Why I need a personal trainer

I've finally listened to my oncologist's advice and started exercising. I'm one person who gets bored going to the gym -- in the past I'll go faithfully for a few weeks then just drop out. Something about routine that I dislike. 

So this time I decided to get a personal trainer to push me into getting fit. I hope it will get me committed to my goal of getting fit. I've no choice but to do whatever he asks me to and I quite like it.

It's personalized and I can't hide or not do the exercises. I also know he has a plan for my workout and it varies as I get better and stronger. I'm actually feeling much better and fitter. 

The workout starts with a 30-minute training followed by 30 minutes of FIR which means I sit in a wooden cabin and pretty much sweat buckets. The first time I couldn't even last in there for 10 minutes straight but today the 30 minutes flew by. 

And once I'm done they give me a smoothie which varies from fat burner to an energiising concoction; think I've tried three types already. All yummy.

So far it's been 2 weeks and I'm glad I didn't wait any longer to get fit. Still a long way to go but soon I'll go for the one hour training. 

Woohoo! Watch me get fit:) 

Now is the time to do all the things you always wanted to do

I love learning new stuff. And I always loved painting whether it was on Tshirts or glasses. I just feel so happy and relaxed when I have an outlet for my creativity.

I love doodling flowers and so when I learnt there was a class concentrating on flowers I had to sign up for it. It was great learning new colouring techniques and also to meet and mingle with people who shared the same interest. 

I never tire of learning new stuff. Doesn't matter what I'm always reading up and signing up for online courses. 

If you always wanted to learn something new or to refresh what you already know, just go do it. Stop putting it off. 

My Saturday afternoon was well spent when I look at my first attempt at water colour painting and the pretty flowers I painted. 😝

So you're looking for the perfect partner?

We are so busy looking for the perfect partner, well at least perfect according to our perception of a partner that can complement us in all areas of life, we forget that we need to ensure that we ourselves are pretty awesome to start with.

I spoke to an old friend yesterday and he said that he was in search of the perfect partner for himself. But first he was gonna work on himself so that when he met her he would already be 'ready' to invest in a relationship.  That makes sense; if you want something good then you better have something good to offer too and be ready for a relationship. 

All my life I never really prepared myself consciously before I got ready to be in a relationship. It just happened. When you fall in love, you simply fall. Just went with the flow, stupidly in love. That's the Aquarian in me, when we fall we fall hard. Maybe I didn't even give myself time to be alone and to reflect on my own weaknesses and what I really wanted and what needed to be worked on or healed. 

That figures as to why perhaps I didn't know when I met someone who were pretty much my soul mate but I was naive and screwed up. Looking back I had a couple of very good relationships (of course along with the horrible ones I wrote about before)  -- perhaps those would have worked out if I went prepared to be in a relationship. 

Now, even while being in a relationship, I'm working on myself more. Some habits and ways are not easy to change especially at my age, so I do feel like a bipolar on most days.

Note to self: look within, work within before you look outside for love or expect your partner to be perfect for you. ❤️

When someone dies suddenly

I write this with a heavy heart. I seldom regret things that I have done or haven't but this one is an exception. I wish I had made time for Kenny.

Kenny and I were friends since high school, and somehow we lost touch with one another over the years and reconnected via Fb last year. 

We quickly picked up on our friendship and had planned to meet up for coffee, but somehow with my treatments and busy travel schedule we never got to meet up.

In fact, he wished me on my birthday on February 18, and had asked to meet up again. But I never did make that happen.

Last nite while I was on Fb I found out from a mutual friend that Kenny had passed away after playing football. He was a fit guy and I used to tease him about it. He went for cycling competitions and he loved football, and planned to take up swimming so he could train in triathlons -- I found that out through one of his best friends, Jahabar.

When Kenny found out that I had breast cancer and was undergoing treatments he was very concerned and prayed for me. 

