When your number is up, you have to go

I took time to grieve. A stranger looking at me would never know that I was grieving within. I couldn't come to terms with the fact that I wasn't by my mom's bedside when she passed on. It was fated -- I've never seen a person die. I don't think I could forget that moment as I tend to replay things in my mind unintentionally. It would have been a torture.

My mom was always scared of dying. But I think at the end of her journey, she accepted her faith and left it in God's hands. She used to jokingly say to the doctors that she was the chosen one, or one in a million as having angio sarcoma was rare in Malaysia. 

She appeared jovial yet was very scared inside. She would say that we all had a number, and once our number is up, we have to go. She also reminded us to appreciate and say all the things we wanted to say to a person when the person is alive and not when the person is dead.

But I for one seriously thought that my mom would not have gone so soon. And so there were things both of us had left unspoken.

She had the fighting spirit but her body just couldn't cope with the aggression of the cancer.It spread viciously and attacked her organs and within a year she left us.

The only solace I can find is the fact that she had her final wish of not suffering in agony and not looking like a skeleton which is the case when one dies because of cancer. She looked like she was sleeping peacefully with a hint of a smile.

It's been less than four months. The pain of losing her never ceases, but I know she would want us to be happy and to live life fully. Rest now mama.

 This one is for you.


                                               Smiling from heaven

       

You held on for as long as you could

God saw your struggles, saw your pain

And took you home.

Worry not about us

Our tears, our sorrows we cannot hide

But in time we will get by.

Rest now sweet Mama for nothing was in vain

We remember all your words, your guidance

We hear your voice within us.

We feel your presence in our hearts

The memories with you

we cherish forever.

Watch over us and guide us from above

Even nag at us,

we know you want to.

We long so much to hold and hug you,

If only for a second

And tell you we will be fine.

We love and miss you Mama

So keep smiling from heaven,

until we meet again.