I'm afraid it's bad news, you have cancer

After the routine mammogram, I did the ultra-sound, both pretty uncomfortable when you have fibrocystic boobs. I noticed that the doctor kept going over the spot that I had found the lump. I don't like it when a doctor tells you that she isn't too happy with what she sees, however, to be very sure she needs me to get a biopsy done as soon as possible.

After the ultra-sound I went to see my breast surgeon. She looked at me and said the same thing she told my mom when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer 8 years ago. "I don't like what I see, you need to do a biopsy." Before that she also asked me why I had not come in last year for my check-up.

How could I tell her when I didn't know why I had not done my yearly check-up. My hubby kept reminding me to do so and I kept putting it off. And I guess that's why I'm in this situation, but I'm still lucky to have caught it at this stage.

My biopsy was scheduled the next day. It was painful, even though the doctor had injected me with pain killers. I have a low pain-threshold. I used whatever technique I knew, breathing technique and centering myself but I could still feel the discomfort when my flesh was being extracted from my dear boob.

I was in day-care so I could rest for a few hours in the hospital before I was allowed to go home.

I saw my breast doctor a few days later.  I just knew it wasn't good news.

As I went into her room with my 11-year-old daughter, my doctor looked at me and asked me if I had brought an adult family member. She asked if my sister was with me as my sister was also her patient. I told her no, and to just tell me my diagnosis. I was prepared for the news. Of course, nobody is prepared to hear, "you have cancer."

Since I 'll be be refering to my doctor a lot, I 'll use her name. Doctor Pat told me that I had invasive ductal carcinoma Stage 2B. She said they needed to remove the cancerous lump and also a few lymph nodes to see if they were carcinoma, and to do further tests.

My lumpectomy was done four days later, and they had found that one of my lymph nodes had cancerous cells in it. They removed the 2.1 cm lump and 13 lymph nodes. I stayed in the hospital for four days. I wasn't in pain or anything, just weak so I kept sleeping quite a bit. My sweet daughter kept me company and was actually my private little nurse.

When the results were out from the laboratory, about a week later,  my doctor informed me that I had Stage 2B estrogen progesterone postive and HERS 2 positive Grade 3 breast cancer.  Which meant that after chemotherapy and radiotherapy, I would be on hormone therapy for the next 5-10 years. Forced into an early menopause was not how I had planned my years ahead to be like. But I had to follow the medication if I was to be completely healed.

I'm really comfortable with my breast surgeon. She allowed me time to get over my shock of the news -- cry buckets, and was very caring. She felt that I needed to think it over with my husband and family, and to perhaps meet up with the oncologist that she had recommended just to see if I was comfortable with him.

My husband, daughter and I met up with the oncologist. He explained to us thoroughly the type of cancer I had and how the cells were dysfunctional, and also the kind of chemotherapy I would need.
I was to start with 4 rounds of 3-weekly AC drugs and 12 rounds of weekly Taxol drug. Then monthly, Herceptin drug, and Tamoxifen for 5 to 10 years.

I felt pretty comfortable with the doctor and he could answer most of my questions.  I was concerned about the side effects of the drugs and if I could cope well with it. Also, I needed to know the success rate for patients with my diagnosis. He seemed very positive. He said I was basically healthy and still young, and should do pretty well with the chemo course laid out for me.

We left the hospital feeling that at least I was going to get the best medical care to treat breast cancer. It's really important when you feel comfortable with your medical team and trust that you are in the best hands.

When you are facing cancer, good support from your family and friends matter. I'm lucky to have it all. Now everything lay in my hands; informed knowledge of my diagnosis, I can play an active role in my healing, and a correct mindset and attitude to battle cancer.

Ok who am I kidding? I was scared as hell, I kept thinking, WTF,  I had plans. I could now travel cheaply around the world, ( perks of being married to a pilot) , and here I was home-bound, gonna go bald and looking like I had escaped from prison, and God knows what kinda party the cancer cells are having in my body!

So much can happen within a year

I haven't written for nearly a year.

So much has happened, some good, some bad but all life-changing and need some adapting to on my path and those I'm close to.

Since my last post my fiancee and I went on a three week holiday to Europe. We visited Chamonix (France), Venice & Riomanggiore (Italy), and Belgium. It was an insightful holiday, more soul-searching whilst absorbing the lovely connections each place offered us. In a way it helped me heal within the many issues surrounding the death of someone who you always thought would be around. Many questions lingered but it always ended with the knowledge that the loved one is no longer suffering and is resting peacefully now.

We visited Iceland too at the end of the year but that was more for a medical purpose, so my fiancee could get his vision corrected. That would need another blog entry as it was one of the most beautiful countries I had ever visited, and the coldest too. I experienced snow for the very first time, yes, better late than never.

Earlier this year, I received some bad news on a trial that was ongoing for more than 2 years. The old, sick pervert was acquitted for all his wrongdoings. And we had lost two people along the way, and many lives, including mine have been shattered; which may require life-time counselling. But most importantly, a wrong act was not brought to justice, and innocent, helpless individuals were hurt and still hurting till today. The case is being appealed but I don't really care anymore. Justice will be served when this monster is dead.

Along the way I learnt about forgiveness. I didn't quite understand it at first. How could I forgive someone who had done evil to the one I love? But I slowly learnt that to forgive doesn't mean to accept what the person has done. It is just to acknowledge the situation and to move along. It's for your to heal and to get on with life. It's about me and not the perpetrator.

I guess that took awhile to sink in. All the accumulated stress didn't help me at all. My body was toxic, thriving on acidity.

Just a month after that we were in the middle of re-locating to a new country because my fiancee had a new job. My daughter was home-schooled for a few months, and we were getting used to a foreign land. The culture and lifestyle were very much alien to us but as with all things you do get used to it over time. In the mean time we made new friends and visited new places which were really fun.

I started feeling some numbness in my left arm, and some soreness in my left ribcage. I didnt think much of it and thought that the pain would go away eventually. I knew I was heading back to KL soon so if the pain was still there I would get it checked out.

Then things got pretty busy as we were getting married in June. A lot of preparation had to be done when one marries a foreigner. Documents needed to be translated to English, and endorsed by the Embassy before we could get them in order for submission. In all that excitement, I somewhat forgot about my discomfort in my arm. We had a small wedding celebration and were planning on going on our honeymoon when my hubby had his next vacation as he had just joined a new company. Bora Bora was worth the wait.

My mom's one year death anniversary was on the 29 June 2014.  Just few weeks before that I kept thinking of her more that I normally did, and dreamt of her.  Since the pain was still there, I self-examined my breast and found a lump just at the bottom of my left breast. It hurt and I just knew something wasn't right. The lumps I had prior to this never hurt this way. I made an appoinment with my regular breast doctor right away.

On 30th June 2014, my doctor told me that I had breast cancer. My world just collapsed. I had so many plans.