Friday, September 16, 2016

When someone shows you their true colours, believe them

You make me laugh again. Over silly things. You have seen me at my worst, and still choose to be with me. I may die in 5-10 years. Or sooner, who knows. You make me wanna live forever. Making the most of everyday. Unlike my coward husband who ran away.  
You nutter! 
😳😜😘

Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Control what you can and pray hard

It's a public holiday today, and I'm now sitting in a quiet cafe, having my meal alone and what better place to write in my blog. 

This place also reminds me of my first venture into business, whereby just behind the block I'm in now used to be the home of my former business; a massage and spa centre called Bliss Aromatherapy which operated from 2000 till 2004. Life was much different then. I was newly married and ran my own business, and planning to have a baby. My daughter is now 13 years old. 

Today ... well my life isn't too shabby. I got used to being a single mom. I do the best I can and at other times I'm just winging it. I try not to be around those 'perfect' moms so I stay sane. I've accepted the fact that my approach to parenting is rather liberal but will get more into it in another post.

The good news is my cancer seems to be under control despite all the stress from the break-up of my marriage. I just completed my quarterly medical check-up and the doctors seem to be happy with my health. I do suffer from the effects of Tamoxifen but if it's gonna keep me alive then I just gotta live with the hot flashes and daily trial runs of how hell would be like!

Some things in your life you can control and some you can't -- like those horrible hot flashes in the middle of the night and  your partner falling in lust with someone else.

For the past few months I have been trying to be physically fit. From working out with a personal trainer in a gym I've moved on to Pilates. I'm doing Pilates regularly because it has helped with my frozen shoulder. And also because I like how it has taught me to be conscious of the different muscles and how my body can be affected by just being aware of my posture while standing, sitting or driving. 




I just read an article by Anythony Robbins that advices one who is going though pain and grief from a break-up. It says one should not hurry through the process of getting over it and moving on as soon as possible, instead it says take the time to live through the pain, learn and grow from it. 

Also to take charge of things that you can control such as being physically fit so you can then be in a better place to control your mental and emotional 
state.

Without realizing it I have been drawn to getting physically fit. It's like I wanna be strong to overcome the mental stress I've been going through. 

I've been also trying out new types of exercises like barre and also hula hooping. Just the other morning I went for a walk in the park. It was a refreshing change to be amidst beautiful greenery and to see other families hanging out. Makes me smile and feel all warmth inside that some people are lucky to have a great husband to love and support them, and to have a close-knit family.

It gives me hope that one day I will have my happy ending.  

And yes, I've started praying again. 




Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Stolen wedding ring, death and peaceful sleep.

Just a year ago, my daughter and I were in Belgium enjoying the summer holiday.  We stayed at the vicinity of Grand Place and had a few days to scour the area for interesting and highly recommended restaurants, cafes and specialty shops.



Life seemed relaxed and I finally thought that perhaps, once my post-chemo treatments were over I could once again get back to the normalcy of life. Stress-free and cancer-free. But certainly not husband-free.

I really did think that the worse was probably over.

I have to mention the story of my wedding band which was stolen from the safe box in a hotel in Bali last year. I have since stopped talking to my so called best-friend over this incident. My husband then bought me another ring to replace the lost one. Call it bad luck or whatever, but roll on less than a year from that horrible experience, it might have been better if I didn't even bother to replace that ring. It reminds me of the bad memories related to it, and the ring is insignificant now. I don't wear it anymore.

Today, I have to pinch myself or I might think that I'm dreaming. My life has changed. I travel less, I shop less, I feel less hungry to accumulate material goods. I know if I should die, I could never take any of my beautiful Chanel handbags or Valentino heels with me. God forbid if my family decides to dress me up in my designer fashion as my last farewell and then off to be cremated in them. I must remind them to not do so.

When I was in my twenties, I was fascinated with death and used to read up all I could to know what happens to us when we die. I even had a cassette (yeah, that long ago) with a compilation of songs that I wanted played at my funeral. And ever since I was diagnosed with breast cancer in July 2014, I have been thinking about death. I used to be scared of it but I'm less scared now.

