Can women have it all? (1/30 of the 30-day daily blog entry)

Yesterday was International Women's Day, and I was bombarded with lots of articles on women, especially those who have successfully made it in their careers yet still being able to juggle raising  families and having time for their husbands.

That of course got me thinking and reminiscing those days when I was that woman.

A year after I got married, we decided to have a child. I was then running my own aromatherapy centre, a small place which had a good clientele because the treatments were personalised. I carried them out myself with the help of another friend who was also a certified aromatherapist.

I continued working right until my tummy was so huge that it hit the side of the bed when I was carrying out treatments, and my clients used to giggle and asked me if I was fine. I loved my business and was passionate about my job so much so that most of the clients eventually became my friends, some until today. So being pregnant and working right till full term was my choice.

My home was an hour from my workplace which now I think was plain madness. It took two hours daily to commute but that didn't stop me from looking forward to go to work. From working for an international advertising agency to switching mode and running my own business gave me such an adrenaline rush that nothing ever stopped me from my work.

While pregnant I noticed that there was a shortage of funky fashion for pregnant women. I started designing maternity wear and began my foray into the fashion line with my label Funky Mama Maternity. I created colourful, shapely outfits that made pregnant woman look great. Never like a tent.

I was a happy camper; having not one but two businesses, a supportive husband and family, and ready to be a mom. Life was great. I was featured in a few women's magazines, always highlighting me as a role model -- successful in juggling and managing my home and career. I felt like a superwoman.  I tried my best to live up to it.

My gorgeous daughter, Megan Summer was born in 2003, and like all first-time parents we showered all our attention on her. She was the first born grandchild on my husband's side, and the fifth on my side. My mom stayed with us on weekdays and helped us to look after her while I was at work. I went back to work after one month confinement, and suffered a mild case of post-natal blues.

I felt overwhelmed with being a mom, and leaving my baby at home while I went to work. Though I loved my job, I just felt guilty when I was working. And when I was home, I felt happy but I also knew I couldn't do it daily and neglect my business coz I really wanted to work too.

My husband left it to me to decide if I had wanted to stop working and be a full-time housewife. He would support whatever decision I made; both of us had stay-at-home moms. We knew that made a difference to how our girl will be brought up. My mom was against me giving up my business because she believed that a woman should be financially-independent. She didn't want me to follow in her footsteps. We know that one of the reasons couples fight, and marriages break down is due to money. Usually the lack of it.

So I gave up my aromatherapy business and concentrated on Funky Mama Maternity. I was excited about it plus my work hours were flexible. Being an entrepreneur in a new business wasn't easy. I had to learn everything about fashion manufacturing and retailing. And it also being a one woman business set-up, I soon became overworked. Business was growing and in 2004, I opened my first retail outlet in Hartamas.

I juggled the best I could between growing my business, looking after my daughter and having a good relationship with my hubby. The priority was always my family, and I was lucky to have a good family support to fill in my role when I was working. That meant I couldn't help but miss some of the milestones Megan achieved growing up; her first step, her first words, etc. I also missed out on weekend outings as a family as I had to work, so my husband and Megan came to work with me in the shop and spent their weekends in the mall.

The long retail hours, though I had hired another salesgirl to help with boutique, soon had taken its  toll on me. I felt knackered when I was home after the shop closed at 10pm. My husband would be asleep when I got home, and as the months rolled on to years our relationship was affected.

Just 5 years after the shop was set up, we divorced. I just couldn't be 100 percent available in all the areas that mattered in my life. I felt I even neglected myself.

Do I blame myself? No. I did the best I could, but at that time I had placed so much pressure on myself and I just cracked under it all. And wanted to be free. Maybe amidst all the hectic schedules, and being there for everyone, I lost myself. Maybe if I just wasn't pushing myself so hard, and being a bit easy on myself, maybe things would have turned out differently. Maybe.

