Feeling blue this Christmas

It's supposed to be a happy time. But I can't stop thinking of my mom; she used to loved Christmas, especially decorating the Christmas tree. In honour of her, I asked my daughter to help me put up our tree early. We had it up by 2nd December. I wanted it to be all adorned with silver decorations.

It's sad coz I really miss her. We could never always see things in the same way but as time goes by I see so much of her in me. She always had so many stories to tell and there was never a dull moment with her around. I still can't quite deal with it really. She has left a void in all of our hearts.

I'm also feeling blue coz my husband won't be seeing us during the whole of December due to his flight schedules. He is super busy flying across the globe, and he seems to be having a good life. Nothing has changed for him except that I have cancer and stuck at home, very far away from him.

So it sucks big time. That would be like 50 days not seeing each other, the longest we have ever been apart from one another. So not only is my cancer a test for both of us but his job is also another test as we have to live apart from one another. What would we do without ft, viber and watsapp?

It doesn't help when I'm also feeling like I'm on an emotional roller coaster due to me having to handle my chemo treatment without him physically being around to support me. This is when I really hate marrying a pilot coz he is never around when I need him. It feels like you have a part time husband. I've no idea how other pilots' wives handle it.

It's gonna be a quiet Christmas too coz my elder brother and his family, and my eldest sister will be away. That leaves only my other sister and her family, and my dad to celebrate with us.

Every Christmas song that I listen to just makes me all teary eyed.  That's the way it is for now. I guess I have to make the best of this Christmas with those who are with me. And that is so much already compared to those who would be spending it alone. (note to self: must always be grateful)

Merry Christmas folks!!!!

My mom loves flowers

Love butterflies

Got this thing about birds too, love them

Are you a priority or just an option?

 
It has been bugging me for a while now. You have some people in your life that you drop everything for to attend to their needs. For me it's my daughter, my hubby, members of my immediate family and close friends.

Sometimes I even give more priority to a few in my priority list itself. So it kinda hurt me to find out that sometimes these people do not reciprocrate and make you a priority in their lives too.

Sadly, I found this out recently. I would think that since the other party, the attention was focused on, was in the pink of health, therefore my needs would come first. After all I am undergoing chemo and I do feel like an emotional roller-coaster at most times, and I thought this person that I give my attention to all the time, would at least be there for me if not physically, then emotionally.

I was let down. I lost to rounds of booze and merriment among siblings and friends. That hurt a lot.

But in any situation there is a lesson to be learnt.
1. I shouldn't place too much hope on another human being. They are imperfect and sometimes act like an asshole because they lack empathy, and so many of the genes that make a person caring, honest, generous, kind and loving.
2.  Nobody is perfect, not even me, so I should stop judging.
3. Maybe it's time to focus my attention on people that I  never made a priority. Who knows, but my options could be better than my priority.
4. I gotta be selfish at times and make myself a priority.
5. I should stop giving these horrible people my space of thought, drop them from my priority list if they continue to disappoint me.

Enough said, enough ranting from someone who really needs to chill.

"Are you keeping some anger inside you?"

There is no doctor out there or any studies that can actually tell you why you have cancer. There are many possible reasons but no difinite ones.

I know mine has a lot to do with stress and keeping lots of surpressed emotions within. Though I tell myself that I can't change someone or a situation, and therefore should let things that are not within my control to just unfold by itself, I don't seem to be able to let go.

How does one let go? It's not that I'm a person who loves to be in charge or take control. As far as I know I've always been a follower, seldom a leader.

Just a couple of weeks ago, while waiting to see my ocologist, I met an elderly lady and her husband. We were both reading some article on the pin-up board at the chemotherapy clinic and somehow started a conversation. Her husband had cancer and had just completed his chemo treatments. He was there for a follow-up check-up.

While discussing about possible causes of cancer, she suddenly asked me if I was keeping some anger or grudge against a male or a female? According to her, depending on which side of the breast I had cancer, it could refer to a woman or a man.

