Post-chemo thoughts

I haven't been posting anything for a bit now.  It's not that I haven't had anything to say but I was simply too busy to really have the time to sit down and pen my thoughts. Plus I've been lazy. I have much to say when I'm down in the doldrums or deliriously happy instead of in a plain normal mode.

I've been travelling a lot these past 2 months -- to Europe and the States but that deserves another post with pictures, of course. * Hint, I visited Niagara Falls coz it was on my bucket list.

Post-chemo time is great in so many ways. You suddenly feel free to jump back into the pace of  your daily life, instead of feeling and looking sick, then counting the days before you feel better and ready for your next chemo.  Well, I still have to continue my Herceptin treatments every 3 weeks but there is no side effects from it. So basically apart from getting healthy again, I have nothing much to stress over. Just eat healthy, exercise and do nothing that annoys me. 

If only it was that simple. 

I'm lucky that I can take my time to get back to the daily routine of life. You can never jump back in to daily routine, more of easing your way in. And things do seem the same, yet different. Every morning instead of drinking coffee first I now make my own vegetable juice and have it instead.

When it comes to work, well, I'm working freelance and that means I get to choose which projects I want to work on. I also have my handbag business to concentrate on but it's nothing too major that will stress me out. That's good as we all  know that stress is not good for cancer.

I'm so happy that I have the freedom to do as I please as I'm still having a delayed reaction to having cancer. It's been nearly a year that I had been admitted to the hospital and had undergone the whole range of treatments. My mind can't seem to focus on anything else. All I think is how do I build my immune system, what type of exercises should I do, what kind of juice and diet do I need and if I could ever afford organice vegetables and fruits to help me lead a healhty life?

My biggest fear is wondering if all the treatments that I have endured had successfully killed all my active cancer cells? Am I in remission? I will only know this when I do my check-up in early July, a month from now. 

There will always be this fear in me because like I've said before, I can do my part to fight the cancer but the rest is out of my hands. I have the best medical treatments, fab doctors and great support system (except for a few bad apples), and yet I really can't be sure that I will be around for the next 5 or 10 years to see my daughter graduate? And that's a gloomy outlook even for someone who has until now had a positive attitude in dealing with my cancer.

It will always be on my mind, once you have cancer it stays with you just like herpes. Only thing is that herpes doesn't kill you. I have had nights where I have woken up panicking thinking that the cancer is back and I'm gonna die. I even have to tell myself that death aint that bad, so calm down and breathe. I just hate to live in fear. The unknown. 

My friends tell me that they admire my strength in undergoing what I have but some days I feel weak. I'm so tired. Tired of the battle. Tired of being strong. Tired of the whole cancer stuff.   

Travelling helps me forget what I'm going through and to just enjoy new places and new experiences, but it is always at the back of my mind.

No matter how postive I am on my good days, thoughts of cancer returning never really leave my mind. Today, I wish I never had cancer! It has scarred me -- mentally, physically, emotionally.

What cancer has taught me (Part 2)

I've always been impatient be it waiting in line at the post-office or waiting to see a doctor. However after being in and out of hospital over the span of more than six months, I have learnt to be patient. Because no matter who you are, when you are undergoing chemo, you have to go through so many procedures prior to getting the go ahead from your oncologist to do your treatment on chemo day.

You will deal with so many people from the nurse taking your blood sample to the receptionist handling your insurance details, and you need patience to get you through it all. Each treatment day can drag on to up to 6 hours from the moment you step into the chemo ward till the time you walk out of the hospital.

I usually prefer to go alone as I don't relish the idea of another person waiting that long with me. Of course, my sweet hubby insists on accompanying me whenever he is in town.

I also realized that I'm more patient when I'm stuck in a traffic jam or if another driver is annoying the hell out of me. I simply ignore it all, and turn up the music in the car and move like a crazy driver. Music can certainly change your mood for the better.

Cancer has certainly thought me to forget my vanity. There is no room for that.

My skin changed, albeit temporary, to a dullish grey tone from all the medication that I'm taking. I've gone bald. My nails have discoloured. My boobs that I was quite proud of as I could go braless anytime, have changed due to my lumpectomy. In spite of these physical changes, I have just accepted them and done all I can to make myself feel and look nice.

