R.I.P pink sister Lei.

Everytime I receive news that a pink sister has passed on, I feel sad, crappy and scared. Just a few hours ago I received news that one of these cancer warriors had passed on from breast cancer. 

Floralei and I became friends thru Instagram; I really don't know how but we seemed to be in a support network of women who was undergoing breast cancer or who had breast cancer. 

It's strange how Instagram can unite breast cancer survivors and warriors from all around the world. 

When I was going through chemo in 2014 and 2015, I wrote to Lei as she too was going thru treatments. She was living in USA.

 

She told me her cancer which was treated in 2012 had metastasized to her bones, liver and brain, and that she needed to go for chemo for the rest of her life.

Even at that time, going through what must be a very trying and scary time in her life, she wrote to me and encouraged me to live life fully and to have fun. She told me she hoped to get better soon so she could travel and enjoy life. 

I'm glad that she had a great family; wonderful children and husband who meant the world to her and that she left this physical world peacefully. 

Travel freely wherever you are Lei.  ❤️❤️❤️

Post-chemo thoughts

I haven't been posting anything for a bit now.  It's not that I haven't had anything to say but I was simply too busy to really have the time to sit down and pen my thoughts. Plus I've been lazy. I have much to say when I'm down in the doldrums or deliriously happy instead of in a plain normal mode.

I've been travelling a lot these past 2 months -- to Europe and the States but that deserves another post with pictures, of course. * Hint, I visited Niagara Falls coz it was on my bucket list.

Post-chemo time is great in so many ways. You suddenly feel free to jump back into the pace of  your daily life, instead of feeling and looking sick, then counting the days before you feel better and ready for your next chemo.  Well, I still have to continue my Herceptin treatments every 3 weeks but there is no side effects from it. So basically apart from getting healthy again, I have nothing much to stress over. Just eat healthy, exercise and do nothing that annoys me. 

If only it was that simple. 

I'm lucky that I can take my time to get back to the daily routine of life. You can never jump back in to daily routine, more of easing your way in. And things do seem the same, yet different. Every morning instead of drinking coffee first I now make my own vegetable juice and have it instead.

When it comes to work, well, I'm working freelance and that means I get to choose which projects I want to work on. I also have my handbag business to concentrate on but it's nothing too major that will stress me out. That's good as we all  know that stress is not good for cancer.

I'm so happy that I have the freedom to do as I please as I'm still having a delayed reaction to having cancer. It's been nearly a year that I had been admitted to the hospital and had undergone the whole range of treatments. My mind can't seem to focus on anything else. All I think is how do I build my immune system, what type of exercises should I do, what kind of juice and diet do I need and if I could ever afford organice vegetables and fruits to help me lead a healhty life?

My biggest fear is wondering if all the treatments that I have endured had successfully killed all my active cancer cells? Am I in remission? I will only know this when I do my check-up in early July, a month from now. 

There will always be this fear in me because like I've said before, I can do my part to fight the cancer but the rest is out of my hands. I have the best medical treatments, fab doctors and great support system (except for a few bad apples), and yet I really can't be sure that I will be around for the next 5 or 10 years to see my daughter graduate? And that's a gloomy outlook even for someone who has until now had a positive attitude in dealing with my cancer.

It will always be on my mind, once you have cancer it stays with you just like herpes. Only thing is that herpes doesn't kill you. I have had nights where I have woken up panicking thinking that the cancer is back and I'm gonna die. I even have to tell myself that death aint that bad, so calm down and breathe. I just hate to live in fear. The unknown. 

My friends tell me that they admire my strength in undergoing what I have but some days I feel weak. I'm so tired. Tired of the battle. Tired of being strong. Tired of the whole cancer stuff.   

Travelling helps me forget what I'm going through and to just enjoy new places and new experiences, but it is always at the back of my mind.

No matter how postive I am on my good days, thoughts of cancer returning never really leave my mind. Today, I wish I never had cancer! It has scarred me -- mentally, physically, emotionally.

Damn you cancer

I've been having a rough time these few days. Firstly, I came back from my first proper vacation which coincided with my birthday, so I'm blaming part of it on post-holiday blues. The other part would be that my whole body is aching, God knows if it's from the cold weather in London and Brussels, or from all the chemo drugs, and now radiotherapy.