One of my friends, who was also undergoing chemotherapy at the same time that I was, had died unexpectedly in May this year. She was in her early thirties. She was a brave person and so full of life, and never once did she question why the hell she had cancer or moan about the harsh effects of the treatments. She fought it like a true champion. I was very heartbroken when I found out that she had died. Her family have been having memorial parties for her in a few cities around the world to celebrate her beautiful life. And this is an awesome way to bid farewell to a beautiful soul.

I believe that there are so many friends and family members who had been taken away too soon and they are now watching over me, and when my time comes they will guide me over to the other side. And it wouldn't be so bad after all.

I have my second year full medical check-up tomorrow. I'm hoping I'm in remission and that all the stress from the past few months had not affected my health.

I may have a somewhat different life now.

I may not be a globe-trotter but I'm happy to be finally 'home' and having the peaceful sleep I had been deprived of all these years. I actually feel safe and happy.




Friday, July 15, 2016

The things you once dislike may be the things you end up with

On more occasions than one, I have found that people who moan and groan about things/people/situations that they dislike have had circumstances in life change and they are then faced with liking even loving and embracing these things/people/situations that once annoyed them.

I once knew a guy that actually made snide remarks of how certain people dressed and prayed. Then roll on ten years or so, he is practicing this faith and is more devout than one born into this religion. He has now started preaching too. Yup.

People change. Circumstances change. What you say you will never ever do will be the exact thing you might do in the future.

Another person I know likes to tease how certain folks from a certain country speak English, not that his spoken English was any better. 

Anyways he is now in a relationship with a woman from this country.  I guess both are trying to decipher what the other is really trying to say. Or better still, less they understand what each other is really trying to say, the longer their relationship can last! 

He also used to make fun of how these women's feet and toes are spread out like a baboon's yet now he is probably licking them nasty-looking toes, lol.

Ah such is life! 

I wouldn't be surprise that one of my other friends, the one who dislikes kids, will actually have his/her own kids or marry someone who has children. This person actually gets so annoyed by younger kids and babies' crying or making any form of noise, when they are nearby that he will stare at them and scold them! You would think he was never once a kid.

I once told myself that I would never marry a Caucasian as they never did really understand the Asian culture and lifestyle. Worse still, when English is not their main language, just trying to understand one another can be tiring in the end. And married one I did. And needless to say we never did understand one another!


Friday, June 24, 2016

The fastest way to forget someone


I have been reflecting on many things these past few weeks. They say that when you go through tough times you tend to learn and grow more compared to when life is a walk in the park. If that is true I have reached PHD level by now. I have packed up a lot throughout my lifetime. Dr Phil would be very proud of me as I am still here, smiling and going with the flow of things.

Some days I wake up and feel energised and ready to face the world. Some days I just wanna lay in bed all day and go under the covers. I once remembered someone telling me that after all that I've gone through I deserved the best and to enjoy life to the fullest.

The irony of it is that, that someone is now the cause of my pain. I guess people sometimes say some things and do mean it at that point in time then the selfish side in them takes over and they think of themselves and their happiness first. So they forget about you and the promises they made to you.

I have had my fair share of broken relationships and my months of struggle trying to get over them; even though at times I'm the one who initiated the break-ups. 

I guess the longer your relationship is the harder it is to break up. So I've no idea how some people can just coolly walk out of a long term relationship and not care about anything. They just continue with another relationship with someone they just met and move on. Holding hands and smiling into the sunset!

I have through my experience found out a new way of getting over someone really fast. After the initial shock, sadness, anger, and acceptance, there is one way you can perceive things so you go cold turkey on this person. 

You imagine that this person has died. Yup. Death is final.

So when you imagine someone has died, and doesn't exist, you know you have to continue moving forward and not backwards. You can no longer be in contact with a dead person. 

Cherish the good times, accept the bad times and let everything rest in peace. 
R.I.P X


Friday, June 17, 2016

Hmmm ...

You can sometimes be with someone and feel lonely
And you can sometimes be alone and feel complete 


Thursday, June 16, 2016

So your man is having mid-life crisis?

Yesterday while I was having dinner with my daughter, I looked across the room  to the other table and saw two elderly women. Both looked like they were in their 60's, and both looked well-groomed and obviously came from affluent backgrounds. 

With their coiffured hair, and classy dressing, it crossed my mind if they were still married and if yes, to their first husbands. 