I thought that was interesting, as I've read before that cancer sometimes manifests itself  when someone has much emotional baggage surpressed and stored within them.

Most illnesses are due partly coz of emotions, negative emotions, that find its way, bit by bit gnawing away inside a physical body. And one fine day, ta dah, you have cancer. Your whole world crumbles. You do all you can to be able to live.

But not before you ask God why? Why me? It's not that I don't have loads on my plate, why give me a buffet to deal with?

Amidst all the crazy emotions that run the gamut from denial, anger, fear to determination, I took a good look at my life. Having cancer made me do a stock-take of my life.

What kind of life had I led? What kind of person was I? Was I a good daughter, wife, mother, sister, friend?

What was my passion in life? I read somewhere, (yes, I've been reading a lot since my cancer diagnosis), that a person should have a passion in life and a goal so that gives her hope and courage to fight the cancer battle and win coz of the great desire to achieve this goal and live her passion.
It's the burning fuel that cures cancer coz of the desire to want to live.

I don't know of anyone who wants to die. Even people who commit suicide ... do they really wanna die if they had a choice?

We also never really give up on our dreams though we may put it on a side-burner, putting everyone's needs above ours, thinking we still have time.

But when you have cancer, time is not something you are sure of. You wanna live for now, do all the 1000 things on your bucket list in one month, if that is even possible, coz suddenly you realize time may be running out. (I love this song by Muse) You start thinking of yourself.

Ok that sounds a bit morbid, but as I try to be very positive and wanna be a survivor, and one day look back at this period of my life as a dark period but also a period where I learnt to value my life and the people around me, not to take things for granted and to simply be a better person, I do know that I play a small role in this. It is up to God.

Wigging it

I've been having some fun with my wigs. I have a few of them, and I give them names and personalities so it's easier when I decide which one goes with my outfits. Yeah cancer has not deterred me from going shopping and buying new stuff coz I just love dolling myself up.

I guess it's just my way of making the best of the situation that I'm in. I have not ventured outdoors bald. Just might scare some people away, plus I don't want people staring at me. In Malaysia, people tend to stare at you for the slightest reason.

Here are some of my different looks:

Time flies when you're on a weekly date

I call it the weekly date, simply coz I have to go for my chemo every week. Surprisingly the side-effects are minimal and I'm glad to say that some days I even forget that I am having cancer and receiving treatments.

With a wig on, some make-up and following a bit of fashion (I've been shopping the latest trends), nobody knows I'm battling breast cancer.

I tend to tire easily on some days and I have some body ache, but nothing that a massage can't ease.

My weekly massages are some of the things I look forward to besides the chance to go to the nearest mall for a quick retail therapy.

I've been trying to not be so picky with my food. My white blood count has been dropping weekly, even with my booster jabs, and my oncologist told me to eat whatever I want. Of course, I'm still careful not to eat processed food, and too much meat.

I miss traveling and going on holidays. My hubby has been planning our next holiday, which falls on my birthday in Februaury.  Plus it is also after my first phase of treatments end.

I simply can't wait for it.

And after looking at the options I had we narrowed it down to either Maldives or Tokyo.

We shall see.

Reality Check

Enjoying the last few good days left before I start on chemo number 5 on Tuesday, 28 Oct. It is the first one of 12 cycles (times) on the second phase of my chemo treatments.

Hope it goes well with my body with minimal side effects. Since I need to do it weekly for 3 bloody months, I need all the strength -- mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally. Would appreciate no drama during this time. I seem to be absorbing lots of negativity from the actions of other people. And seriously I could do with none of it. 

I'm the sort of person that loves to delve into things, probe into details, and in the end it affects me so badly. Sometimes people do not know that their actions affect me so much. I'm trying to not allow anything to affect me but it is a work in progress.