So to all women out there who is managing it well, I salute you. And for those who aren't, my advice is not to be so hard on yourself. Try to have time for yourself, to regroup your thoughts, and to focus on your happiness! And if you need help, ask.  

What cancer has taught me (Part 2)

I've always been impatient be it waiting in line at the post-office or waiting to see a doctor. However after being in and out of hospital over the span of more than six months, I have learnt to be patient. Because no matter who you are, when you are undergoing chemo, you have to go through so many procedures prior to getting the go ahead from your oncologist to do your treatment on chemo day.

You will deal with so many people from the nurse taking your blood sample to the receptionist handling your insurance details, and you need patience to get you through it all. Each treatment day can drag on to up to 6 hours from the moment you step into the chemo ward till the time you walk out of the hospital.

I usually prefer to go alone as I don't relish the idea of another person waiting that long with me. Of course, my sweet hubby insists on accompanying me whenever he is in town.

I also realized that I'm more patient when I'm stuck in a traffic jam or if another driver is annoying the hell out of me. I simply ignore it all, and turn up the music in the car and move like a crazy driver. Music can certainly change your mood for the better.

Cancer has certainly thought me to forget my vanity. There is no room for that.

My skin changed, albeit temporary, to a dullish grey tone from all the medication that I'm taking. I've gone bald. My nails have discoloured. My boobs that I was quite proud of as I could go braless anytime, have changed due to my lumpectomy. In spite of these physical changes, I have just accepted them and done all I can to make myself feel and look nice.

I bought wigs, scarves, hats and caps, wore makeup and simply dressed-up to face each day. It wasn't easy at first but going through what I have, these are so small issues to deal with.

I was so afraid that my hubby would not find me attactive and desirable anymore. But I was wrong, he stood by me through it all, in fact he teased me about my baldness and sent me picture messages of E.T and Gollum and said I looked like them. Laughter and humour kept things going between us.
Also the nature of his job was a blessing as he didn't get to see me when I was in the doldrums.

There were days that I felt and asked myself 'why me' -- when I'm the kind of person who is drawn to physical beauty. Why had I to get cancer? And now more than before I know that people are more than that.

You can be loved for what's inside of you coz beauty fades over time but kindness, generosity, empathy, honesty, integrity, warmth and sincerity are what matter in a person. Every one is beautiful in their own way but true beauty emanates from within. When you are beautiful inside you shine on the outside.

http://youtu.be/eAfyFTzZDMM

What cancer has taught me (Part 1)

I've read somewhere that God doesn't put you in situations which he thinks you can't handle. So my guess is he thinks I can handle cancer and whatever effects it has on me and the people I care about.
You see when you have cancer it is not just you dealing with it. It affects your spouse, kids, parents and siblings and your close friends.........even your Instagram and facebook friends.

Some of these people stay by your side, and some just get lost. Cancer has taught me who my real friends are. Also how people cope when you are ill. Some things they do disappoint you, some makes you cry and some just don't matter.

You learn along your journey that no matter what, you have your family to care for you. Family is important; so do your best to make time for them and their needs too. I guess I learnt to not just think that the world revolves around me, and to listen to other people's issues and how I could offer my two cents worth.

These past few months I have learnt to trust my instincts and to block off things that were stressing me. I truly believe that what you don't know doesn't hurt you. So I have stopped wasting my time finding fault or should I say looking for fault. Being ill just opens up your eyes that so many of these issues are not important anymore.

I learnt to shut one eye, and in doing that to find peace and joy that I have seldom experienced in the past. I always felt I was at sea on a stormy day and I had to do all I could to battle the weather just to stay alive. I was always alone. Now all I visualize is blue skies, calm azure crystal clear water and me floating at sea without any worry or fear. Just bliss.