Older men, especially those who go through bad mid-life crisis tend to look for younger women to make them feel good! I've had a few male friends of mine go through similar experiences, many ending up in divorces and mostly going on to the second phases of their lives with younger women in tow.

If a guy suddenly wakes up one morning and notices that he is overweight, has receding hairline and is no longer appealing to the opposite sex,  and by that I mean younger women in their twenties, they kinda freak out. 

These group of men probably have reached a certain level of accomplishment in their careers hence they are looking outward for superficial things that can make them feel better about themselves.

 I''ve spoken to a few guys, and they have confided in me that they feel that they need a fresh start in life and to actually enjoy live life to the fullest and more often than not the more pathetic the guys are the more they have a distorted sense of self-worth. They need a younger woman to make them feel young again. A new super bike just doesn't cut it anymore. 

So that leaves me wondering to all the older women out there who are abandoned by their husbands for younger women;  how do they feel about it and what do they do with themselves?

Do they start dating again and this time with younger men so they feel better about themselves? 
Or are they comfortable in their own skin and get busy doing things they had once sacrificed because they were busy doing all the things their husbands wanted when they were still married.

I'm gonna try and speak to women in similar situations and get the answers .

Till then, here's wishing you much love:)

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

From lovers to strangers ...

The last time I cried through my pain, my lawyer scolded me for doing so. She said it was a sign of weakness. 

But I beg to differ.

To get over grief we must experience grief and all the different stages of emotions that we go through to get out of the black hole of despair. 

Looking across the room at my Chanel handbags, which on normal days would make me grin like a kid receiving gifts on Christmas, I feel detached from them. The beauty fades in comparison to the cold I feel in my heart and the numbness permeating throughout my body. 

My thoughts drifted to the day my husband told me that he had wanted to leave me for over a year since I  had cancer. He stayed on not because he cared for or loved me. He stayed on because the doctors he consulted told him that my rate of recovery and getting through the chemotherapy treatments would be affected if he left me then. 

Somehow his actions and his reason don't quite make sense. It is usually the case when one party wants to desperately end a relationship, they hurt the other person so badly so that the relationship ends badly and the person never wants to see or talk to them again. 

But what difference does it make now?

My treatments may be over but with cancer you are always on standby. You never know if they will be recurrence even with good prognosis. 

A trauma after a trauma isn't going to help me for sure. He might as well as left me when I was first diagnosed. 

To tell you the truth, I always felt I was fighting cancer alone. Unlike some husbands who stay with you throughout the treatments, he was never quite around. His job took him around the globe so he escaped many phases of my sickness, and side effects of the chemo.

I felt alone yet welcomed the fact that he didn't see me suffering as he wouldn't understand or emphasized with it. 

And now I feel more abandoned than ever. 

It's one thing to leave someone but it's another thing to leave one so brutally. What cold and mean heart did he have? We were so close yet I never saw that or was I blinded for over seven years? 

We never really argued much; and he always reconfirmed that I was the best travel partner he had and how he would just not be able to get over things if I had passed on.

And now, just like that, he had flipped and wants a new life. He has gone to the extend of deleting all photos of us on every social media site. As if I'm dead already. 

And he seems to be on one holiday after another basking in his newfound sense of happiness. Always in fantasy land and never really thriving in reality.

Sometimes you can be close to someone yet never quite know them at all. There is madness in all of us but more so in some. 

One day they tell you that you are the love of their  life then the next day you cease to exist for them. 

Yesterday would have been our second year wedding anniversary, after being together for over seven years.

Today, we are strangers once again. 





Tuesday, June 07, 2016

Ouch ...

I've experienced pain in all forms from physical to mental. My threshold of pain has since moved from low to high. I've actually found that if I give in to the pain and accept it, the pain can be tolerated and conquered. Or, so I thought. Until I suffered from a toothache that required me to visit the same dentist twice and in tears because I couldn't heck the excruciating pain.

So here is my list of pain from the worst kind to the least.