I have been praying on and off. I do believe that prayers from all my family members and friends are helping me tremendously. I thank everyone of you. I believe the prayers are helping me as I'm coping well with the side effects of chemo. 

Bald, blackish nail beds, dry skin and weird taste buds are nothing compared to what others are going through. I'm ever so grateful chemo has been kind to me so far.

Of course, some days I feel low as I hate to rely on others to help me. I hate feeling tired. I hate being a party pooper. I'm having cancer and I don't expect my hubs, Megan or my family to just focus on me, they have their lives.

Most battles you fight, you fight on your own anyway. Just as, if you die, people think about you less and less as the days go by.

Life just continues.

Thinking of death finally. It's time for me to research on the stats of how great are my chances of remission, etc for the kind of bitch of a cancer that I have. I can't put it off any longer.

It is only when faced with death that one comes alive.

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Being aware alone is not enough

This is the month of October, the breast cancer awareness month.

Most of us know of someone who is fighting cancer, has survived it or lost the fight.  I love this quote which I came across recently:

• Support the Fighters
• Admire the Survivors
• Honour the Taken

I feel that one should not only be aware of breast cancer, you should take action. Do your monthly self-test, and most of all go to the doctor to do an ultra-sound and mammogram (for those over 40 years old, I think). Early detection saves lives. 

Besides that research indicates that 30% of cancer is due to one's lifestyle. So eat a healthy diet -- cut down or cut out, dairy products, red meat, fatty food, processed food, sugar, alcohol and smoking, and be physically active and stress-free. 

Yes easier said than done. But try everything in small steps and eventually you will start feeling better and will incorporate more of the healthy practices into your lifestyle. Of course, you're allowed to have cheat days -- like that night out eating a succulent steak accompanied by a few glasses of red wine. Then get back on track the next day.

Yeah I know what you're thinking? You know of people that have led a healthy lifestyle and yet got breast cancer or some other form of cancer. That's true, no research is conclusive as to why our cancer cells become active. Ask any doctor, and she or he can't give you a firm answer simply because they don't know why. There are many factors involved.

There are many people who are smoking like a chimney, and boozing daily and eating meat frequently and they are still living right into their 80's. 

Well, I just reckon that you do your part in being healthy and stress-free and, the rest is out of our hands.

Back to the Pink October Month, as you all probably know that my mom passed away in June last year due to angio sarcoma of the breast. I, of all people should know better than to not get my breasts checked regularly. That's why I'm advising ladies to go get their breasts checked. 

My hubby pestered me to get an appoinment since February last year. But I still kept putting off visiting my doctor for my yearly check-up until one day I felt the pain in my ribs and numbness in my left arm, and finally found that painful lump just way at the bottom of my left breast.

So, take it from me, make the time and brave yourself to see the doctor now. It's so much better than having to go through chemo and fighting for your life.

* This video is great. Please watch it and share. It was done by a breast cancer support group here in Malaysia that consists of mainly breast cancer survivors and warriors; a truly helpful group of women whom I admire greatly for their strength, and for their generousity in sharing their knowledge to other breast cancer survivors, and everyone in general to raise the awareness of breast cancer.

Braving it for Chemotherapy

I've had 3 cyles of chemotherapy, each 3 weeks apart from the other. My next one is on Wednesday, 8th October.

I was really scared and didnt know what to expect for the first one. I read about how other patients reacted to them, (must remember everyone reacts to it differently) and I also asked my oncologist a whole load of questions prior to the treatment. He was very patient and his answers left me feeling confident that I would be fine.

My husband accompanied me for my first 2 cycles. I brought along my prayer book, some books to read, head-phones, ipad, some mints and a bottle of water. I decided to go alone for the third one, however, I got my friend to pick me up from the hospital after my treatment was over.

The whole process from getting your blood taken for a test, seeing your doctor and finally getting the go ahead to do your treatment takes around 3 to 4 hours. So it's fun to have someone to chat with for a bit, music to calm your nerves and some reading if you are up to it.

