So you're looking for the perfect partner?

We are so busy looking for the perfect partner, well at least perfect according to our perception of a partner that can complement us in all areas of life, we forget that we need to ensure that we ourselves are pretty awesome to start with.

I spoke to an old friend yesterday and he said that he was in search of the perfect partner for himself. But first he was gonna work on himself so that when he met her he would already be 'ready' to invest in a relationship.  That makes sense; if you want something good then you better have something good to offer too and be ready for a relationship. 

All my life I never really prepared myself consciously before I got ready to be in a relationship. It just happened. When you fall in love, you simply fall. Just went with the flow, stupidly in love. That's the Aquarian in me, when we fall we fall hard. Maybe I didn't even give myself time to be alone and to reflect on my own weaknesses and what I really wanted and what needed to be worked on or healed. 

That figures as to why perhaps I didn't know when I met someone who were pretty much my soul mate but I was naive and screwed up. Looking back I had a couple of very good relationships (of course along with the horrible ones I wrote about before)  -- perhaps those would have worked out if I went prepared to be in a relationship. 

Now, even while being in a relationship, I'm working on myself more. Some habits and ways are not easy to change especially at my age, so I do feel like a bipolar on most days.

Note to self: look within, work within before you look outside for love or expect your partner to be perfect for you. ❤️

When someone dies suddenly

I write this with a heavy heart. I seldom regret things that I have done or haven't but this one is an exception. I wish I had made time for Kenny.

Kenny and I were friends since high school, and somehow we lost touch with one another over the years and reconnected via Fb last year. 

We quickly picked up on our friendship and had planned to meet up for coffee, but somehow with my treatments and busy travel schedule we never got to meet up.

In fact, he wished me on my birthday on February 18, and had asked to meet up again. But I never did make that happen.

Last nite while I was on Fb I found out from a mutual friend that Kenny had passed away after playing football. He was a fit guy and I used to tease him about it. He went for cycling competitions and he loved football, and planned to take up swimming so he could train in triathlons -- I found that out through one of his best friends, Jahabar.

When Kenny found out that I had breast cancer and was undergoing treatments he was very concerned and prayed for me. 

With cancer or other illnesses, you give others the chance to prepare themselves mentally that you may die from that illness. But with a sudden death such as a heart attack, you go into shock. Especially since he was health conscious and is easily one of the fittest guys I know. My heart is broken.

He was a good, decent and caring guy, with an infectious smile; he was so full of life. Sometimes I just can't understand why things happen as they do. 

Till we meet again Kenny for that coffee.

Rest in peace. ❤️

Is he bad for you?

I've had my share of choosing bad men over the good ones. You know the ones that stray whenever your back is turned, the party guys, the liars, the ones that never quite grew up and the ones that are just irresponsible.

But somehow these are the ones I'm drawn too as they live life recklessly, which can be exciting and exhilarating in a world when most things are so mundane. 

But after the initial thrill is gone, you then see these bad guys for what they really are. If you met him when both of you were out partying and having a good time, the party boy might still want to continue partying while you may have had enough of it. How many times a week can you wake up with a bad hangover? 

Your goals in life change over time and as we get older we tend to find other ways to find joy and happiness. 

I've been with guys who are players. 

He can love you and be nice to you, showering you with gifts and awesome holidays; and make you feel you are the most beautiful and important person in his life yet when he is away from you for long periods of time, he can and will be unfaithful to you. 

It's horrible to have to constantly check on your partner to know if he is cheating. Stalking his Facebook, LinkedIn and Instagram accounts can be so tiring and stressful. Sometimes I think I may have been a sucker for punishment allowing myself to go through all this shit for a guy.

Was it even love or just my bruised ego, and thinking that I could repair a guy or make him change if he loves me. It's such a waste of time, I realize now.

I wasted all that time and suffered in silence, hurt by the betrayal and forever forgiving and only to have the same thing repeated.

Lies. Betrayal. They hurt. They change you. And most times these guys don't even know or care that they are hurting you.

For the longest time, I thought that if I was better at this and that, then these scumbags will change. But now I know the problems were in them. They had unresolved issues and they did things that made them feel happy, loved, or whatever -- whether it was me or another girl as their partner, they would do the same.

It took me so long to figure this out and to let go of these toxic emotions. 

Will a player ever change? Will a liar ever stop lying? Will it even matter anymore?

Do we ever learn from over mistakes?

First we need to acknowledge that we fucked up, and made a mistake.  Depending on how bad it was, over time we eventually let it sink in and move on.