1. Toothache that requires root canal

2. Biopsy of the breast

3. Post-surgery from caesarean

4.  Post-surgery from lumpectomy

5. Tattoo on the bony part of my body, e.g. my foot

6. Waking up with leg cramps 

7.Mammogram

8.Migraine

9. When the needle is inserted into my chemo port without any numbing cream

10.Gastritis


The other kind of pain, the one that stabs at your heart:

1) Death of a family member

2) When harm is done to my daughter and other family members

3) Betrayal from my lover

4) Betrayal from a close friend 

This is me suffering from a nasty toothache that requires a root canal 

If your body aches, you probably need to do this one thing

Change the mattress and pillows that you have been sleeping on.

I was suffering from all sorts of aches and pain; I thought it was my bones then my nerve and muscles, or the effect of all my medications.

Then I checked my mattress and realized whenever I slept elsewhere I wasn't in pain when I woke up. I slept better and was in a better mood.

So after months, someone special actually took the effort to change both my daughter's and my mattresses. Both of us were so grateful that we lay on the mattresses for a long time, moving from one room to another, just feeling how great our bodies felt laying on the firm, new ones compared to the old ones that had the springs biting into our bodies.  

Now we are both happy campers as we do love sleeping.

One word to describe our sleep -- bliss.

Thank you N.





Wednesday, May 18, 2016

A poem to myself

Hey you,
Be sad, cry, rant, punch a bag
Just feel your pain, your anger,
Then accept the hurt and grief
And walk on 
These feelings like all good or bad don't last
You will smile once again
Even laugh tears of joy
You will look back at this moment in your life 
and count your blessings 
The bad times that crushed the fragile you 
And the inner sadness you try so hard to hide 
Have in fact made you Love yourself again 
You are enough,
complete 
Someone is gonna love you 
As you are
Beautiful soul
Warm heart
You glow with so much life and love within 
You deserve to be at peace with yourself 
and
embrace the love from someone who loves like you do

He is waiting for you,
Beautiful you.









Monday, May 16, 2016

Poison




How do you look at yourself in the mirror
Knowing that you lie to yourself and to others 
How do you stand tall
When you fall short in being a gentleman.
How do you laugh
When you have made her cry
How do you sleep at night
When you are the reason she lays awake.
How do you continue living with yourself 
Knowing you are the reason for her grief.
What do you see in yourself 
When you can't be true to yourself 

Look, yes take a look at yourself in the mirror once again, 
Now live with what you see.


Monday, May 02, 2016

You can only rely on one person in your life

I've realized that nobody is responsible for you. You come to this world alone and you leave it alone.

If you wanna be happy, you do things that make you happy because nobody is gonna be responsible for your happiness. They might do or say things that make you happy but they can't and won't be doing it forever. 

They may be your partner, friend or family but people change, nothing remains the same -- not me or you either.  The good times never last and neither do the bad times. You just go through all the moments and live it.

If you give up your independence for someone make sure you know what is in store for you. You don't want to wake up one day and realize you sacrificed so
much for someone who merely took you for granted. You were both in the same car but had different destinations on your minds. 

For a few weeks now I had wanted to get a hold of a book called 'Bringing Home The Birkin' and someone told me he will try to get a hold of it but I guess he had forgotten about it. 

Anyway, I was in Kinokuniya today to buy another book but at the same time I asked the sales person about this book. I remembered about this book. And I was so happy they had a copy of it and I've already started reading it  -- devouring every page. Finally. 

I guess my point is people forget what you tell them and what matters to you (to get this book because I need it for my business) and if you really want something then just go and get it yourself. 

Just like being happy, go do stuff, whatever you want, even if you can't afford a glass of Moet, go bloody drink it if that makes you happy! 




Thursday, April 28, 2016

If life gives you lemons ...

I'm having a pretty crappy day so I thought I'll try and stay positive by coming up with different variations to this.

If life gives you lemons ...

1) you grab a bottle of grey goose and tonic and get sloshed.

2) you add it to water and have a healthy alkaline drink!

3) you squirt some on your ex's eyes.

4) you make lemonade, drink it and shut up.

5) you find someone who life has given them vodka, and you both have a party. 

6) you exchange them for some ice-cream.


Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Life Oh Life, Beaten But Not Broken

I have recently experienced a gamut of emotions that have made me question life, and why someone that claimed to love you at some point in time turns around and cause you so much heartache.

I believe good and evil reside in all of us. For whatever reason it may be people can be evil and do things out of the norm; acting selfish without thinking of the pain they are inflicting on you.

