway. That tested my patience as I was early for the meeting but I was still cool as I was finally gonna meet this gorgeous baby. It came in a big box and I had to literally carry it like a baby to my car.

Once home I opened the box, and took in the smell of the leather, felt it, looked at the design and the amount of work that went into making this much sought-after bag. It's amazing that all this time I've heard praises of how great this bag is, but somehow this bag was a let down for me. My heart didn't skip a beat when I saw it in person. I have high expectations, probably.

It doesn't compare to my Celine, Chanel, or Givenchy, not even close to LV, but at that price point of course it's on a different category all together. But still, it wasn't cheap.

This reminds me so much of an incident that happened when I was 18 years old. In those days there was only the landline telephone at home. I had spent weeks talking for hours on the phone to a guy. Then one day he asked me out on a date.

I agreed to go, though, believe it or not I was a shy girl back then who never went out dating. So it was like one of my first few dates ever with a guy. My mom even encouraged me to go out and meet this boy. I was homely and studious, and did crochet all day. I even baked cookies and cakes then.

To cut a long story short, when I did see this guy from afar, he was not good looking, and not what I always imagined him to look like (his fabulous voice didn't match his face, dammit!), so I ran away from the place before he had the chance to spot me in the crowd.

I didn't even wait for the bus, instead jumped into a taxi and came home. Till today I remember his name -- Fabian.  I was ashamed of myself, and I can't believe I did that.

My mom scolded me but my siblings thought it was hilarious yet also mean of me. Back in those days I chose looks over substance, (not that I'm good looking or anything) and that was my weakness. My heart literally sunk when I met this guy, the same way it sunk when I met this handbag.

Although I didn't really fancy this bag, I carried it, just to see if the leather would soften and if I could eventually fall in love with it. You know, akin to a girl meeting a boy she isn't lusting after -- but as the days go by she falls in love with the boy.

But nah, that didn't happen with this bag. So I've put word out on my IG that I'm selling my bucket bag. We're just not meant for each other. 

Anyone wants?

Are you a priority or just an option?

 
It has been bugging me for a while now. You have some people in your life that you drop everything for to attend to their needs. For me it's my daughter, my hubby, members of my immediate family and close friends.

Sometimes I even give more priority to a few in my priority list itself. So it kinda hurt me to find out that sometimes these people do not reciprocrate and make you a priority in their lives too.

Sadly, I found this out recently. I would think that since the other party, the attention was focused on, was in the pink of health, therefore my needs would come first. After all I am undergoing chemo and I do feel like an emotional roller-coaster at most times, and I thought this person that I give my attention to all the time, would at least be there for me if not physically, then emotionally.

I was let down. I lost to rounds of booze and merriment among siblings and friends. That hurt a lot.

But in any situation there is a lesson to be learnt.
1. I shouldn't place too much hope on another human being. They are imperfect and sometimes act like an asshole because they lack empathy, and so many of the genes that make a person caring, honest, generous, kind and loving.
2.  Nobody is perfect, not even me, so I should stop judging.
3. Maybe it's time to focus my attention on people that I  never made a priority. Who knows, but my options could be better than my priority.
4. I gotta be selfish at times and make myself a priority.
5. I should stop giving these horrible people my space of thought, drop them from my priority list if they continue to disappoint me.

Enough said, enough ranting from someone who really needs to chill.

Reality Check

Enjoying the last few good days left before I start on chemo number 5 on Tuesday, 28 Oct. It is the first one of 12 cycles (times) on the second phase of my chemo treatments.

Hope it goes well with my body with minimal side effects. Since I need to do it weekly for 3 bloody months, I need all the strength -- mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally. Would appreciate no drama during this time. I seem to be absorbing lots of negativity from the actions of other people. And seriously I could do with none of it. 

I'm the sort of person that loves to delve into things, probe into details, and in the end it affects me so badly. Sometimes people do not know that their actions affect me so much. I'm trying to not allow anything to affect me but it is a work in progress.

I have been praying on and off. I do believe that prayers from all my family members and friends are helping me tremendously. I thank everyone of you. I believe the prayers are helping me as I'm coping well with the side effects of chemo. 

Bald, blackish nail beds, dry skin and weird taste buds are nothing compared to what others are going through. I'm ever so grateful chemo has been kind to me so far.

Of course, some days I feel low as I hate to rely on others to help me. I hate feeling tired. I hate being a party pooper. I'm having cancer and I don't expect my hubs, Megan or my family to just focus on me, they have their lives.

Most battles you fight, you fight on your own anyway. Just as, if you die, people think about you less and less as the days go by.

Life just continues.

Thinking of death finally. It's time for me to research on the stats of how great are my chances of remission, etc for the kind of bitch of a cancer that I have. I can't put it off any longer.

It is only when faced with death that one comes alive.

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