Friday, October 18, 2013

When your number is up, you have to go

I took time to grieve. A stranger looking at me would never know that I was grieving within. I couldn't come to terms with the fact that I wasn't by my mom's bedside when she passed on. It was fated -- I've never seen a person die. I don't think I could forget that moment as I tend to replay things in my mind unintentionally. It would have been a torture.

My mom was always scared of dying. But I think at the end of her journey, she accepted her faith and left it in God's hands. She used to jokingly say to the doctors that she was the chosen one, or one in a million as having angio sarcoma was rare in Malaysia. 

She appeared jovial yet was very scared inside. She would say that we all had a number, and once our number is up, we have to go. She also reminded us to appreciate and say all the things we wanted to say to a person when the person is alive and not when the person is dead.

But I for one seriously thought that my mom would not have gone so soon. And so there were things both of us had left unspoken.

She had the fighting spirit but her body just couldn't cope with the aggression of the cancer.It spread viciously and attacked her organs and within a year she left us.

The only solace I can find is the fact that she had her final wish of not suffering in agony and not looking like a skeleton which is the case when one dies because of cancer. She looked like she was sleeping peacefully with a hint of a smile.

It's been less than four months. The pain of losing her never ceases, but I know she would want us to be happy and to live life fully. Rest now mama.


 This one is for you.


                                               Smiling from heaven
       
You held on for as long as you could
God saw your struggles, saw your pain
And took you home.
Worry not about us
Our tears, our sorrows we cannot hide
But in time we will get by.
Rest now sweet Mama for nothing was in vain
We remember all your words, your guidance
We hear your voice within us.
We feel your presence in our hearts
The memories with you
we cherish forever.
Watch over us and guide us from above
Even nag at us,
we know you want to.
We long so much to hold and hug you,
If only for a second
And tell you we will be fine.
We love and miss you Mama
So keep smiling from heaven,
until we meet again.







Friday, June 14, 2013

Have a little faith that things will turn out for the best




Sometimes you just got to believe that for some reason things always do eventually turn out for the best.

Give it time.

At first you try and control everything to go in a way that you think you know it should. And when it doesn't you lose faith in things, in people and in yourself. You feel defeated, rejected and like a loser. And that is a terrible place to be in.

I reckon there are times you can do your part, and if it doesn't turn out the way you want then let it be. Let go of control, of expectations, and just believe in God and the universe to lead it to what it should be for the good of all. This doesn't mean giving up or being weak, on the contrary it just means you know when to shift your focus and energy on things that will benefit you.

I know this sounds like some mumbo-jumbo pseudo-science thinking but seriously it works, well at least for me. When things are out of your hands, nothing you do will really matter. And it is pointless if all it does is to make you feel crappy and stressed, and affects other people and your life in general.

Life is way too precious to dwell on things you can't control. Everything is in your mind, you change your perception of things if that allows you some peace. We all could do with some peace.

Wednesday, June 05, 2013

Let go of all the crap that is holding you back

Letting go is never easy.

You know deep within that you have lots of crap to off load but you keep putting it off. You give it reasons to follow you, burden you, hinder you, do all sorts of things to you, to slow you down and hamper with your growth.

It's funny that most times you already know the reason why you do the things you do but you can't seem to tear away from 'being in transit'.

You need a coach or a mentor, or hired killer to push you, perhaps with a gun to your head, to tell you to do what's bloody right for you. Not tomorrow, but now.

Let go of  negativity
Let go of being mean to yourself
Let go of bad relationships
Let go of the hurt and pain
Let go of anger
Let go of your inhibitions
Let go of the hurtful remarks from others
Let go of your faults
Let go of hate
Let go of envy
Let go of worry
Let go of guilt
Let go of attachments
Let go of being in control
Let go of things out of your control
Let go of the past




Wednesday, May 29, 2013

To love is to allow the other the space to grow as an individual




"Love one another,

               but make not a bond of love: 

Let it rather be a moving sea between
                           the shores of your souls."

-- Kahlil Gibran, Love Letters in the Sand: The Love Poems of Kahlil Gibran

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

You, yes you, darling complete yourself

Sometimes in the process of wanting something so badly, we lose sight on the reason as to why we are doing it. Many a time it's to feel secure and loved, and we try to look outside of ourselves to fill this void. 

In actual fact, we need to work on ourselves first, and to be a complete, happy and confident person who doesn't need someone to complete us. 

That someone who we meet and is in our life should just be a bonus that takes our lives to a higher state of fulfillment. With or without this person, we can be complete and happy with ourselves. We look inward for our own happiness and anything outward that we connect with is just an added bonus.

Relationships will be so much easier if individuals come into it as a whole person, instead of looking towards each other to fill in the gaps that are lacking within oneself. Sooner or later when this person is unable to constantly prove to be supporting that emptiness or 'thing' that is lacking, discontentment arises and then the unhappiness surface, and tears the relationship apart. Simply because we chose to be in a relationship when we were not ready and for all the wrong reasons.

Get to know yourself. Because you, and only you can complete yourself. To be happy and fulfilled within is your goal, and not others. You decide on your happiness. 






Thursday, May 23, 2013

Reflections On Mother's Day. One advice my mom gave that I should have listened to.

My mom may not have had the highest of tertiary education but she sure as hell knows a lot about life from the school of hard knocks. Her experiences in life made her a strong person, and no matter what kind of relationship you may have with your mother, you know deep within that some of the stuff your mothers stress on are usually right. 

She may not have the tact to tell you nicely but do listen to her two cents worth as mothers have seen it, done it, and heck don't wish the same for their children.