I had so many story ideas, and I had wanted to update my blog but I've just been having foggy brains, and couple that with fatigue, I just lay in bed mostly, doing nothing. I forget stuff that I want to buy. I forget dates, days, names. It can be so frustrating at times, so I've just have had to write everything down in my Moleskine. Gosh it sucks being stupid and blur, and many seconds too slow. I used to frown upon people like these, and voila, I'm one now. Karma is a bitch.

I just started radiotherapy. I've had 4 sessions out of the 20 I need. Going to hospital daily for 5 minutes of radio is a pain in the neck. I drive myself to hospital, valet for RM12, and out of there in less than half an hour. It takes longer to get ready than to actually do the treatment.

I am starting to sound and feel pretty anxious. Am I on the road to a meltdown? I've been doing so well all this time. Well, it's no fun going to the hospital and seeing sick people daily. Most have visible burn marks from the radiation; two of whom I saw was on their necks. I think that shook me up quite a bit.

So far I have not had any burnt marks. Too early, says my oncologist. Probably in 2 weeks' time, depending on my skin -- I might feel some discomfort. So for now I just need to avoid soap around the affected area when I shower; no perfume or deodorant too.

I also need to exercise the affected arm as they reckon I would feel sore and feel some tightness, which I have already experienced.

I saw my oncologist today as I had my second chemo maintenance treatment of Herceptin. That took 2 hours from beginning to end. So all in I was in the hospital for 5 hours today. To do Herceptin followed by radio is really a double whammy. I feel irritated, due to the bone ache, and also interrupted sleep I've experienced for the past few nights.

I wake up in the middle of the night with hot flashes. I'm perspiring and my body feels like it's engulfed in flames. Not a nice feeling considering I haven't even started Tamoxifen, the hormone pill I need to take for the next 5 to 10 years. It is getting a lot more depressing with all the side effects that are slowly popping up. 

My doctor prescribed some anti-inflammatory pills and also sleeping pills. I'm gonna pop some and hit the sack now.

Good nite folks. I can feel my brain shutting down. Knackered. May tomorrow be a better day for me and all those battling cancer and know what I'm going through. For those of you who are healthy, be thankful and go enjoy yourselves to the max! Don't worry about silly stuff like a bad hair day or fat thighs, all these are so trivial when you have your health.

P.S  I managed to throw in an hour or so poring over beautiful handbags and shoes online. I think I hit me a nice handbag. That saved my day.

What cancer has taught me (Part 2)

I've always been impatient be it waiting in line at the post-office or waiting to see a doctor. However after being in and out of hospital over the span of more than six months, I have learnt to be patient. Because no matter who you are, when you are undergoing chemo, you have to go through so many procedures prior to getting the go ahead from your oncologist to do your treatment on chemo day.

You will deal with so many people from the nurse taking your blood sample to the receptionist handling your insurance details, and you need patience to get you through it all. Each treatment day can drag on to up to 6 hours from the moment you step into the chemo ward till the time you walk out of the hospital.

I usually prefer to go alone as I don't relish the idea of another person waiting that long with me. Of course, my sweet hubby insists on accompanying me whenever he is in town.

I also realized that I'm more patient when I'm stuck in a traffic jam or if another driver is annoying the hell out of me. I simply ignore it all, and turn up the music in the car and move like a crazy driver. Music can certainly change your mood for the better.

Cancer has certainly thought me to forget my vanity. There is no room for that.

My skin changed, albeit temporary, to a dullish grey tone from all the medication that I'm taking. I've gone bald. My nails have discoloured. My boobs that I was quite proud of as I could go braless anytime, have changed due to my lumpectomy. In spite of these physical changes, I have just accepted them and done all I can to make myself feel and look nice.

I bought wigs, scarves, hats and caps, wore makeup and simply dressed-up to face each day. It wasn't easy at first but going through what I have, these are so small issues to deal with.

I was so afraid that my hubby would not find me attactive and desirable anymore. But I was wrong, he stood by me through it all, in fact he teased me about my baldness and sent me picture messages of E.T and Gollum and said I looked like them. Laughter and humour kept things going between us.
Also the nature of his job was a blessing as he didn't get to see me when I was in the doldrums.