With cancer or other illnesses, you give others the chance to prepare themselves mentally that you may die from that illness. But with a sudden death such as a heart attack, you go into shock. Especially since he was health conscious and is easily one of the fittest guys I know. My heart is broken.

He was a good, decent and caring guy, with an infectious smile; he was so full of life. Sometimes I just can't understand why things happen as they do. 

Till we meet again Kenny for that coffee.

Rest in peace. ❤️

Is he bad for you?

I've had my share of choosing bad men over the good ones. You know the ones that stray whenever your back is turned, the party guys, the liars, the ones that never quite grew up and the ones that are just irresponsible.

But somehow these are the ones I'm drawn too as they live life recklessly, which can be exciting and exhilarating in a world when most things are so mundane. 

But after the initial thrill is gone, you then see these bad guys for what they really are. If you met him when both of you were out partying and having a good time, the party boy might still want to continue partying while you may have had enough of it. How many times a week can you wake up with a bad hangover? 

Your goals in life change over time and as we get older we tend to find other ways to find joy and happiness. 

I've been with guys who are players. 

He can love you and be nice to you, showering you with gifts and awesome holidays; and make you feel you are the most beautiful and important person in his life yet when he is away from you for long periods of time, he can and will be unfaithful to you. 

It's horrible to have to constantly check on your partner to know if he is cheating. Stalking his Facebook, LinkedIn and Instagram accounts can be so tiring and stressful. Sometimes I think I may have been a sucker for punishment allowing myself to go through all this shit for a guy.

Was it even love or just my bruised ego, and thinking that I could repair a guy or make him change if he loves me. It's such a waste of time, I realize now.

I wasted all that time and suffered in silence, hurt by the betrayal and forever forgiving and only to have the same thing repeated.

Lies. Betrayal. They hurt. They change you. And most times these guys don't even know or care that they are hurting you.

For the longest time, I thought that if I was better at this and that, then these scumbags will change. But now I know the problems were in them. They had unresolved issues and they did things that made them feel happy, loved, or whatever -- whether it was me or another girl as their partner, they would do the same.

It took me so long to figure this out and to let go of these toxic emotions. 

Will a player ever change? Will a liar ever stop lying? Will it even matter anymore?

Do we ever learn from over mistakes?

First we need to acknowledge that we fucked up, and made a mistake.  Depending on how bad it was, over time we eventually let it sink in and move on.

But when another similar situation arises, do we refrain ourselves from making the same mistake, or do we tend to fall in the same trap?

Doing the same mistake twice is no longer considered a mistake but in fact a habit.

I think sometimes I know what I'm doing is wrong but don't have the willpower to refrain from doing it. It can be such a vicious cycle. You promise to not do something then next minute you are doing the bad stuff again.

I know I shouldn't eat after 8 pm as I feel bloated and find it hard to sleep, but I still do it and end up having a restless night. 

Alcohol is not exactly a great choice after chemotherapy and cancer but I can't seem to refrain from it. 

Being judgemental of another person when you do not know the other person is a terrible thing to do but I can't help myself from being unkind. And I keep making the mistake of doing what I say I wouldn't.

I think we will continue to make mistakes till we find the courage within to stop doing so because our actions do cause harm to ourselves and hurt others. We need to realize that on our own instead of being told or forced to stop. 

And sometimes I'm just a jerk and need to behave myself, and do what I say I'll do and mean it too.

❤️

It's a woman thing

It's funny how women, doesn't matter what their backgrounds are, are usually jealous or envious of their partners' exs'. They will say something about their looks or background, or whatever, and usually not in a good light. 

Men don't seem to do the same. 

I've shown my partner photos of my past boyfriends and he has never said, "Oh he's not very good looking, or, "Shit he was a fatty ya?" Nothing of that sort, just silence. 

But women, and now I speak for myself, I always say something mean, unless the ex was good looking which I then just remain silent, if not I'll give my two cents worth, such as:

"Oh she had bunny teeth", or "Oh gosh she looks older than her age". I always zoom in on the physical traits and never really going  beyond -- perhaps she had a good heart or personality, and so that's what he saw in her. 