Chemo cocktail of AC drugs

My daughter made me this to remember that this is a healing journey for me; to get rid of all

the cancer cells, if any is still lurking around somewhere in my body.

The nurses at the chemotherapy daycare centre are all super good and friendly, and that makes things a whole lot easier for you. Especially when you're scared and need some reassurance that everything is gonna be alright.

I've always been scared of needles. Having a chemo port makes the process less painful.

All smiles just as the nurse is about to start the process.

Once the chemo drugs have been administered, they put you on drips for another 45 minutes. Then you're good to go.

Phew, the feeling when it's over and you just wanna go home and rest.

It takes about 4 hours when I start to feel all weird and nauseous, and it lasts between 4 to 7 days. After that I'm back to normal. I can eat, do my morning walks, cook, even go out for some shopping.

I'm afraid it's bad news, you have cancer

After the routine mammogram, I did the ultra-sound, both pretty uncomfortable when you have fibrocystic boobs. I noticed that the doctor kept going over the spot that I had found the lump. I don't like it when a doctor tells you that she isn't too happy with what she sees, however, to be very sure she needs me to get a biopsy done as soon as possible.

After the ultra-sound I went to see my breast surgeon. She looked at me and said the same thing she told my mom when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer 8 years ago. "I don't like what I see, you need to do a biopsy." Before that she also asked me why I had not come in last year for my check-up.

How could I tell her when I didn't know why I had not done my yearly check-up. My hubby kept reminding me to do so and I kept putting it off. And I guess that's why I'm in this situation, but I'm still lucky to have caught it at this stage.

My biopsy was scheduled the next day. It was painful, even though the doctor had injected me with pain killers. I have a low pain-threshold. I used whatever technique I knew, breathing technique and centering myself but I could still feel the discomfort when my flesh was being extracted from my dear boob.

I was in day-care so I could rest for a few hours in the hospital before I was allowed to go home.

I saw my breast doctor a few days later.  I just knew it wasn't good news.

As I went into her room with my 11-year-old daughter, my doctor looked at me and asked me if I had brought an adult family member. She asked if my sister was with me as my sister was also her patient. I told her no, and to just tell me my diagnosis. I was prepared for the news. Of course, nobody is prepared to hear, "you have cancer."

Since I 'll be be refering to my doctor a lot, I 'll use her name. Doctor Pat told me that I had invasive ductal carcinoma Stage 2B. She said they needed to remove the cancerous lump and also a few lymph nodes to see if they were carcinoma, and to do further tests.

My lumpectomy was done four days later, and they had found that one of my lymph nodes had cancerous cells in it. They removed the 2.1 cm lump and 13 lymph nodes. I stayed in the hospital for four days. I wasn't in pain or anything, just weak so I kept sleeping quite a bit. My sweet daughter kept me company and was actually my private little nurse.

When the results were out from the laboratory, about a week later,  my doctor informed me that I had Stage 2B estrogen progesterone postive and HERS 2 positive Grade 3 breast cancer.  Which meant that after chemotherapy and radiotherapy, I would be on hormone therapy for the next 5-10 years. Forced into an early menopause was not how I had planned my years ahead to be like. But I had to follow the medication if I was to be completely healed.

I'm really comfortable with my breast surgeon. She allowed me time to get over my shock of the news -- cry buckets, and was very caring. She felt that I needed to think it over with my husband and family, and to perhaps meet up with the oncologist that she had recommended just to see if I was comfortable with him.

My husband, daughter and I met up with the oncologist. He explained to us thoroughly the type of cancer I had and how the cells were dysfunctional, and also the kind of chemotherapy I would need.
I was to start with 4 rounds of 3-weekly AC drugs and 12 rounds of weekly Taxol drug. Then monthly, Herceptin drug, and Tamoxifen for 5 to 10 years.