I believe in karma, and I know that one day the people that have hurt me will beg for my forgiveness. So for now, I'm letting go of all the crap. I'm all cried out.

Some people come into your life for a short period of time, make you learn and grow and then they exit from your life so that you may continue this journey. One day I will look back at this period of my life and thank the person. This will be a blessing.

I have been through so much pain in life that I think it has numbed me. What hasn't destroyed me has toughened me instead. All I can say is, the cancer was easy to handle compared to the betrayal of a loved one.

And now I must move on to better things that are in store for me. I'm looking forward to my new life.


The Four Heavenly Fountains by Suzy Kassem

Laugh I tell you 
And you will turn back
the hands of time

Smile I tell you 
And you will reflect 
the face of the divine

Sing I tell you
And all the angels will sing with you

Cry I tell you
And the reflections found in your pool of tears 
Will remind you of the lessons of today and yesterday
To guide you through the fears of tomorrow

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Why I need a personal trainer


I've finally listened to my oncologist's advice and started exercising. I'm one person who gets bored going to the gym -- in the past I'll go faithfully for a few weeks then just drop out. Something about routine that I dislike. 
So this time I decided to get a personal trainer to push me into getting fit. I hope it will get me committed to my goal of getting fit. I've no choice but to do whatever he asks me to and I quite like it.

It's personalized and I can't hide or not do the exercises. I also know he has a plan for my workout and it varies as I get better and stronger. I'm actually feeling much better and fitter. 
The workout starts with a 30-minute training followed by 30 minutes of FIR which means I sit in a wooden cabin and pretty much sweat buckets. The first time I couldn't even last in there for 10 minutes straight but today the 30 minutes flew by. 
And once I'm done they give me a smoothie which varies from fat burner to an energiising concoction; think I've tried three types already. All yummy.
So far it's been 2 weeks and I'm glad I didn't wait any longer to get fit. Still a long way to go but soon I'll go for the one hour training. 
Woohoo! Watch me get fit:) 

Friday, March 25, 2016

Now is the time to do all the things you always wanted to do

I love learning new stuff. And I always loved painting whether it was on Tshirts or glasses. I just feel so happy and relaxed when I have an outlet for my creativity.

I love doodling flowers and so when I learnt there was a class concentrating on flowers I had to sign up for it. It was great learning new colouring techniques and also to meet and mingle with people who shared the same interest. 

I never tire of learning new stuff. Doesn't matter what I'm always reading up and signing up for online courses. 

If you always wanted to learn something new or to refresh what you already know, just go do it. Stop putting it off. 

My Saturday afternoon was well spent when I look at my first attempt at water colour painting and the pretty flowers I painted. 😝

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

So you're looking for the perfect partner?

We are so busy looking for the perfect partner, well at least perfect according to our perception of a partner that can complement us in all areas of life, we forget that we need to ensure that we ourselves are pretty awesome to start with.

I spoke to an old friend yesterday and he said that he was in search of the perfect partner for himself. But first he was gonna work on himself so that when he met her he would already be 'ready' to invest in a relationship.  That makes sense; if you want something good then you better have something good to offer too and be ready for a relationship. 

All my life I never really prepared myself consciously before I got ready to be in a relationship. It just happened. When you fall in love, you simply fall. Just went with the flow, stupidly in love. That's the Aquarian in me, when we fall we fall hard. Maybe I didn't even give myself time to be alone and to reflect on my own weaknesses and what I really wanted and what needed to be worked on or healed. 

That figures as to why perhaps I didn't know when I met someone who were pretty much my soul mate but I was naive and screwed up. Looking back I had a couple of very good relationships (of course along with the horrible ones I wrote about before)  -- perhaps those would have worked out if I went prepared to be in a relationship. 

Now, even while being in a relationship, I'm working on myself more. Some habits and ways are not easy to change especially at my age, so I do feel like a bipolar on most days.

Note to self: look within, work within before you look outside for love or expect your partner to be perfect for you. ❤️

Sunday, March 20, 2016

When someone dies suddenly

I write this with a heavy heart. I seldom regret things that I have done or haven't but this one is an exception. I wish I had made time for Kenny.

Kenny and I were friends since high school, and somehow we lost touch with one another over the years and reconnected via Fb last year. 

