What cancer has taught me (Part 2)

I've always been impatient be it waiting in line at the post-office or waiting to see a doctor. However after being in and out of hospital over the span of more than six months, I have learnt to be patient. Because no matter who you are, when you are undergoing chemo, you have to go through so many procedures prior to getting the go ahead from your oncologist to do your treatment on chemo day.

You will deal with so many people from the nurse taking your blood sample to the receptionist handling your insurance details, and you need patience to get you through it all. Each treatment day can drag on to up to 6 hours from the moment you step into the chemo ward till the time you walk out of the hospital.

I usually prefer to go alone as I don't relish the idea of another person waiting that long with me. Of course, my sweet hubby insists on accompanying me whenever he is in town.

I also realized that I'm more patient when I'm stuck in a traffic jam or if another driver is annoying the hell out of me. I simply ignore it all, and turn up the music in the car and move like a crazy driver. Music can certainly change your mood for the better.

Cancer has certainly thought me to forget my vanity. There is no room for that.

My skin changed, albeit temporary, to a dullish grey tone from all the medication that I'm taking. I've gone bald. My nails have discoloured. My boobs that I was quite proud of as I could go braless anytime, have changed due to my lumpectomy. In spite of these physical changes, I have just accepted them and done all I can to make myself feel and look nice.

I bought wigs, scarves, hats and caps, wore makeup and simply dressed-up to face each day. It wasn't easy at first but going through what I have, these are so small issues to deal with.

I was so afraid that my hubby would not find me attactive and desirable anymore. But I was wrong, he stood by me through it all, in fact he teased me about my baldness and sent me picture messages of E.T and Gollum and said I looked like them. Laughter and humour kept things going between us.
Also the nature of his job was a blessing as he didn't get to see me when I was in the doldrums.

There were days that I felt and asked myself 'why me' -- when I'm the kind of person who is drawn to physical beauty. Why had I to get cancer? And now more than before I know that people are more than that.

You can be loved for what's inside of you coz beauty fades over time but kindness, generosity, empathy, honesty, integrity, warmth and sincerity are what matter in a person. Every one is beautiful in their own way but true beauty emanates from within. When you are beautiful inside you shine on the outside.

http://youtu.be/eAfyFTzZDMM

What cancer has taught me (Part 1)

I've read somewhere that God doesn't put you in situations which he thinks you can't handle. So my guess is he thinks I can handle cancer and whatever effects it has on me and the people I care about.
You see when you have cancer it is not just you dealing with it. It affects your spouse, kids, parents and siblings and your close friends.........even your Instagram and facebook friends.

Some of these people stay by your side, and some just get lost. Cancer has taught me who my real friends are. Also how people cope when you are ill. Some things they do disappoint you, some makes you cry and some just don't matter.

You learn along your journey that no matter what, you have your family to care for you. Family is important; so do your best to make time for them and their needs too. I guess I learnt to not just think that the world revolves around me, and to listen to other people's issues and how I could offer my two cents worth.

These past few months I have learnt to trust my instincts and to block off things that were stressing me. I truly believe that what you don't know doesn't hurt you. So I have stopped wasting my time finding fault or should I say looking for fault. Being ill just opens up your eyes that so many of these issues are not important anymore.

I learnt to shut one eye, and in doing that to find peace and joy that I have seldom experienced in the past. I always felt I was at sea on a stormy day and I had to do all I could to battle the weather just to stay alive. I was always alone. Now all I visualize is blue skies, calm azure crystal clear water and me floating at sea without any worry or fear. Just bliss.

I've been in so many different careers in my lifetime from being a PR consultant, writer for a magazine, copywriter in an ad agency, aromatherapist, maternity fashion designer to a boutique owner, and cancer has taught me to look back and reassess what form of occupation actually satisfied my soul. The kind that brings out the passion in you so much so that working is pleasurable and not considered working at all. To quote Confucius, "choose a job you love and you will never have to work a day in your life." Making money while you do so is a bonus.