There were days that I felt and asked myself 'why me' -- when I'm the kind of person who is drawn to physical beauty. Why had I to get cancer? And now more than before I know that people are more than that.

You can be loved for what's inside of you coz beauty fades over time but kindness, generosity, empathy, honesty, integrity, warmth and sincerity are what matter in a person. Every one is beautiful in their own way but true beauty emanates from within. When you are beautiful inside you shine on the outside.

http://youtu.be/eAfyFTzZDMM

What cancer has taught me (Part 1)

I've read somewhere that God doesn't put you in situations which he thinks you can't handle. So my guess is he thinks I can handle cancer and whatever effects it has on me and the people I care about.
You see when you have cancer it is not just you dealing with it. It affects your spouse, kids, parents and siblings and your close friends.........even your Instagram and facebook friends.

Some of these people stay by your side, and some just get lost. Cancer has taught me who my real friends are. Also how people cope when you are ill. Some things they do disappoint you, some makes you cry and some just don't matter.

You learn along your journey that no matter what, you have your family to care for you. Family is important; so do your best to make time for them and their needs too. I guess I learnt to not just think that the world revolves around me, and to listen to other people's issues and how I could offer my two cents worth.

These past few months I have learnt to trust my instincts and to block off things that were stressing me. I truly believe that what you don't know doesn't hurt you. So I have stopped wasting my time finding fault or should I say looking for fault. Being ill just opens up your eyes that so many of these issues are not important anymore.

I learnt to shut one eye, and in doing that to find peace and joy that I have seldom experienced in the past. I always felt I was at sea on a stormy day and I had to do all I could to battle the weather just to stay alive. I was always alone. Now all I visualize is blue skies, calm azure crystal clear water and me floating at sea without any worry or fear. Just bliss.

I've been in so many different careers in my lifetime from being a PR consultant, writer for a magazine, copywriter in an ad agency, aromatherapist, maternity fashion designer to a boutique owner, and cancer has taught me to look back and reassess what form of occupation actually satisfied my soul. The kind that brings out the passion in you so much so that working is pleasurable and not considered working at all. To quote Confucius, "choose a job you love and you will never have to work a day in your life." Making money while you do so is a bonus.

I found that my love for fashion exceeded everything else. I love beautiful bags, shoes, accessories and other stuff that a fashionable woman would want in her life. To some this is so superficial, but that's me. In fact, having cancer and being confined to your home can make so many people depress. But I turned to fashion and beautiful things to fill my days with sunshine. I spent my days reading about anything to do with fashion, mainly bags and shoes. And voila, I started a little business in trading with pre-loved and new bags. This has kept me going, and filled my mind and thoughts with fashion instead of worrying about cancer and my treatments. I have a few friends who share the same interest with me and we spend many hours discussing about bags, lol.

I love the hashtag #shallowlikethat when referring to this obsession about bags and shoes.

I'm looking forward to finish my treatments and get ready to conquer the world -- big shopping cities and to be the personal shopper for people who can't travel overseas and buy things for themselves.
It's my ultimate dream job!

To end the first part of this post, I would like to add something that I never quite knew about myself that is ............... I am strong. I've heard people tell me that but seriously aren't we all strong when faced with a matter of life and death, and when you don't have a choice in that matter but to fight with all your might. I saw that fighting spirit in my mom when she was battling cancer, and apparently I have that in me too. I bloody hell feel strong, and I'm battling cancer in my own way! Watch out cancer you messed with the wrong person!

Cancer friends

When you have cancer, you kinda relate to those who have cancer, or have been there before. You become instant friends due to the inherent understanding you have of each others' condition, emotions and most importantly, fear.

You see that same look in their eyes, the ones that stare back at you each time you look in your own mirror. Eyes that tell a story. Mostly from fear. Fear if our bodies can undergo chemo, fear if the cancer will ever return and fear at our own helplessness when dealing with something that has a mind of its own.

Every time I go for my chemo I meet new ladies; all waiting to see the same oncologist. Since we sometimes have to wait for a long time, we do chat with one another, and the topics always revolve around each others' diagnosis, cause for the cancer, treatments, medical charges and what each of us are doing to fight cancer.