I bought wigs, scarves, hats and caps, wore makeup and simply dressed-up to face each day. It wasn't easy at first but going through what I have, these are so small issues to deal with.

I was so afraid that my hubby would not find me attactive and desirable anymore. But I was wrong, he stood by me through it all, in fact he teased me about my baldness and sent me picture messages of E.T and Gollum and said I looked like them. Laughter and humour kept things going between us.
Also the nature of his job was a blessing as he didn't get to see me when I was in the doldrums.

There were days that I felt and asked myself 'why me' -- when I'm the kind of person who is drawn to physical beauty. Why had I to get cancer? And now more than before I know that people are more than that.

You can be loved for what's inside of you coz beauty fades over time but kindness, generosity, empathy, honesty, integrity, warmth and sincerity are what matter in a person. Every one is beautiful in their own way but true beauty emanates from within. When you are beautiful inside you shine on the outside.

http://youtu.be/eAfyFTzZDMM

Reality Check

Enjoying the last few good days left before I start on chemo number 5 on Tuesday, 28 Oct. It is the first one of 12 cycles (times) on the second phase of my chemo treatments.

Hope it goes well with my body with minimal side effects. Since I need to do it weekly for 3 bloody months, I need all the strength -- mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally. Would appreciate no drama during this time. I seem to be absorbing lots of negativity from the actions of other people. And seriously I could do with none of it. 

I'm the sort of person that loves to delve into things, probe into details, and in the end it affects me so badly. Sometimes people do not know that their actions affect me so much. I'm trying to not allow anything to affect me but it is a work in progress.

I have been praying on and off. I do believe that prayers from all my family members and friends are helping me tremendously. I thank everyone of you. I believe the prayers are helping me as I'm coping well with the side effects of chemo. 

Bald, blackish nail beds, dry skin and weird taste buds are nothing compared to what others are going through. I'm ever so grateful chemo has been kind to me so far.

Of course, some days I feel low as I hate to rely on others to help me. I hate feeling tired. I hate being a party pooper. I'm having cancer and I don't expect my hubs, Megan or my family to just focus on me, they have their lives.

Most battles you fight, you fight on your own anyway. Just as, if you die, people think about you less and less as the days go by.

Life just continues.

Thinking of death finally. It's time for me to research on the stats of how great are my chances of remission, etc for the kind of bitch of a cancer that I have. I can't put it off any longer.

It is only when faced with death that one comes alive.

.

Braving it for Chemotherapy

I've had 3 cyles of chemotherapy, each 3 weeks apart from the other. My next one is on Wednesday, 8th October.

I was really scared and didnt know what to expect for the first one. I read about how other patients reacted to them, (must remember everyone reacts to it differently) and I also asked my oncologist a whole load of questions prior to the treatment. He was very patient and his answers left me feeling confident that I would be fine.

My husband accompanied me for my first 2 cycles. I brought along my prayer book, some books to read, head-phones, ipad, some mints and a bottle of water. I decided to go alone for the third one, however, I got my friend to pick me up from the hospital after my treatment was over.

The whole process from getting your blood taken for a test, seeing your doctor and finally getting the go ahead to do your treatment takes around 3 to 4 hours. So it's fun to have someone to chat with for a bit, music to calm your nerves and some reading if you are up to it.

Chemo cocktail of AC drugs

My daughter made me this to remember that this is a healing journey for me; to get rid of all

the cancer cells, if any is still lurking around somewhere in my body.

The nurses at the chemotherapy daycare centre are all super good and friendly, and that makes things a whole lot easier for you. Especially when you're scared and need some reassurance that everything is gonna be alright.

I've always been scared of needles. Having a chemo port makes the process less painful.

All smiles just as the nurse is about to start the process.

Once the chemo drugs have been administered, they put you on drips for another 45 minutes. Then you're good to go.

Phew, the feeling when it's over and you just wanna go home and rest.

It takes about 4 hours when I start to feel all weird and nauseous, and it lasts between 4 to 7 days. After that I'm back to normal. I can eat, do my morning walks, cook, even go out for some shopping.