We quickly picked up on our friendship and had planned to meet up for coffee, but somehow with my treatments and busy travel schedule we never got to meet up.

In fact, he wished me on my birthday on February 18, and had asked to meet up again. But I never did make that happen.

Last nite while I was on Fb I found out from a mutual friend that Kenny had passed away after playing football. He was a fit guy and I used to tease him about it. He went for cycling competitions and he loved football, and planned to take up swimming so he could train in triathlons -- I found that out through one of his best friends, Jahabar.

When Kenny found out that I had breast cancer and was undergoing treatments he was very concerned and prayed for me. 

With cancer or other illnesses, you give others the chance to prepare themselves mentally that you may die from that illness. But with a sudden death such as a heart attack, you go into shock. Especially since he was health conscious and is easily one of the fittest guys I know. My heart is broken.

He was a good, decent and caring guy, with an infectious smile; he was so full of life. Sometimes I just can't understand why things happen as they do. 

Till we meet again Kenny for that coffee.
Rest in peace. ❤️

Thursday, March 17, 2016

Is he bad for you?

I've had my share of choosing bad men over the good ones. You know the ones that stray whenever your back is turned, the party guys, the liars, the ones that never quite grew up and the ones that are just irresponsible.

But somehow these are the ones I'm drawn too as they live life recklessly, which can be exciting and exhilarating in a world when most things are so mundane. 

But after the initial thrill is gone, you then see these bad guys for what they really are. If you met him when both of you were out partying and having a good time, the party boy might still want to continue partying while you may have had enough of it. How many times a week can you wake up with a bad hangover? 

Your goals in life change over time and as we get older we tend to find other ways to find joy and happiness. 

I've been with guys who are players. 
He can love you and be nice to you, showering you with gifts and awesome holidays; and make you feel you are the most beautiful and important person in his life yet when he is away from you for long periods of time, he can and will be unfaithful to you. 

It's horrible to have to constantly check on your partner to know if he is cheating. Stalking his Facebook, LinkedIn and Instagram accounts can be so tiring and stressful. Sometimes I think I may have been a sucker for punishment allowing myself to go through all this shit for a guy.

Was it even love or just my bruised ego, and thinking that I could repair a guy or make him change if he loves me. It's such a waste of time, I realize now.

I wasted all that time and suffered in silence, hurt by the betrayal and forever forgiving and only to have the same thing repeated.

Lies. Betrayal. They hurt. They change you. And most times these guys don't even know or care that they are hurting you.

For the longest time, I thought that if I was better at this and that, then these scumbags will change. But now I know the problems were in them. They had unresolved issues and they did things that made them feel happy, loved, or whatever -- whether it was me or another girl as their partner, they would do the same.

It took me so long to figure this out and to let go of these toxic emotions. 

Will a player ever change? Will a liar ever stop lying? Will it even matter anymore?





Monday, March 14, 2016

Do we ever learn from over mistakes?

First we need to acknowledge that we fucked up, and made a mistake.  Depending on how bad it was, over time we eventually let it sink in and move on.

But when another similar situation arises, do we refrain ourselves from making the same mistake, or do we tend to fall in the same trap?

Doing the same mistake twice is no longer considered a mistake but in fact a habit.

I think sometimes I know what I'm doing is wrong but don't have the willpower to refrain from doing it. It can be such a vicious cycle. You promise to not do something then next minute you are doing the bad stuff again.

I know I shouldn't eat after 8 pm as I feel bloated and find it hard to sleep, but I still do it and end up having a restless night. 

Alcohol is not exactly a great choice after chemotherapy and cancer but I can't seem to refrain from it. 

Being judgemental of another person when you do not know the other person is a terrible thing to do but I can't help myself from being unkind. And I keep making the mistake of doing what I say I wouldn't.

I think we will continue to make mistakes till we find the courage within to stop doing so because our actions do cause harm to ourselves and hurt others. We need to realize that on our own instead of being told or forced to stop. 

And sometimes I'm just a jerk and need to behave myself, and do what I say I'll do and mean it too.

❤️











Sunday, March 13, 2016

It's a woman thing

It's funny how women, doesn't matter what their backgrounds are, are usually jealous or envious of their partners' exs'. They will say something about their looks or background, or whatever, and usually not in a good light. 

