Can women have it all? (1/30 of the 30-day daily blog entry)

Yesterday was International Women's Day, and I was bombarded with lots of articles on women, especially those who have successfully made it in their careers yet still being able to juggle raising  families and having time for their husbands.

That of course got me thinking and reminiscing those days when I was that woman.

A year after I got married, we decided to have a child. I was then running my own aromatherapy centre, a small place which had a good clientele because the treatments were personalised. I carried them out myself with the help of another friend who was also a certified aromatherapist.

I continued working right until my tummy was so huge that it hit the side of the bed when I was carrying out treatments, and my clients used to giggle and asked me if I was fine. I loved my business and was passionate about my job so much so that most of the clients eventually became my friends, some until today. So being pregnant and working right till full term was my choice.

My home was an hour from my workplace which now I think was plain madness. It took two hours daily to commute but that didn't stop me from looking forward to go to work. From working for an international advertising agency to switching mode and running my own business gave me such an adrenaline rush that nothing ever stopped me from my work.

While pregnant I noticed that there was a shortage of funky fashion for pregnant women. I started designing maternity wear and began my foray into the fashion line with my label Funky Mama Maternity. I created colourful, shapely outfits that made pregnant woman look great. Never like a tent.

I was a happy camper; having not one but two businesses, a supportive husband and family, and ready to be a mom. Life was great. I was featured in a few women's magazines, always highlighting me as a role model -- successful in juggling and managing my home and career. I felt like a superwoman.  I tried my best to live up to it.

My gorgeous daughter, Megan Summer was born in 2003, and like all first-time parents we showered all our attention on her. She was the first born grandchild on my husband's side, and the fifth on my side. My mom stayed with us on weekdays and helped us to look after her while I was at work. I went back to work after one month confinement, and suffered a mild case of post-natal blues.

I felt overwhelmed with being a mom, and leaving my baby at home while I went to work. Though I loved my job, I just felt guilty when I was working. And when I was home, I felt happy but I also knew I couldn't do it daily and neglect my business coz I really wanted to work too.

My husband left it to me to decide if I had wanted to stop working and be a full-time housewife. He would support whatever decision I made; both of us had stay-at-home moms. We knew that made a difference to how our girl will be brought up. My mom was against me giving up my business because she believed that a woman should be financially-independent. She didn't want me to follow in her footsteps. We know that one of the reasons couples fight, and marriages break down is due to money. Usually the lack of it.

So I gave up my aromatherapy business and concentrated on Funky Mama Maternity. I was excited about it plus my work hours were flexible. Being an entrepreneur in a new business wasn't easy. I had to learn everything about fashion manufacturing and retailing. And it also being a one woman business set-up, I soon became overworked. Business was growing and in 2004, I opened my first retail outlet in Hartamas.

I juggled the best I could between growing my business, looking after my daughter and having a good relationship with my hubby. The priority was always my family, and I was lucky to have a good family support to fill in my role when I was working. That meant I couldn't help but miss some of the milestones Megan achieved growing up; her first step, her first words, etc. I also missed out on weekend outings as a family as I had to work, so my husband and Megan came to work with me in the shop and spent their weekends in the mall.

The long retail hours, though I had hired another salesgirl to help with boutique, soon had taken its  toll on me. I felt knackered when I was home after the shop closed at 10pm. My husband would be asleep when I got home, and as the months rolled on to years our relationship was affected.

Just 5 years after the shop was set up, we divorced. I just couldn't be 100 percent available in all the areas that mattered in my life. I felt I even neglected myself.

Do I blame myself? No. I did the best I could, but at that time I had placed so much pressure on myself and I just cracked under it all. And wanted to be free. Maybe amidst all the hectic schedules, and being there for everyone, I lost myself. Maybe if I just wasn't pushing myself so hard, and being a bit easy on myself, maybe things would have turned out differently. Maybe.

So to all women out there who is managing it well, I salute you. And for those who aren't, my advice is not to be so hard on yourself. Try to have time for yourself, to regroup your thoughts, and to focus on your happiness! And if you need help, ask.