I found that my love for fashion exceeded everything else. I love beautiful bags, shoes, accessories and other stuff that a fashionable woman would want in her life. To some this is so superficial, but that's me. In fact, having cancer and being confined to your home can make so many people depress. But I turned to fashion and beautiful things to fill my days with sunshine. I spent my days reading about anything to do with fashion, mainly bags and shoes. And voila, I started a little business in trading with pre-loved and new bags. This has kept me going, and filled my mind and thoughts with fashion instead of worrying about cancer and my treatments. I have a few friends who share the same interest with me and we spend many hours discussing about bags, lol.

I love the hashtag #shallowlikethat when referring to this obsession about bags and shoes.

I'm looking forward to finish my treatments and get ready to conquer the world -- big shopping cities and to be the personal shopper for people who can't travel overseas and buy things for themselves.
It's my ultimate dream job!

To end the first part of this post, I would like to add something that I never quite knew about myself that is ............... I am strong. I've heard people tell me that but seriously aren't we all strong when faced with a matter of life and death, and when you don't have a choice in that matter but to fight with all your might. I saw that fighting spirit in my mom when she was battling cancer, and apparently I have that in me too. I bloody hell feel strong, and I'm battling cancer in my own way! Watch out cancer you messed with the wrong person!

When someone or something makes you unhappy, what can you do?

 

Last Friday evening, I found myself losing my cool over something that someone said and I hated feeling so angry inside. I knew I had to take control of my feelings and how I was reacting to the situation that I was in.

I stumbled upon this advice, at the perfect timing, something by Eckhart Tolle. I realized that I was indeed bitching about things and I felt like I was treated unfairly, like a victim. 

So what I did was to change my reaction to the situation. I just accepted that some people no matter what, was never going to change and that whatever they did to you was not about you but them. 

To get myself to cool down, I just accepted that person as he is. A selfish guy who didn't care about me and my situation. He was selfish with me. 

But he wasn't selfish towards his new wife and kids. So I guess, he is not selfish in general but only selfish to me. And the moment I accepted it, and removed myself from being the victim, and I felt so much better like a burden had offloaded from my chest. 

I was happy, the ones I love seeing I was feeling better within, felt more relaxed too and all was well once again.

I feel that the old me, before breast cancer, would have fought back. The new me, have taken control of things, changed my perception of so many stuff, learnt to let go coz you know what? These little things are unimportant. My inner peace and joy are my priority now. 

My first short getaway

I finished my chemo treatments, well at least what I call the first phase of it on January 23. I told my oncologist I needed to get away for a breather as I had been stuck at home for the last 6 months.

To my surprise he agreed that it was fine for me to go away. He packed me with the necessary medications just in case I had a flu or fever while I was away. 

I left for Doha and then two nights in Bahrain, and back to KL within a week. It was fantastic to simply forget about treatments, hospitals, chemo drugs. I even forgot I was being treated for cancer.

I enjoyed that getaway with my hubby, and here are some of the moments that we captured. 

Cancer friends

When you have cancer, you kinda relate to those who have cancer, or have been there before. You become instant friends due to the inherent understanding you have of each others' condition, emotions and most importantly, fear.

You see that same look in their eyes, the ones that stare back at you each time you look in your own mirror. Eyes that tell a story. Mostly from fear. Fear if our bodies can undergo chemo, fear if the cancer will ever return and fear at our own helplessness when dealing with something that has a mind of its own.

Every time I go for my chemo I meet new ladies; all waiting to see the same oncologist. Since we sometimes have to wait for a long time, we do chat with one another, and the topics always revolve around each others' diagnosis, cause for the cancer, treatments, medical charges and what each of us are doing to fight cancer.

I met this particular cancer patient yesterday; this is the second time I'm meeting her. She is in her sixties, and from Indonesia (she is seeking treatment in Kuala Lumpur), and had her final maintenance treatment for Herceptin yesterday. She asked me a lot of questions about diet and nutrition for cancer. 

if you love fruits, go for these

She had many friends and family members that advised her to eat certain kinds of food. And she asked me if I was on any diet. I had my fair share of unsolicited advice from people who meant well, but seriously, the only advice I'm listening to are the ones from my doctors, cancer survivors and researches that are scientically proven.

