Pink October, I hate pink!

It's October once again, that month where I look down at my boobs and remember how they used to be, and the hell I've gone through that affects all things that make me feel feminine. (Screw what the feminists say). 

Hair, skin, nails and your mojo are all put to the test. Forced menopause, hot flashes, stunted hair growth, lost of confidence, uncontrollable weight gain, mood swings --it's mental and it's real. 

"But you're lucky to be alive?" 

Me: "Oh shut up already!

Wanna swap places?"

And when you see me, please don't ask me why I cut my hair so short. I didn't. Cancer made me bald and the hair you see now is my baby steps victory over cancer.

I want it so badly, I just gotta have it!

Have you ever wanted something so badly you would beg, borrow or steal for it?

 I saw fashionistas around the globe carry it; in all the different gorgeous colours. It looked so good teamed up with their outfits of the day (OOTD). It was sold out, everywhere. The website would sell out all the bags within the day it was available online.

I was on the waiting list, but they only informed you a few days in advance when the bag is gonna be in stock. And each time it was I would log on, and those bags would all be gone in a jiffy. I was frustrated and all the more I wanted this iconic crazy bucket bag that was not within my grasp.

Sounds familiar to you?

So I put word out that I was looking for this bag. And one day, a personal shopper who has friends in Italy managed to get this bucket bag for me. Bucket bags were all the rage, in fact they are still very much in demand.

I waited so many months for this bag and was so excited to finally own it. I love bags, well-made ones with good leather. Workmanship, design and aesthetics were important to me. Sometimes I liked stuff nobody did but who cares as long as I loved them.

So the seller was over an hour late due to an accident on the highway. That tested my patience as I was early for the meeting but I was still cool as I was finally gonna meet this gorgeous baby. It came in a big box and I had to literally carry it like a baby to my car.

Once home I opened the box, and took in the smell of the leather, felt it, looked at the design and the amount of work that went into making this much sought-after bag. It's amazing that all this time I've heard praises of how great this bag is, but somehow this bag was a let down for me. My heart didn't skip a beat when I saw it in person. I have high expectations, probably.

It doesn't compare to my Celine, Chanel, or Givenchy, not even close to LV, but at that price point of course it's on a different category all together. But still, it wasn't cheap.

This reminds me so much of an incident that happened when I was 18 years old. In those days there was only the landline telephone at home. I had spent weeks talking for hours on the phone to a guy. Then one day he asked me out on a date.

I agreed to go, though, believe it or not I was a shy girl back then who never went out dating. So it was like one of my first few dates ever with a guy. My mom even encouraged me to go out and meet this boy. I was homely and studious, and did crochet all day. I even baked cookies and cakes then.

To cut a long story short, when I did see this guy from afar, he was not good looking, and not what I always imagined him to look like (his fabulous voice didn't match his face, dammit!), so I ran away from the place before he had the chance to spot me in the crowd.

I didn't even wait for the bus, instead jumped into a taxi and came home. Till today I remember his name -- Fabian.  I was ashamed of myself, and I can't believe I did that.

My mom scolded me but my siblings thought it was hilarious yet also mean of me. Back in those days I chose looks over substance, (not that I'm good looking or anything) and that was my weakness. My heart literally sunk when I met this guy, the same way it sunk when I met this handbag.

Although I didn't really fancy this bag, I carried it, just to see if the leather would soften and if I could eventually fall in love with it. You know, akin to a girl meeting a boy she isn't lusting after -- but as the days go by she falls in love with the boy.

But nah, that didn't happen with this bag. So I've put word out on my IG that I'm selling my bucket bag. We're just not meant for each other. 

Anyone wants?

10 things to be happy about today

I have to admit I have been rather anti-social some time back and I have politely refused to meet up with friends who wanted to visit me. While I do enjoy the perks that come with having cancer, I'm getting tired to be talking about cancer. And friends though they mean well, have no idea that I do not want to discuss my cancer; whether I'm doing ok or if the cancer is gone,etc. Hence one of  the reasons for this blog so people I know get the information I wanna share about my health right here.

Anyway I have started to see friends again. And to my surprise, they have asked me very little about cancer. We talked about everything else. And it feels that my world is getting back to normal after all. 