I've been in so many different careers in my lifetime from being a PR consultant, writer for a magazine, copywriter in an ad agency, aromatherapist, maternity fashion designer to a boutique owner, and cancer has taught me to look back and reassess what form of occupation actually satisfied my soul. The kind that brings out the passion in you so much so that working is pleasurable and not considered working at all. To quote Confucius, "choose a job you love and you will never have to work a day in your life." Making money while you do so is a bonus.

I found that my love for fashion exceeded everything else. I love beautiful bags, shoes, accessories and other stuff that a fashionable woman would want in her life. To some this is so superficial, but that's me. In fact, having cancer and being confined to your home can make so many people depress. But I turned to fashion and beautiful things to fill my days with sunshine. I spent my days reading about anything to do with fashion, mainly bags and shoes. And voila, I started a little business in trading with pre-loved and new bags. This has kept me going, and filled my mind and thoughts with fashion instead of worrying about cancer and my treatments. I have a few friends who share the same interest with me and we spend many hours discussing about bags, lol.

I love the hashtag #shallowlikethat when referring to this obsession about bags and shoes.

I'm looking forward to finish my treatments and get ready to conquer the world -- big shopping cities and to be the personal shopper for people who can't travel overseas and buy things for themselves.
It's my ultimate dream job!

To end the first part of this post, I would like to add something that I never quite knew about myself that is ............... I am strong. I've heard people tell me that but seriously aren't we all strong when faced with a matter of life and death, and when you don't have a choice in that matter but to fight with all your might. I saw that fighting spirit in my mom when she was battling cancer, and apparently I have that in me too. I bloody hell feel strong, and I'm battling cancer in my own way! Watch out cancer you messed with the wrong person!

Are you a priority or just an option?

 
It has been bugging me for a while now. You have some people in your life that you drop everything for to attend to their needs. For me it's my daughter, my hubby, members of my immediate family and close friends.

Sometimes I even give more priority to a few in my priority list itself. So it kinda hurt me to find out that sometimes these people do not reciprocrate and make you a priority in their lives too.

Sadly, I found this out recently. I would think that since the other party, the attention was focused on, was in the pink of health, therefore my needs would come first. After all I am undergoing chemo and I do feel like an emotional roller-coaster at most times, and I thought this person that I give my attention to all the time, would at least be there for me if not physically, then emotionally.

I was let down. I lost to rounds of booze and merriment among siblings and friends. That hurt a lot.

But in any situation there is a lesson to be learnt.
1. I shouldn't place too much hope on another human being. They are imperfect and sometimes act like an asshole because they lack empathy, and so many of the genes that make a person caring, honest, generous, kind and loving.
2.  Nobody is perfect, not even me, so I should stop judging.
3. Maybe it's time to focus my attention on people that I  never made a priority. Who knows, but my options could be better than my priority.
4. I gotta be selfish at times and make myself a priority.
5. I should stop giving these horrible people my space of thought, drop them from my priority list if they continue to disappoint me.

Enough said, enough ranting from someone who really needs to chill.

I'm afraid it's bad news, you have cancer

After the routine mammogram, I did the ultra-sound, both pretty uncomfortable when you have fibrocystic boobs. I noticed that the doctor kept going over the spot that I had found the lump. I don't like it when a doctor tells you that she isn't too happy with what she sees, however, to be very sure she needs me to get a biopsy done as soon as possible.

After the ultra-sound I went to see my breast surgeon. She looked at me and said the same thing she told my mom when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer 8 years ago. "I don't like what I see, you need to do a biopsy." Before that she also asked me why I had not come in last year for my check-up.

How could I tell her when I didn't know why I had not done my yearly check-up. My hubby kept reminding me to do so and I kept putting it off. And I guess that's why I'm in this situation, but I'm still lucky to have caught it at this stage.

My biopsy was scheduled the next day. It was painful, even though the doctor had injected me with pain killers. I have a low pain-threshold. I used whatever technique I knew, breathing technique and centering myself but I could still feel the discomfort when my flesh was being extracted from my dear boob.

I was in day-care so I could rest for a few hours in the hospital before I was allowed to go home.