This Mother's Day, I actually had a few moments to reminisce on my life and to ponder on all that my mom had instilled in me. Being a single mom, I often wondered, if I had listened to just half of what she was saying,  would I be in the position I find myself in today?

Lessons from my mom :
Firstly, always have a job and career. Never depend solely on a man, even if he is your husband, for financial support. Women need to be financially independent, for you never know when you have to rely on yourself alone to continue living the life that you have been accustomed to.

You lose a little of yourself and your voice when you have to depend on a man. If things do turn sour, you will always have your career to fall back into and to carry on with life. Money is important so we can  do what we want and need in life. Don't let love, family or kids blind you to everything. You need to have savings, and a career. Period.

I feel I may have failed on this advise as two years ago, I lost my business and ever since then I have been struggling to make a comeback, whether it is to find new employment or to start a new business. I lost everything in that business, and just as it is when things just change, I went through a divorce at the same time. So life was low at that time but then again I met my current partner then and that helped me to pull through the rough patches.

Note to myself: Get your finances in order. Follow your passion and the money will flow. Stay focused and just do it. Perseverance pays.

My mom also told me many years ago when I first started dating, that you should be with a guy that loves you more than you love him. I've no idea why she believes this but I guess when someone loves you more than you do them then it is harder for them to hurt you, and if they do hurt you, you are in a better position to pick yourself up from the break up. I may be wrong on this one but I have no idea or how on earth to measure if my partner loves me more than I do him.

All I do know is it's important to be with someone that you trust, respect and love, and both of you  complement each other. As long as he doesn't have obvious flaws like being a gambler, womanizer or drunk then the rest I can be deal with.

My mom also advised us to never ever be with a man if he ever hits us. Just leave. "No second chances on this one, " she said. "Once he lays his hands on you, he will always do so." Thank God I never went out with such a guy.

One thing I really admire in my mom is that she is such a fighter besides of course having a big, kind heart.
My mom, till today at the age of 77, is a strong-willed person who is going to all lengths to fight for her life. She has angio sarcoma of the breasts and has gone through three major surgeries in the span of  nine months. She is still battling on. She wants to live. 

I know deep within I do have that fighting spirit, thanks to her, and life is going to be just fine if I hold on to her words of wisdom.

Happy Mother's Day.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Do You Hide Things From Your Partner



Is it alright to hide things like meeting someone in an airport and chatting with them, and then keeping in touch with them from your partner?

Let's say your partner is very open and talks about everything to you, and both of you are honest with one another; so is it fair if you hide things from each other at times especially when it concerns meeting and making new friends with someone of the opposite sex.

Do you not tell because you just simply didn't t think it was important, or you don't want your partner to know and be jealous or suspicious, or you just want to have some fun on the side and hope you will not be found out.

If nothing comes out of it then no harm done for not telling and you have a new friend of the opposite sex.

But what happens when you get found out, or you casually develop a liking for your newfound friend, and things progress deeper and you develop feelings.

Have you been fair to your partner?

If you are still new in a relationship and this happens, it may be the case that you are not ready for a serious relationship and commitment with your partner.

If this happens when you are already together for a long time, more than three years for example, it could be a case of boredom.  I may be generalizing too much here, but bottom line is if you hide something from your partner you probably have to ask yourself this; why am I doing this?

I lost my perfect vision on my 40th birthday, I swear


I woke up a day after my 40th birthday, and my vision was blur.

Before this I had perfect vision.

I rubbed my eyes, and things looked blur. It wasn't so obvious at first, but as the weeks when by, I was straining my eyes to read the newspapers in the morning. And it sure was a struggle to read the text messages on my Iphone. I had to increase the font size, better still squint my eyes, and that formed small tiny lines on my forehead. Heaven forbid!

Anyway, that's the first tell-tale sign that a lady is in her forties (as you know it is quite difficult to guess an Asian ladies age).She has her reading glasses on, or she is caught squinting her eyes while reading her text messages and food menu.

I had my eyes checked and welcomed reading glasses into my life.

Since I only need glasses for reading, it can be a little of a chore to slip them on when you need them and off again post-reading. And as time passes by I know my vision is just gonna deteriorate. So whenever I'm in front of the computer or reading I take a break every half an hour or so to relax my eyes, hoping this helps.

Well, this is all part of moving along in life, I so hate the word growing old or ageing. Sounds like I'm on my way out.

I still have lots on my bucket list before I kick the bucket I want to be able to complete every darn item on it.

Saturday, March 30, 2013

Diet Pills Alone Don't Work, You Need To Get Physical!

That's the simple reality of it all, the diet pills, or weight management pills, work best when you combine it with a healthy meal and some form of physical activity.

After just relying on the pills for a month or so , I didn't lose weight. It was just a waste of money and it made me feel nauseous and moody at times.

Your metabolism slows down when you hit your mid 30's and downhill in your 40's.

I dislike working out in the gym. I prefer doing different type of  fun exercises so it doesn't get boring. One day swimming, another day walking up the hill, and another just dancing away.

I discovered an exercise boot camp near my home. Two trainers guide a group of 20 campers to do a combination of strength and endurance training for an hour. It's pretty tough but fun as the set of exercises are always different and you get to exercise with others outdoor, three times a week.
Losing the inches through exercise

It has been two weeks and I look forward to it. I think I may have shed some weight off without dwelling too much on it. It was just exciting to complete the set of exercises, feeling out of breath, and sweating buckets in the process of it all. I'm starting to feel fit once again. And that feels pretty good!