So today, after my daily morning walk, I felt really happy and in a good place. I pondered on what made me happy today. Here goes:

1. I'm alive. Despite a little body and bone ache, I feel great. My skin is returning to a healthy colour and I don't look grey anymore. My hair is growing, slowly but surely. I'm regaining my strength.

2. I have a great family. A crazy hubby who has a good heart and is very generous with me. A daughter who is growing up too soon but has progressed so well through the years. My dad who is awesome and visits me weekly. My siblings who are always there for me.

3. I have loads of wonderful friends. I have started to meet up with them and will continue to do so. Maybe they hate to talk about my cancer too as it can't be easy saying the right things to a person who has been through an illness.

4. I can work when and if I want to. No pressure or stress. Just focus on getting healthy again.

5. I have the time to catch up on my reading and writing, and to start studying any subject that interests me. I can even go back to starting a hobby like painting.

6. I'm half way through my Herceptin treatments, and can't wait for it to be over so I don't have to visit the hospital every 3 weeks.

7. Online shopping. I can't seem to get enough of exploring all the e-stores out there. Love it!

8. Marathon movie-watching sessions on Netflix.

9. I love hanging out at home. There are days where I can stay in and not bother to step out at all. All I need is at home.

10. My time alone makes me happy. I have so much to work within myself. As we know, happiness is an inside job!

Post-chemo thoughts

I haven't been posting anything for a bit now.  It's not that I haven't had anything to say but I was simply too busy to really have the time to sit down and pen my thoughts. Plus I've been lazy. I have much to say when I'm down in the doldrums or deliriously happy instead of in a plain normal mode.

I've been travelling a lot these past 2 months -- to Europe and the States but that deserves another post with pictures, of course. * Hint, I visited Niagara Falls coz it was on my bucket list.

Post-chemo time is great in so many ways. You suddenly feel free to jump back into the pace of  your daily life, instead of feeling and looking sick, then counting the days before you feel better and ready for your next chemo.  Well, I still have to continue my Herceptin treatments every 3 weeks but there is no side effects from it. So basically apart from getting healthy again, I have nothing much to stress over. Just eat healthy, exercise and do nothing that annoys me. 

If only it was that simple. 

I'm lucky that I can take my time to get back to the daily routine of life. You can never jump back in to daily routine, more of easing your way in. And things do seem the same, yet different. Every morning instead of drinking coffee first I now make my own vegetable juice and have it instead.

When it comes to work, well, I'm working freelance and that means I get to choose which projects I want to work on. I also have my handbag business to concentrate on but it's nothing too major that will stress me out. That's good as we all  know that stress is not good for cancer.

I'm so happy that I have the freedom to do as I please as I'm still having a delayed reaction to having cancer. It's been nearly a year that I had been admitted to the hospital and had undergone the whole range of treatments. My mind can't seem to focus on anything else. All I think is how do I build my immune system, what type of exercises should I do, what kind of juice and diet do I need and if I could ever afford organice vegetables and fruits to help me lead a healhty life?

My biggest fear is wondering if all the treatments that I have endured had successfully killed all my active cancer cells? Am I in remission? I will only know this when I do my check-up in early July, a month from now. 

There will always be this fear in me because like I've said before, I can do my part to fight the cancer but the rest is out of my hands. I have the best medical treatments, fab doctors and great support system (except for a few bad apples), and yet I really can't be sure that I will be around for the next 5 or 10 years to see my daughter graduate? And that's a gloomy outlook even for someone who has until now had a positive attitude in dealing with my cancer.

It will always be on my mind, once you have cancer it stays with you just like herpes. Only thing is that herpes doesn't kill you. I have had nights where I have woken up panicking thinking that the cancer is back and I'm gonna die. I even have to tell myself that death aint that bad, so calm down and breathe. I just hate to live in fear. The unknown. 

My friends tell me that they admire my strength in undergoing what I have but some days I feel weak. I'm so tired. Tired of the battle. Tired of being strong. Tired of the whole cancer stuff.   

Travelling helps me forget what I'm going through and to just enjoy new places and new experiences, but it is always at the back of my mind.