Men don't seem to do the same. 

I've shown my partner photos of my past boyfriends and he has never said, "Oh he's not very good looking, or, "Shit he was a fatty ya?" Nothing of that sort, just silence. 

But women, and now I speak for myself, I always say something mean, unless the ex was good looking which I then just remain silent, if not I'll give my two cents worth, such as:
"Oh she had bunny teeth", or "Oh gosh she looks older than her age". I always zoom in on the physical traits and never really going  beyond -- perhaps she had a good heart or personality, and so that's what he saw in her. 

And that's not nice of me but I can't help myself.  And I blame it on, it being a woman thing, to judge another woman and simply not like her coz my partner used to date and be in love with her. 

But I wanna try and be nice. I sure as hell wouldn't want another woman to say the same about me, which they have in the past. One said I wasn't pretty but just had a nice body. Actually my husband's ex wife said that about me. I liked how she said one bad stuff then added a good stuff. Anyways.

I wanna stop bad mouthing other women, so from this day forward, I'm not gonna say, "oh dear, you did that thing?" 

I'm just gonna bite my tongue and remain silent. 




Friday, March 11, 2016

Happiness is ...

Knowing that I'm not gonna die today, and not for a bit yet.

My breast doctor told me I was doing well and I only had to return for a full medical test in July. Which means I'm gonna be enjoying the next 4 months. I was really relieved and happy to get the news especially after the  passing of my friend yesterday. 

I was worried about my bone ache, and doc told me it was part of the side effects of Tamoxifen and the start of my menopause. Damn I sound ancient.

Anyways I'm  just happy that it's not the cancer roaming around in my body. 

Doc told me to go to the gym and carry weights, which isn't what I love doing but gotta do anyway.

So I'm gonna start exercising and getting fit. I hope to do what I say, coz I've no idea why I keep putting off the fact that I need to do some sort of activity. Can't even use the excuse that I'm doing chemo or herceptin. 

Let's see:

What I love doing:
Dancing
Swimming 
Shopping - this is exercising to me 
Getting frisky 
Outdoor shit 
Yoga 
Pilates
Hula hooping 

What I will learn to love eventually:
Gym and the smell of stale sweat 

Oh well. 
This is me when I was doing a bit of exercise. Walking around the block at my apartment. 
Soon, 6 pecs and some muscles:)












Thursday, March 10, 2016

R.I.P pink sister Lei.

Everytime I receive news that a pink sister has passed on, I feel sad, crappy and scared. Just a few hours ago I received news that one of these cancer warriors had passed on from breast cancer. 

Floralei and I became friends thru Instagram; I really don't know how but we seemed to be in a support network of women who was undergoing breast cancer or who had breast cancer. 

It's strange how Instagram can unite breast cancer survivors and warriors from all around the world. 

When I was going through chemo in 2014 and 2015, I wrote to Lei as she too was going thru treatments. She was living in USA.
 
She told me her cancer which was treated in 2012 had metastasized to her bones, liver and brain, and that she needed to go for chemo for the rest of her life.

Even at that time, going through what must be a very trying and scary time in her life, she wrote to me and encouraged me to live life fully and to have fun. She told me she hoped to get better soon so she could travel and enjoy life. 

I'm glad that she had a great family; wonderful children and husband who meant the world to her and that she left this physical world peacefully. 

Travel freely wherever you are Lei.  ❤️❤️❤️

Wednesday, March 09, 2016

Can women have it all? (1/30 of the 30-day daily blog entry)


Yesterday was International Women's Day, and I was bombarded with lots of articles on women, especially those who have successfully made it in their careers yet still being able to juggle raising  families and having time for their husbands.

That of course got me thinking and reminiscing those days when I was that woman.

A year after I got married, we decided to have a child. I was then running my own aromatherapy centre, a small place which had a good clientele because the treatments were personalised. I carried them out myself with the help of another friend who was also a certified aromatherapist.

I continued working right until my tummy was so huge that it hit the side of the bed when I was carrying out treatments, and my clients used to giggle and asked me if I was fine. I loved my business and was passionate about my job so much so that most of the clients eventually became my friends, some until today. So being pregnant and working right till full term was my choice.