And that's not nice of me but I can't help myself.  And I blame it on, it being a woman thing, to judge another woman and simply not like her coz my partner used to date and be in love with her. 

But I wanna try and be nice. I sure as hell wouldn't want another woman to say the same about me, which they have in the past. One said I wasn't pretty but just had a nice body. Actually my husband's ex wife said that about me. I liked how she said one bad stuff then added a good stuff. Anyways.

I wanna stop bad mouthing other women, so from this day forward, I'm not gonna say, "oh dear, you did that thing?" 

I'm just gonna bite my tongue and remain silent. 

Happiness is ...

Knowing that I'm not gonna die today, and not for a bit yet.

My breast doctor told me I was doing well and I only had to return for a full medical test in July. Which means I'm gonna be enjoying the next 4 months. I was really relieved and happy to get the news especially after the  passing of my friend yesterday. 

I was worried about my bone ache, and doc told me it was part of the side effects of Tamoxifen and the start of my menopause. Damn I sound ancient.

Anyways I'm  just happy that it's not the cancer roaming around in my body. 

Doc told me to go to the gym and carry weights, which isn't what I love doing but gotta do anyway.

So I'm gonna start exercising and getting fit. I hope to do what I say, coz I've no idea why I keep putting off the fact that I need to do some sort of activity. Can't even use the excuse that I'm doing chemo or herceptin. 

Let's see:

What I love doing:

Dancing

Swimming 

Shopping - this is exercising to me 

Getting frisky 

Outdoor shit 

Yoga 

Pilates

Hula hooping 

What I will learn to love eventually:

Gym and the smell of stale sweat 

Oh well. 

This is me when I was doing a bit of exercise. Walking around the block at my apartment. 

Soon, 6 pecs and some muscles:)

R.I.P pink sister Lei.

Everytime I receive news that a pink sister has passed on, I feel sad, crappy and scared. Just a few hours ago I received news that one of these cancer warriors had passed on from breast cancer. 

Floralei and I became friends thru Instagram; I really don't know how but we seemed to be in a support network of women who was undergoing breast cancer or who had breast cancer. 

It's strange how Instagram can unite breast cancer survivors and warriors from all around the world. 

When I was going through chemo in 2014 and 2015, I wrote to Lei as she too was going thru treatments. She was living in USA.

 

She told me her cancer which was treated in 2012 had metastasized to her bones, liver and brain, and that she needed to go for chemo for the rest of her life.

Even at that time, going through what must be a very trying and scary time in her life, she wrote to me and encouraged me to live life fully and to have fun. She told me she hoped to get better soon so she could travel and enjoy life. 

I'm glad that she had a great family; wonderful children and husband who meant the world to her and that she left this physical world peacefully. 

Travel freely wherever you are Lei.  ❤️❤️❤️

Can women have it all? (1/30 of the 30-day daily blog entry)

Yesterday was International Women's Day, and I was bombarded with lots of articles on women, especially those who have successfully made it in their careers yet still being able to juggle raising  families and having time for their husbands.

That of course got me thinking and reminiscing those days when I was that woman.

A year after I got married, we decided to have a child. I was then running my own aromatherapy centre, a small place which had a good clientele because the treatments were personalised. I carried them out myself with the help of another friend who was also a certified aromatherapist.

I continued working right until my tummy was so huge that it hit the side of the bed when I was carrying out treatments, and my clients used to giggle and asked me if I was fine. I loved my business and was passionate about my job so much so that most of the clients eventually became my friends, some until today. So being pregnant and working right till full term was my choice.

My home was an hour from my workplace which now I think was plain madness. It took two hours daily to commute but that didn't stop me from looking forward to go to work. From working for an international advertising agency to switching mode and running my own business gave me such an adrenaline rush that nothing ever stopped me from my work.