I met this particular cancer patient yesterday; this is the second time I'm meeting her. She is in her sixties, and from Indonesia (she is seeking treatment in Kuala Lumpur), and had her final maintenance treatment for Herceptin yesterday. She asked me a lot of questions about diet and nutrition for cancer. 

if you love fruits, go for these

She had many friends and family members that advised her to eat certain kinds of food. And she asked me if I was on any diet. I had my fair share of unsolicited advice from people who meant well, but seriously, the only advice I'm listening to are the ones from my doctors, cancer survivors and researches that are scientically proven.

I know diet and nutrition play an important role in healing from cancer, but I also know there are other factors that contribute to cancer. Recently I even read an article that say it's just plain bad luck that we get cancer. Yeah, and I do believe so, because you can have no history of family cancer, be an exercise freak, eat healthy food diligently, dont smoke or consume alcohol, and still have cancer!

I felt so sorry for this cancer friend and asked her if she was happy with her food and lifestyle. She said no. She was so fed up with boiled vegetables, no meat, no egg, no milk kinda diet; the list just seemed endless and ridiculous to me.

when I feel like it I
 eat my favourite scallop dish 

She asked me for my advice, and I told her, if it wasn't making her happy then what was the use of having to live if we were sad and not enjoying ourselves. Cancer changes you in so many ways, but one thing for sure is that it teaches you to seize the day, and be happy. And you can't do that if you keep worrying if you should be eating a mouthful of ice-cream and if you did, would that make your cancer return!

 Everything in moderation is my motto for now.

And when it was her turn to see the doctor, I wished her well, and hope to be bumping into her during her follow-up visits. I just hope she relaxes and enjoys her life.

She mentioned that each visit was costing her RM11,000 and that cancer was a lifelong battle. The worry never ends even when you have no evidence of disease or N.E.D. Arghhhh I never quite thought of it that way.

   

Are you a priority or just an option?

 
It has been bugging me for a while now. You have some people in your life that you drop everything for to attend to their needs. For me it's my daughter, my hubby, members of my immediate family and close friends.

Sometimes I even give more priority to a few in my priority list itself. So it kinda hurt me to find out that sometimes these people do not reciprocrate and make you a priority in their lives too.

Sadly, I found this out recently. I would think that since the other party, the attention was focused on, was in the pink of health, therefore my needs would come first. After all I am undergoing chemo and I do feel like an emotional roller-coaster at most times, and I thought this person that I give my attention to all the time, would at least be there for me if not physically, then emotionally.

I was let down. I lost to rounds of booze and merriment among siblings and friends. That hurt a lot.

But in any situation there is a lesson to be learnt.
1. I shouldn't place too much hope on another human being. They are imperfect and sometimes act like an asshole because they lack empathy, and so many of the genes that make a person caring, honest, generous, kind and loving.
2.  Nobody is perfect, not even me, so I should stop judging.
3. Maybe it's time to focus my attention on people that I  never made a priority. Who knows, but my options could be better than my priority.
4. I gotta be selfish at times and make myself a priority.
5. I should stop giving these horrible people my space of thought, drop them from my priority list if they continue to disappoint me.

Enough said, enough ranting from someone who really needs to chill.

"Are you keeping some anger inside you?"

There is no doctor out there or any studies that can actually tell you why you have cancer. There are many possible reasons but no difinite ones.

I know mine has a lot to do with stress and keeping lots of surpressed emotions within. Though I tell myself that I can't change someone or a situation, and therefore should let things that are not within my control to just unfold by itself, I don't seem to be able to let go.

How does one let go? It's not that I'm a person who loves to be in charge or take control. As far as I know I've always been a follower, seldom a leader.

Just a couple of weeks ago, while waiting to see my ocologist, I met an elderly lady and her husband. We were both reading some article on the pin-up board at the chemotherapy clinic and somehow started a conversation. Her husband had cancer and had just completed his chemo treatments. He was there for a follow-up check-up.

While discussing about possible causes of cancer, she suddenly asked me if I was keeping some anger or grudge against a male or a female? According to her, depending on which side of the breast I had cancer, it could refer to a woman or a man.

I thought that was interesting, as I've read before that cancer sometimes manifests itself  when someone has much emotional baggage surpressed and stored within them.

Most illnesses are due partly coz of emotions, negative emotions, that find its way, bit by bit gnawing away inside a physical body. And one fine day, ta dah, you have cancer. Your whole world crumbles. You do all you can to be able to live.