But when another similar situation arises, do we refrain ourselves from making the same mistake, or do we tend to fall in the same trap?

Doing the same mistake twice is no longer considered a mistake but in fact a habit.

I think sometimes I know what I'm doing is wrong but don't have the willpower to refrain from doing it. It can be such a vicious cycle. You promise to not do something then next minute you are doing the bad stuff again.

I know I shouldn't eat after 8 pm as I feel bloated and find it hard to sleep, but I still do it and end up having a restless night. 

Alcohol is not exactly a great choice after chemotherapy and cancer but I can't seem to refrain from it. 

Being judgemental of another person when you do not know the other person is a terrible thing to do but I can't help myself from being unkind. And I keep making the mistake of doing what I say I wouldn't.

I think we will continue to make mistakes till we find the courage within to stop doing so because our actions do cause harm to ourselves and hurt others. We need to realize that on our own instead of being told or forced to stop. 

And sometimes I'm just a jerk and need to behave myself, and do what I say I'll do and mean it too.

❤️

It's a woman thing

It's funny how women, doesn't matter what their backgrounds are, are usually jealous or envious of their partners' exs'. They will say something about their looks or background, or whatever, and usually not in a good light. 

Men don't seem to do the same. 

I've shown my partner photos of my past boyfriends and he has never said, "Oh he's not very good looking, or, "Shit he was a fatty ya?" Nothing of that sort, just silence. 

But women, and now I speak for myself, I always say something mean, unless the ex was good looking which I then just remain silent, if not I'll give my two cents worth, such as:

"Oh she had bunny teeth", or "Oh gosh she looks older than her age". I always zoom in on the physical traits and never really going  beyond -- perhaps she had a good heart or personality, and so that's what he saw in her. 

And that's not nice of me but I can't help myself.  And I blame it on, it being a woman thing, to judge another woman and simply not like her coz my partner used to date and be in love with her. 

But I wanna try and be nice. I sure as hell wouldn't want another woman to say the same about me, which they have in the past. One said I wasn't pretty but just had a nice body. Actually my husband's ex wife said that about me. I liked how she said one bad stuff then added a good stuff. Anyways.

I wanna stop bad mouthing other women, so from this day forward, I'm not gonna say, "oh dear, you did that thing?" 

I'm just gonna bite my tongue and remain silent. 

Happiness is ...

Knowing that I'm not gonna die today, and not for a bit yet.

My breast doctor told me I was doing well and I only had to return for a full medical test in July. Which means I'm gonna be enjoying the next 4 months. I was really relieved and happy to get the news especially after the  passing of my friend yesterday. 

I was worried about my bone ache, and doc told me it was part of the side effects of Tamoxifen and the start of my menopause. Damn I sound ancient.

Anyways I'm  just happy that it's not the cancer roaming around in my body. 

Doc told me to go to the gym and carry weights, which isn't what I love doing but gotta do anyway.

So I'm gonna start exercising and getting fit. I hope to do what I say, coz I've no idea why I keep putting off the fact that I need to do some sort of activity. Can't even use the excuse that I'm doing chemo or herceptin. 

Let's see:

What I love doing:

Dancing

Swimming 

Shopping - this is exercising to me 

Getting frisky 

Outdoor shit 

Yoga 

Pilates

Hula hooping 

What I will learn to love eventually:

Gym and the smell of stale sweat 

Oh well. 

This is me when I was doing a bit of exercise. Walking around the block at my apartment. 

Soon, 6 pecs and some muscles:)

R.I.P pink sister Lei.

Everytime I receive news that a pink sister has passed on, I feel sad, crappy and scared. Just a few hours ago I received news that one of these cancer warriors had passed on from breast cancer. 

Floralei and I became friends thru Instagram; I really don't know how but we seemed to be in a support network of women who was undergoing breast cancer or who had breast cancer. 

It's strange how Instagram can unite breast cancer survivors and warriors from all around the world. 

When I was going through chemo in 2014 and 2015, I wrote to Lei as she too was going thru treatments. She was living in USA.

 

She told me her cancer which was treated in 2012 had metastasized to her bones, liver and brain, and that she needed to go for chemo for the rest of her life.

Even at that time, going through what must be a very trying and scary time in her life, she wrote to me and encouraged me to live life fully and to have fun. She told me she hoped to get better soon so she could travel and enjoy life. 

I'm glad that she had a great family; wonderful children and husband who meant the world to her and that she left this physical world peacefully. 

Travel freely wherever you are Lei.  ❤️❤️❤️