While pregnant I noticed that there was a shortage of funky fashion for pregnant women. I started designing maternity wear and began my foray into the fashion line with my label Funky Mama Maternity. I created colourful, shapely outfits that made pregnant woman look great. Never like a tent.

I was a happy camper; having not one but two businesses, a supportive husband and family, and ready to be a mom. Life was great. I was featured in a few women's magazines, always highlighting me as a role model -- successful in juggling and managing my home and career. I felt like a superwoman.  I tried my best to live up to it.

My gorgeous daughter, Megan Summer was born in 2003, and like all first-time parents we showered all our attention on her. She was the first born grandchild on my husband's side, and the fifth on my side. My mom stayed with us on weekdays and helped us to look after her while I was at work. I went back to work after one month confinement, and suffered a mild case of post-natal blues.

I felt overwhelmed with being a mom, and leaving my baby at home while I went to work. Though I loved my job, I just felt guilty when I was working. And when I was home, I felt happy but I also knew I couldn't do it daily and neglect my business coz I really wanted to work too.

My husband left it to me to decide if I had wanted to stop working and be a full-time housewife. He would support whatever decision I made; both of us had stay-at-home moms. We knew that made a difference to how our girl will be brought up. My mom was against me giving up my business because she believed that a woman should be financially-independent. She didn't want me to follow in her footsteps. We know that one of the reasons couples fight, and marriages break down is due to money. Usually the lack of it.

So I gave up my aromatherapy business and concentrated on Funky Mama Maternity. I was excited about it plus my work hours were flexible. Being an entrepreneur in a new business wasn't easy. I had to learn everything about fashion manufacturing and retailing. And it also being a one woman business set-up, I soon became overworked. Business was growing and in 2004, I opened my first retail outlet in Hartamas.

I juggled the best I could between growing my business, looking after my daughter and having a good relationship with my hubby. The priority was always my family, and I was lucky to have a good family support to fill in my role when I was working. That meant I couldn't help but miss some of the milestones Megan achieved growing up; her first step, her first words, etc. I also missed out on weekend outings as a family as I had to work, so my husband and Megan came to work with me in the shop and spent their weekends in the mall.

The long retail hours, though I had hired another salesgirl to help with boutique, soon had taken its  toll on me. I felt knackered when I was home after the shop closed at 10pm. My husband would be asleep when I got home, and as the months rolled on to years our relationship was affected.

Just 5 years after the shop was set up, we divorced. I just couldn't be 100 percent available in all the areas that mattered in my life. I felt I even neglected myself.

Do I blame myself? No. I did the best I could, but at that time I had placed so much pressure on myself and I just cracked under it all. And wanted to be free. Maybe amidst all the hectic schedules, and being there for everyone, I lost myself. Maybe if I just wasn't pushing myself so hard, and being a bit easy on myself, maybe things would have turned out differently. Maybe.

So to all women out there who is managing it well, I salute you. And for those who aren't, my advice is not to be so hard on yourself. Try to have time for yourself, to regroup your thoughts, and to focus on your happiness! And if you need help, ask.  

The 30-day blog entry challenge

I love writing, so it doesn't make sense that I choose to write less and less even though I have more to say and share. 

I've travelled 3 times this year, to Perth, Bangkok, Athens and Santorini, and would like to share some stuff that I've encountered in these wonderful places.

In the pipeline, is a few writing projects that I've been stalling for the longest time. It's now or never. 

I've read countless times before that you just have to start, don't wait for the perfect moment or the perfect words, just start. 

So to get me in the mode of moving my ass and stop procrastinating, I've decided to challenge my dreamy self to write a blog entry on a daily basis for 30 days. Yeah daily for a month!

Today is the first day, and I already have a bunch of topics that I want to write and share here. So yes, I'm excited about it, and will make time from my non-existent career or social life to sit and pen my thoughts. 

Follow me on this 30 days journey; I will write freely on things on my mind, from my past and stuff I encounter daily that got me thinking ... when you think, you react, you change and let's hope it's for the better!