But not before you ask God why? Why me? It's not that I don't have loads on my plate, why give me a buffet to deal with?

Amidst all the crazy emotions that run the gamut from denial, anger, fear to determination, I took a good look at my life. Having cancer made me do a stock-take of my life.

What kind of life had I led? What kind of person was I? Was I a good daughter, wife, mother, sister, friend?

What was my passion in life? I read somewhere, (yes, I've been reading a lot since my cancer diagnosis), that a person should have a passion in life and a goal so that gives her hope and courage to fight the cancer battle and win coz of the great desire to achieve this goal and live her passion.
It's the burning fuel that cures cancer coz of the desire to want to live.

I don't know of anyone who wants to die. Even people who commit suicide ... do they really wanna die if they had a choice?

We also never really give up on our dreams though we may put it on a side-burner, putting everyone's needs above ours, thinking we still have time.

But when you have cancer, time is not something you are sure of. You wanna live for now, do all the 1000 things on your bucket list in one month, if that is even possible, coz suddenly you realize time may be running out. (I love this song by Muse) You start thinking of yourself.

Ok that sounds a bit morbid, but as I try to be very positive and wanna be a survivor, and one day look back at this period of my life as a dark period but also a period where I learnt to value my life and the people around me, not to take things for granted and to simply be a better person, I do know that I play a small role in this. It is up to God.

Reality Check

Enjoying the last few good days left before I start on chemo number 5 on Tuesday, 28 Oct. It is the first one of 12 cycles (times) on the second phase of my chemo treatments.

Hope it goes well with my body with minimal side effects. Since I need to do it weekly for 3 bloody months, I need all the strength -- mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally. Would appreciate no drama during this time. I seem to be absorbing lots of negativity from the actions of other people. And seriously I could do with none of it. 

I'm the sort of person that loves to delve into things, probe into details, and in the end it affects me so badly. Sometimes people do not know that their actions affect me so much. I'm trying to not allow anything to affect me but it is a work in progress.

I have been praying on and off. I do believe that prayers from all my family members and friends are helping me tremendously. I thank everyone of you. I believe the prayers are helping me as I'm coping well with the side effects of chemo. 

Bald, blackish nail beds, dry skin and weird taste buds are nothing compared to what others are going through. I'm ever so grateful chemo has been kind to me so far.

Of course, some days I feel low as I hate to rely on others to help me. I hate feeling tired. I hate being a party pooper. I'm having cancer and I don't expect my hubs, Megan or my family to just focus on me, they have their lives.

Most battles you fight, you fight on your own anyway. Just as, if you die, people think about you less and less as the days go by.

Life just continues.

Thinking of death finally. It's time for me to research on the stats of how great are my chances of remission, etc for the kind of bitch of a cancer that I have. I can't put it off any longer.

It is only when faced with death that one comes alive.

.

Being aware alone is not enough

This is the month of October, the breast cancer awareness month.

Most of us know of someone who is fighting cancer, has survived it or lost the fight.  I love this quote which I came across recently:

• Support the Fighters
• Admire the Survivors
• Honour the Taken

I feel that one should not only be aware of breast cancer, you should take action. Do your monthly self-test, and most of all go to the doctor to do an ultra-sound and mammogram (for those over 40 years old, I think). Early detection saves lives. 

Besides that research indicates that 30% of cancer is due to one's lifestyle. So eat a healthy diet -- cut down or cut out, dairy products, red meat, fatty food, processed food, sugar, alcohol and smoking, and be physically active and stress-free. 

Yes easier said than done. But try everything in small steps and eventually you will start feeling better and will incorporate more of the healthy practices into your lifestyle. Of course, you're allowed to have cheat days -- like that night out eating a succulent steak accompanied by a few glasses of red wine. Then get back on track the next day.

Yeah I know what you're thinking? You know of people that have led a healthy lifestyle and yet got breast cancer or some other form of cancer. That's true, no research is conclusive as to why our cancer cells become active. Ask any doctor, and she or he can't give you a firm answer simply because they don't know why. There are many factors involved.

There are many people who are smoking like a chimney, and boozing daily and eating meat frequently and they are still living right into their 80's. 

Well, I just reckon that you do your part in being healthy and stress-free and, the rest is out of our hands.