I know diet and nutrition play an important role in healing from cancer, but I also know there are other factors that contribute to cancer. Recently I even read an article that say it's just plain bad luck that we get cancer. Yeah, and I do believe so, because you can have no history of family cancer, be an exercise freak, eat healthy food diligently, dont smoke or consume alcohol, and still have cancer!

I felt so sorry for this cancer friend and asked her if she was happy with her food and lifestyle. She said no. She was so fed up with boiled vegetables, no meat, no egg, no milk kinda diet; the list just seemed endless and ridiculous to me.

when I feel like it I
 eat my favourite scallop dish 

She asked me for my advice, and I told her, if it wasn't making her happy then what was the use of having to live if we were sad and not enjoying ourselves. Cancer changes you in so many ways, but one thing for sure is that it teaches you to seize the day, and be happy. And you can't do that if you keep worrying if you should be eating a mouthful of ice-cream and if you did, would that make your cancer return!

 Everything in moderation is my motto for now.

And when it was her turn to see the doctor, I wished her well, and hope to be bumping into her during her follow-up visits. I just hope she relaxes and enjoys her life.

She mentioned that each visit was costing her RM11,000 and that cancer was a lifelong battle. The worry never ends even when you have no evidence of disease or N.E.D. Arghhhh I never quite thought of it that way.

   

Feeling blue this Christmas

It's supposed to be a happy time. But I can't stop thinking of my mom; she used to loved Christmas, especially decorating the Christmas tree. In honour of her, I asked my daughter to help me put up our tree early. We had it up by 2nd December. I wanted it to be all adorned with silver decorations.

It's sad coz I really miss her. We could never always see things in the same way but as time goes by I see so much of her in me. She always had so many stories to tell and there was never a dull moment with her around. I still can't quite deal with it really. She has left a void in all of our hearts.

I'm also feeling blue coz my husband won't be seeing us during the whole of December due to his flight schedules. He is super busy flying across the globe, and he seems to be having a good life. Nothing has changed for him except that I have cancer and stuck at home, very far away from him.

So it sucks big time. That would be like 50 days not seeing each other, the longest we have ever been apart from one another. So not only is my cancer a test for both of us but his job is also another test as we have to live apart from one another. What would we do without ft, viber and watsapp?

It doesn't help when I'm also feeling like I'm on an emotional roller coaster due to me having to handle my chemo treatment without him physically being around to support me. This is when I really hate marrying a pilot coz he is never around when I need him. It feels like you have a part time husband. I've no idea how other pilots' wives handle it.

It's gonna be a quiet Christmas too coz my elder brother and his family, and my eldest sister will be away. That leaves only my other sister and her family, and my dad to celebrate with us.

Every Christmas song that I listen to just makes me all teary eyed.  That's the way it is for now. I guess I have to make the best of this Christmas with those who are with me. And that is so much already compared to those who would be spending it alone. (note to self: must always be grateful)

Merry Christmas folks!!!!

My mom loves flowers

Love butterflies

Got this thing about birds too, love them

Are you a priority or just an option?

 
It has been bugging me for a while now. You have some people in your life that you drop everything for to attend to their needs. For me it's my daughter, my hubby, members of my immediate family and close friends.

Sometimes I even give more priority to a few in my priority list itself. So it kinda hurt me to find out that sometimes these people do not reciprocrate and make you a priority in their lives too.

Sadly, I found this out recently. I would think that since the other party, the attention was focused on, was in the pink of health, therefore my needs would come first. After all I am undergoing chemo and I do feel like an emotional roller-coaster at most times, and I thought this person that I give my attention to all the time, would at least be there for me if not physically, then emotionally.

I was let down. I lost to rounds of booze and merriment among siblings and friends. That hurt a lot.

But in any situation there is a lesson to be learnt.
1. I shouldn't place too much hope on another human being. They are imperfect and sometimes act like an asshole because they lack empathy, and so many of the genes that make a person caring, honest, generous, kind and loving.
2.  Nobody is perfect, not even me, so I should stop judging.
3. Maybe it's time to focus my attention on people that I  never made a priority. Who knows, but my options could be better than my priority.
4. I gotta be selfish at times and make myself a priority.
5. I should stop giving these horrible people my space of thought, drop them from my priority list if they continue to disappoint me.

Enough said, enough ranting from someone who really needs to chill.