My home was an hour from my workplace which now I think was plain madness. It took two hours daily to commute but that didn't stop me from looking forward to go to work. From working for an international advertising agency to switching mode and running my own business gave me such an adrenaline rush that nothing ever stopped me from my work.

While pregnant I noticed that there was a shortage of funky fashion for pregnant women. I started designing maternity wear and began my foray into the fashion line with my label Funky Mama Maternity. I created colourful, shapely outfits that made pregnant woman look great. Never like a tent.

I was a happy camper; having not one but two businesses, a supportive husband and family, and ready to be a mom. Life was great. I was featured in a few women's magazines, always highlighting me as a role model -- successful in juggling and managing my home and career. I felt like a superwoman.  I tried my best to live up to it.

My gorgeous daughter, Megan Summer was born in 2003, and like all first-time parents we showered all our attention on her. She was the first born grandchild on my husband's side, and the fifth on my side. My mom stayed with us on weekdays and helped us to look after her while I was at work. I went back to work after one month confinement, and suffered a mild case of post-natal blues.

I felt overwhelmed with being a mom, and leaving my baby at home while I went to work. Though I loved my job, I just felt guilty when I was working. And when I was home, I felt happy but I also knew I couldn't do it daily and neglect my business coz I really wanted to work too.

My husband left it to me to decide if I had wanted to stop working and be a full-time housewife. He would support whatever decision I made; both of us had stay-at-home moms. We knew that made a difference to how our girl will be brought up. My mom was against me giving up my business because she believed that a woman should be financially-independent. She didn't want me to follow in her footsteps. We know that one of the reasons couples fight, and marriages break down is due to money. Usually the lack of it.

So I gave up my aromatherapy business and concentrated on Funky Mama Maternity. I was excited about it plus my work hours were flexible. Being an entrepreneur in a new business wasn't easy. I had to learn everything about fashion manufacturing and retailing. And it also being a one woman business set-up, I soon became overworked. Business was growing and in 2004, I opened my first retail outlet in Hartamas.

I juggled the best I could between growing my business, looking after my daughter and having a good relationship with my hubby. The priority was always my family, and I was lucky to have a good family support to fill in my role when I was working. That meant I couldn't help but miss some of the milestones Megan achieved growing up; her first step, her first words, etc. I also missed out on weekend outings as a family as I had to work, so my husband and Megan came to work with me in the shop and spent their weekends in the mall.

The long retail hours, though I had hired another salesgirl to help with boutique, soon had taken its  toll on me. I felt knackered when I was home after the shop closed at 10pm. My husband would be asleep when I got home, and as the months rolled on to years our relationship was affected.

Just 5 years after the shop was set up, we divorced. I just couldn't be 100 percent available in all the areas that mattered in my life. I felt I even neglected myself.

Do I blame myself? No. I did the best I could, but at that time I had placed so much pressure on myself and I just cracked under it all. And wanted to be free. Maybe amidst all the hectic schedules, and being there for everyone, I lost myself. Maybe if I just wasn't pushing myself so hard, and being a bit easy on myself, maybe things would have turned out differently. Maybe.

So to all women out there who is managing it well, I salute you. And for those who aren't, my advice is not to be so hard on yourself. Try to have time for yourself, to regroup your thoughts, and to focus on your happiness! And if you need help, ask.  




Tuesday, March 08, 2016

The 30-day blog entry challenge

I love writing, so it doesn't make sense that I choose to write less and less even though I have more to say and share. 

I've travelled 3 times this year, to Perth, Bangkok, Athens and Santorini, and would like to share some stuff that I've encountered in these wonderful places.

In the pipeline, is a few writing projects that I've been stalling for the longest time. It's now or never. 

I've read countless times before that you just have to start, don't wait for the perfect moment or the perfect words, just start. 

So to get me in the mode of moving my ass and stop procrastinating, I've decided to challenge my dreamy self to write a blog entry on a daily basis for 30 days. Yeah daily for a month!

Today is the first day, and I already have a bunch of topics that I want to write and share here. So yes, I'm excited about it, and will make time from my non-existent career or social life to sit and pen my thoughts. 

Follow me on this 30 days journey; I will write freely on things on my mind, from my past and stuff I encounter daily that got me thinking ... when you think, you react, you change and let's hope it's for the better!