No matter how postive I am on my good days, thoughts of cancer returning never really leave my mind. Today, I wish I never had cancer! It has scarred me -- mentally, physically, emotionally.

The growing shopping list not grocery list

New season, Spring/Summer 2015, and new clothes, shoes and bags are churned out by designers. My favourite time of course, if I could get them all which is not possible as I have a huge appetite for beautiful stuff. Some are to- die- for and my list keeps growing ...


Fancy anything listed?

Chanel Chevron Flap Bag

Chiara Ferragni

Chiara Ferragni

Valentino Rock Stud Tote

Chiara Ferragni

Triangl Colour Block Bikini

Mansur Gavriel

Jimmy Choo

Charlotte Olympia Kitty fringed leather pouch

 Valentino Rock Studs

Givenchy Print Iphone 6

I got my eye on you -- Valentino SS15 Bags

Valentino rock stud bags and shoes have caught my eyes these past few months. I spend a lot of time poring over online sites looking at beautiful bags. I call it my favourite pastime, and very therapeutic too as I fill my hours with beautiful objects of my desire. 

I had the chance to touch, feel and carry Valentino bags when I was in London recently. It's one thing to see it online but nothing beats seeing it in person, I guess the same goes for internet romance. After all the chat, and endless hours of looking from afar, you wanna meet in the flesh.

I was not disappointed. Now I'm obsessed with getting my hands on one of these babies. The thing is I can't seem to pick one. Love them all.  

Damn you cancer

I've been having a rough time these few days. Firstly, I came back from my first proper vacation which coincided with my birthday, so I'm blaming part of it on post-holiday blues. The other part would be that my whole body is aching, God knows if it's from the cold weather in London and Brussels, or from all the chemo drugs, and now radiotherapy.

I had so many story ideas, and I had wanted to update my blog but I've just been having foggy brains, and couple that with fatigue, I just lay in bed mostly, doing nothing. I forget stuff that I want to buy. I forget dates, days, names. It can be so frustrating at times, so I've just have had to write everything down in my Moleskine. Gosh it sucks being stupid and blur, and many seconds too slow. I used to frown upon people like these, and voila, I'm one now. Karma is a bitch.

I just started radiotherapy. I've had 4 sessions out of the 20 I need. Going to hospital daily for 5 minutes of radio is a pain in the neck. I drive myself to hospital, valet for RM12, and out of there in less than half an hour. It takes longer to get ready than to actually do the treatment.

I am starting to sound and feel pretty anxious. Am I on the road to a meltdown? I've been doing so well all this time. Well, it's no fun going to the hospital and seeing sick people daily. Most have visible burn marks from the radiation; two of whom I saw was on their necks. I think that shook me up quite a bit.

So far I have not had any burnt marks. Too early, says my oncologist. Probably in 2 weeks' time, depending on my skin -- I might feel some discomfort. So for now I just need to avoid soap around the affected area when I shower; no perfume or deodorant too.

I also need to exercise the affected arm as they reckon I would feel sore and feel some tightness, which I have already experienced.

I saw my oncologist today as I had my second chemo maintenance treatment of Herceptin. That took 2 hours from beginning to end. So all in I was in the hospital for 5 hours today. To do Herceptin followed by radio is really a double whammy. I feel irritated, due to the bone ache, and also interrupted sleep I've experienced for the past few nights.

I wake up in the middle of the night with hot flashes. I'm perspiring and my body feels like it's engulfed in flames. Not a nice feeling considering I haven't even started Tamoxifen, the hormone pill I need to take for the next 5 to 10 years. It is getting a lot more depressing with all the side effects that are slowly popping up. 

My doctor prescribed some anti-inflammatory pills and also sleeping pills. I'm gonna pop some and hit the sack now.

Good nite folks. I can feel my brain shutting down. Knackered. May tomorrow be a better day for me and all those battling cancer and know what I'm going through. For those of you who are healthy, be thankful and go enjoy yourselves to the max! Don't worry about silly stuff like a bad hair day or fat thighs, all these are so trivial when you have your health.

P.S  I managed to throw in an hour or so poring over beautiful handbags and shoes online. I think I hit me a nice handbag. That saved my day.