Back to the Pink October Month, as you all probably know that my mom passed away in June last year due to angio sarcoma of the breast. I, of all people should know better than to not get my breasts checked regularly. That's why I'm advising ladies to go get their breasts checked. 

My hubby pestered me to get an appoinment since February last year. But I still kept putting off visiting my doctor for my yearly check-up until one day I felt the pain in my ribs and numbness in my left arm, and finally found that painful lump just way at the bottom of my left breast.

So, take it from me, make the time and brave yourself to see the doctor now. It's so much better than having to go through chemo and fighting for your life.

* This video is great. Please watch it and share. It was done by a breast cancer support group here in Malaysia that consists of mainly breast cancer survivors and warriors; a truly helpful group of women whom I admire greatly for their strength, and for their generousity in sharing their knowledge to other breast cancer survivors, and everyone in general to raise the awareness of breast cancer.

Braving it for Chemotherapy

I've had 3 cyles of chemotherapy, each 3 weeks apart from the other. My next one is on Wednesday, 8th October.

I was really scared and didnt know what to expect for the first one. I read about how other patients reacted to them, (must remember everyone reacts to it differently) and I also asked my oncologist a whole load of questions prior to the treatment. He was very patient and his answers left me feeling confident that I would be fine.

My husband accompanied me for my first 2 cycles. I brought along my prayer book, some books to read, head-phones, ipad, some mints and a bottle of water. I decided to go alone for the third one, however, I got my friend to pick me up from the hospital after my treatment was over.

The whole process from getting your blood taken for a test, seeing your doctor and finally getting the go ahead to do your treatment takes around 3 to 4 hours. So it's fun to have someone to chat with for a bit, music to calm your nerves and some reading if you are up to it.

Chemo cocktail of AC drugs

My daughter made me this to remember that this is a healing journey for me; to get rid of all

the cancer cells, if any is still lurking around somewhere in my body.

The nurses at the chemotherapy daycare centre are all super good and friendly, and that makes things a whole lot easier for you. Especially when you're scared and need some reassurance that everything is gonna be alright.

I've always been scared of needles. Having a chemo port makes the process less painful.

All smiles just as the nurse is about to start the process.

Once the chemo drugs have been administered, they put you on drips for another 45 minutes. Then you're good to go.

Phew, the feeling when it's over and you just wanna go home and rest.

It takes about 4 hours when I start to feel all weird and nauseous, and it lasts between 4 to 7 days. After that I'm back to normal. I can eat, do my morning walks, cook, even go out for some shopping.

I'm afraid it's bad news, you have cancer

After the routine mammogram, I did the ultra-sound, both pretty uncomfortable when you have fibrocystic boobs. I noticed that the doctor kept going over the spot that I had found the lump. I don't like it when a doctor tells you that she isn't too happy with what she sees, however, to be very sure she needs me to get a biopsy done as soon as possible.

After the ultra-sound I went to see my breast surgeon. She looked at me and said the same thing she told my mom when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer 8 years ago. "I don't like what I see, you need to do a biopsy." Before that she also asked me why I had not come in last year for my check-up.

How could I tell her when I didn't know why I had not done my yearly check-up. My hubby kept reminding me to do so and I kept putting it off. And I guess that's why I'm in this situation, but I'm still lucky to have caught it at this stage.

My biopsy was scheduled the next day. It was painful, even though the doctor had injected me with pain killers. I have a low pain-threshold. I used whatever technique I knew, breathing technique and centering myself but I could still feel the discomfort when my flesh was being extracted from my dear boob.

I was in day-care so I could rest for a few hours in the hospital before I was allowed to go home.

I saw my breast doctor a few days later.  I just knew it wasn't good news.

As I went into her room with my 11-year-old daughter, my doctor looked at me and asked me if I had brought an adult family member. She asked if my sister was with me as my sister was also her patient. I told her no, and to just tell me my diagnosis. I was prepared for the news. Of course, nobody is prepared to hear, "you have cancer."

Since I 'll be be refering to my doctor a lot, I 'll use her name. Doctor Pat told me that I had invasive ductal carcinoma Stage 2B. She said they needed to remove the cancerous lump and also a few lymph nodes to see if they were carcinoma, and to do further tests.