I felt pretty comfortable with the doctor and he could answer most of my questions.  I was concerned about the side effects of the drugs and if I could cope well with it. Also, I needed to know the success rate for patients with my diagnosis. He seemed very positive. He said I was basically healthy and still young, and should do pretty well with the chemo course laid out for me.

We left the hospital feeling that at least I was going to get the best medical care to treat breast cancer. It's really important when you feel comfortable with your medical team and trust that you are in the best hands.

When you are facing cancer, good support from your family and friends matter. I'm lucky to have it all. Now everything lay in my hands; informed knowledge of my diagnosis, I can play an active role in my healing, and a correct mindset and attitude to battle cancer.

Ok who am I kidding? I was scared as hell, I kept thinking, WTF,  I had plans. I could now travel cheaply around the world, ( perks of being married to a pilot) , and here I was home-bound, gonna go bald and looking like I had escaped from prison, and God knows what kinda party the cancer cells are having in my body!

So much can happen within a year

I haven't written for nearly a year.

So much has happened, some good, some bad but all life-changing and need some adapting to on my path and those I'm close to.

Since my last post my fiancee and I went on a three week holiday to Europe. We visited Chamonix (France), Venice & Riomanggiore (Italy), and Belgium. It was an insightful holiday, more soul-searching whilst absorbing the lovely connections each place offered us. In a way it helped me heal within the many issues surrounding the death of someone who you always thought would be around. Many questions lingered but it always ended with the knowledge that the loved one is no longer suffering and is resting peacefully now.

We visited Iceland too at the end of the year but that was more for a medical purpose, so my fiancee could get his vision corrected. That would need another blog entry as it was one of the most beautiful countries I had ever visited, and the coldest too. I experienced snow for the very first time, yes, better late than never.

Earlier this year, I received some bad news on a trial that was ongoing for more than 2 years. The old, sick pervert was acquitted for all his wrongdoings. And we had lost two people along the way, and many lives, including mine have been shattered; which may require life-time counselling. But most importantly, a wrong act was not brought to justice, and innocent, helpless individuals were hurt and still hurting till today. The case is being appealed but I don't really care anymore. Justice will be served when this monster is dead.

Along the way I learnt about forgiveness. I didn't quite understand it at first. How could I forgive someone who had done evil to the one I love? But I slowly learnt that to forgive doesn't mean to accept what the person has done. It is just to acknowledge the situation and to move along. It's for your to heal and to get on with life. It's about me and not the perpetrator.

I guess that took awhile to sink in. All the accumulated stress didn't help me at all. My body was toxic, thriving on acidity.

Just a month after that we were in the middle of re-locating to a new country because my fiancee had a new job. My daughter was home-schooled for a few months, and we were getting used to a foreign land. The culture and lifestyle were very much alien to us but as with all things you do get used to it over time. In the mean time we made new friends and visited new places which were really fun.

I started feeling some numbness in my left arm, and some soreness in my left ribcage. I didnt think much of it and thought that the pain would go away eventually. I knew I was heading back to KL soon so if the pain was still there I would get it checked out.

Then things got pretty busy as we were getting married in June. A lot of preparation had to be done when one marries a foreigner. Documents needed to be translated to English, and endorsed by the Embassy before we could get them in order for submission. In all that excitement, I somewhat forgot about my discomfort in my arm. We had a small wedding celebration and were planning on going on our honeymoon when my hubby had his next vacation as he had just joined a new company. Bora Bora was worth the wait.

My mom's one year death anniversary was on the 29 June 2014.  Just few weeks before that I kept thinking of her more that I normally did, and dreamt of her.  Since the pain was still there, I self-examined my breast and found a lump just at the bottom of my left breast. It hurt and I just knew something wasn't right. The lumps I had prior to this never hurt this way. I made an appoinment with my regular breast doctor right away.

On 30th June 2014, my doctor told me that I had breast cancer. My world just collapsed. I had so many plans.