I saw my breast doctor a few days later.  I just knew it wasn't good news.

As I went into her room with my 11-year-old daughter, my doctor looked at me and asked me if I had brought an adult family member. She asked if my sister was with me as my sister was also her patient. I told her no, and to just tell me my diagnosis. I was prepared for the news. Of course, nobody is prepared to hear, "you have cancer."

Since I 'll be be refering to my doctor a lot, I 'll use her name. Doctor Pat told me that I had invasive ductal carcinoma Stage 2B. She said they needed to remove the cancerous lump and also a few lymph nodes to see if they were carcinoma, and to do further tests.

My lumpectomy was done four days later, and they had found that one of my lymph nodes had cancerous cells in it. They removed the 2.1 cm lump and 13 lymph nodes. I stayed in the hospital for four days. I wasn't in pain or anything, just weak so I kept sleeping quite a bit. My sweet daughter kept me company and was actually my private little nurse.

When the results were out from the laboratory, about a week later,  my doctor informed me that I had Stage 2B estrogen progesterone postive and HERS 2 positive Grade 3 breast cancer.  Which meant that after chemotherapy and radiotherapy, I would be on hormone therapy for the next 5-10 years. Forced into an early menopause was not how I had planned my years ahead to be like. But I had to follow the medication if I was to be completely healed.

I'm really comfortable with my breast surgeon. She allowed me time to get over my shock of the news -- cry buckets, and was very caring. She felt that I needed to think it over with my husband and family, and to perhaps meet up with the oncologist that she had recommended just to see if I was comfortable with him.

My husband, daughter and I met up with the oncologist. He explained to us thoroughly the type of cancer I had and how the cells were dysfunctional, and also the kind of chemotherapy I would need.
I was to start with 4 rounds of 3-weekly AC drugs and 12 rounds of weekly Taxol drug. Then monthly, Herceptin drug, and Tamoxifen for 5 to 10 years.

I felt pretty comfortable with the doctor and he could answer most of my questions.  I was concerned about the side effects of the drugs and if I could cope well with it. Also, I needed to know the success rate for patients with my diagnosis. He seemed very positive. He said I was basically healthy and still young, and should do pretty well with the chemo course laid out for me.

We left the hospital feeling that at least I was going to get the best medical care to treat breast cancer. It's really important when you feel comfortable with your medical team and trust that you are in the best hands.

When you are facing cancer, good support from your family and friends matter. I'm lucky to have it all. Now everything lay in my hands; informed knowledge of my diagnosis, I can play an active role in my healing, and a correct mindset and attitude to battle cancer.

Ok who am I kidding? I was scared as hell, I kept thinking, WTF,  I had plans. I could now travel cheaply around the world, ( perks of being married to a pilot) , and here I was home-bound, gonna go bald and looking like I had escaped from prison, and God knows what kinda party the cancer cells are having in my body!

One crazy year has gone by

More than a year has passed by since I last wrote my true thoughts.

I left everything within me, carrying a huge baggage. And it's time to de-clutter and get rid of the excess.

Reading back my blog posts, I seemed to have changed too. Life has a way at catching you off-guard when you are having so much fun, and throwing you in the deep. Swim or drown, you decide.

But most importantly, you have survived.

My journey was unpleasant and challenging, but I've learnt so much about myself and other people. It's when you are in trouble that you know who your true friends are, and I must say it that you need your family.

You must appreciate your family, and your true friends, and let them know that too. Because let me tell you, when you are down, they are the ones always there for you. It can be time consuming and draining to be with someone who is going through a trauma in life. So, I'm grateful to my family and close friends.

I'm dealing with what has happened, a day at a time.

Most people deal with one trauma at a time. But me being me, when it rained, not only did it pour, it freaking flooded.

If I can go though such life-wrenching drama, anyone else can. Because guess what? We are so much stronger than we give ourselves credit for.

Love and peace xxx