My lumpectomy was done four days later, and they had found that one of my lymph nodes had cancerous cells in it. They removed the 2.1 cm lump and 13 lymph nodes. I stayed in the hospital for four days. I wasn't in pain or anything, just weak so I kept sleeping quite a bit. My sweet daughter kept me company and was actually my private little nurse.

When the results were out from the laboratory, about a week later,  my doctor informed me that I had Stage 2B estrogen progesterone postive and HERS 2 positive Grade 3 breast cancer.  Which meant that after chemotherapy and radiotherapy, I would be on hormone therapy for the next 5-10 years. Forced into an early menopause was not how I had planned my years ahead to be like. But I had to follow the medication if I was to be completely healed.

I'm really comfortable with my breast surgeon. She allowed me time to get over my shock of the news -- cry buckets, and was very caring. She felt that I needed to think it over with my husband and family, and to perhaps meet up with the oncologist that she had recommended just to see if I was comfortable with him.

My husband, daughter and I met up with the oncologist. He explained to us thoroughly the type of cancer I had and how the cells were dysfunctional, and also the kind of chemotherapy I would need.
I was to start with 4 rounds of 3-weekly AC drugs and 12 rounds of weekly Taxol drug. Then monthly, Herceptin drug, and Tamoxifen for 5 to 10 years.

I felt pretty comfortable with the doctor and he could answer most of my questions.  I was concerned about the side effects of the drugs and if I could cope well with it. Also, I needed to know the success rate for patients with my diagnosis. He seemed very positive. He said I was basically healthy and still young, and should do pretty well with the chemo course laid out for me.

We left the hospital feeling that at least I was going to get the best medical care to treat breast cancer. It's really important when you feel comfortable with your medical team and trust that you are in the best hands.

When you are facing cancer, good support from your family and friends matter. I'm lucky to have it all. Now everything lay in my hands; informed knowledge of my diagnosis, I can play an active role in my healing, and a correct mindset and attitude to battle cancer.

Ok who am I kidding? I was scared as hell, I kept thinking, WTF,  I had plans. I could now travel cheaply around the world, ( perks of being married to a pilot) , and here I was home-bound, gonna go bald and looking like I had escaped from prison, and God knows what kinda party the cancer cells are having in my body!

It's boob day focus

We never quite take them seriously, which we should, medically I mean. After all, we love how women envy another 'nice' pair of boobs and men simply love boobs. Well, most men that I know anyway.

It's a must to go for  an annual mammogram (after 40 especially) and ultrasound scan. I must admit that I do not make it my priority, and do it as the last thing on my list. (Bad bad girl).Which for me is like playing with the devil as my mom was dignosed with breast cancer just three years ago. She's completely cured, thank God for that, however, she  has to visit the hospital for her regular check-ups.

So I shouldn't be playing with the devil.  Some things I really don't have an answer for. Maybe I'm just a coward and don't want to know. Just ignore the problem, Which translates to stupidity. Because the whole boob day process just takes about 2-3 hours.

The process of the mammogram is quick though a tad uncomfortable. The nurse helps you to place each boob at a time on a plate (while you're standing) and it's squashed for like a few seconds, from the top and another from the side. So two angles on each breast, and you are done.

Then off to do the ultrasound scan, which is more painful for me, as I have an army of lumps and cysts, common in the type of  fibrocystic breast tissue kind of breasts that I happen to have. They come and they go, some stay and hurt a bit more prior to my menses. And God forbid if, like me, you love your daily coffee because it doesn't help with the discomfort.

Sorry for the digressing bit, yes, the ultrasound process is longer -- some gel is applied on each breast, and  then the breast is scanned --  every cm of it. Any bumps, lumps or cysts are detected by the machine and shown on the computer screen in front of the doctor. Just by looking at the type of shape and density of the lump, the doctor can more or less, tell you if it's a cyst or something suspicious.

The results of both tests come in films and are sent to my breast surgeon. Then it's consultation time.It's great if like me, you have a friendly and patient doctor. Because I really can get annoying with the questions that I ask. But I rather not be shy so when I leave the doctor's office I can feel a burden off my shoulders, and happy... all  ready to go out and celebrate with a mojito.  I really don't think much about it till a year later. Or, when my boyfriend discovers a lump and asks me about it. Then it's back to black, worrying days until I visit my doctor again!