Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Feeling blue this Christmas





It's supposed to be a happy time. But I can't stop thinking of my mom; she used to loved Christmas, especially decorating the Christmas tree. In honour of her, I asked my daughter to help me put up our tree early. We had it up by 2nd December. I wanted it to be all adorned with silver decorations.

It's sad coz I really miss her. We could never always see things in the same way but as time goes by I see so much of her in me. She always had so many stories to tell and there was never a dull moment with her around. I still can't quite deal with it really. She has left a void in all of our hearts.

I'm also feeling blue coz my husband won't be seeing us during the whole of December due to his flight schedules. He is super busy flying across the globe, and he seems to be having a good life. Nothing has changed for him except that I have cancer and stuck at home, very far away from him.

So it sucks big time. That would be like 50 days not seeing each other, the longest we have ever been apart from one another. So not only is my cancer a test for both of us but his job is also another test as we have to live apart from one another. What would we do without ft, viber and watsapp?

It doesn't help when I'm also feeling like I'm on an emotional roller coaster due to me having to handle my chemo treatment without him physically being around to support me. This is when I really hate marrying a pilot coz he is never around when I need him. It feels like you have a part time husband. I've no idea how other pilots' wives handle it.

It's gonna be a quiet Christmas too coz my elder brother and his family, and my eldest sister will be away. That leaves only my other sister and her family, and my dad to celebrate with us.

Every Christmas song that I listen to just makes me all teary eyed.  That's the way it is for now. I guess I have to make the best of this Christmas with those who are with me. And that is so much already compared to those who would be spending it alone. (note to self: must always be grateful)

Merry Christmas folks!!!!

My mom loves flowers

Love butterflies




Got this thing about birds too, love them



Friday, December 12, 2014

Are you a priority or just an option?

 
It has been bugging me for a while now. You have some people in your life that you drop everything for to attend to their needs. For me it's my daughter, my hubby, members of my immediate family and close friends.

Sometimes I even give more priority to a few in my priority list itself. So it kinda hurt me to find out that sometimes these people do not reciprocrate and make you a priority in their lives too.

Sadly, I found this out recently. I would think that since the other party, the attention was focused on, was in the pink of health, therefore my needs would come first. After all I am undergoing chemo and I do feel like an emotional roller-coaster at most times, and I thought this person that I give my attention to all the time, would at least be there for me if not physically, then emotionally.

I was let down. I lost to rounds of booze and merriment among siblings and friends. That hurt a lot.

But in any situation there is a lesson to be learnt.
1. I shouldn't place too much hope on another human being. They are imperfect and sometimes act like an asshole because they lack empathy, and so many of the genes that make a person caring, honest, generous, kind and loving.
2.  Nobody is perfect, not even me, so I should stop judging.
3. Maybe it's time to focus my attention on people that I  never made a priority. Who knows, but my options could be better than my priority.
4. I gotta be selfish at times and make myself a priority.
5. I should stop giving these horrible people my space of thought, drop them from my priority list if they continue to disappoint me.

Enough said, enough ranting from someone who really needs to chill.












Wednesday, December 03, 2014

"Are you keeping some anger inside you?"

There is no doctor out there or any studies that can actually tell you why you have cancer. There are many possible reasons but no difinite ones.

I know mine has a lot to do with stress and keeping lots of surpressed emotions within. Though I tell myself that I can't change someone or a situation, and therefore should let things that are not within my control to just unfold by itself, I don't seem to be able to let go.

How does one let go? It's not that I'm a person who loves to be in charge or take control. As far as I know I've always been a follower, seldom a leader.

Just a couple of weeks ago, while waiting to see my ocologist, I met an elderly lady and her husband. We were both reading some article on the pin-up board at the chemotherapy clinic and somehow started a conversation. Her husband had cancer and had just completed his chemo treatments. He was there for a follow-up check-up.

While discussing about possible causes of cancer, she suddenly asked me if I was keeping some anger or grudge against a male or a female? According to her, depending on which side of the breast I had cancer, it could refer to a woman or a man.

I thought that was interesting, as I've read before that cancer sometimes manifests itself  when someone has much emotional baggage surpressed and stored within them.

Most illnesses are due partly coz of emotions, negative emotions, that find its way, bit by bit gnawing away inside a physical body. And one fine day, ta dah, you have cancer. Your whole world crumbles. You do all you can to be able to live.

But not before you ask God why? Why me? It's not that I don't have loads on my plate, why give me a buffet to deal with?

Amidst all the crazy emotions that run the gamut from denial, anger, fear to determination, I took a good look at my life. Having cancer made me do a stock-take of my life.

What kind of life had I led? What kind of person was I? Was I a good daughter, wife, mother, sister, friend?

What was my passion in life? I read somewhere, (yes, I've been reading a lot since my cancer diagnosis), that a person should have a passion in life and a goal so that gives her hope and courage to fight the cancer battle and win coz of the great desire to achieve this goal and live her passion.
It's the burning fuel that cures cancer coz of the desire to want to live.

I don't know of anyone who wants to die. Even people who commit suicide ... do they really wanna die if they had a choice?

We also never really give up on our dreams though we may put it on a side-burner, putting everyone's needs above ours, thinking we still have time.

But when you have cancer, time is not something you are sure of. You wanna live for now, do all the 1000 things on your bucket list in one month, if that is even possible, coz suddenly you realize time may be running out. (I love this song by Muse) You start thinking of yourself.


Ok that sounds a bit morbid, but as I try to be very positive and wanna be a survivor, and one day look back at this period of my life as a dark period but also a period where I learnt to value my life and the people around me, not to take things for granted and to simply be a better person, I do know that I play a small role in this. It is up to God.