Can women have it all? (1/30 of the 30-day daily blog entry)

Yesterday was International Women's Day, and I was bombarded with lots of articles on women, especially those who have successfully made it in their careers yet still being able to juggle raising  families and having time for their husbands.

That of course got me thinking and reminiscing those days when I was that woman.

A year after I got married, we decided to have a child. I was then running my own aromatherapy centre, a small place which had a good clientele because the treatments were personalised. I carried them out myself with the help of another friend who was also a certified aromatherapist.

I continued working right until my tummy was so huge that it hit the side of the bed when I was carrying out treatments, and my clients used to giggle and asked me if I was fine. I loved my business and was passionate about my job so much so that most of the clients eventually became my friends, some until today. So being pregnant and working right till full term was my choice.

My home was an hour from my workplace which now I think was plain madness. It took two hours daily to commute but that didn't stop me from looking forward to go to work. From working for an international advertising agency to switching mode and running my own business gave me such an adrenaline rush that nothing ever stopped me from my work.

While pregnant I noticed that there was a shortage of funky fashion for pregnant women. I started designing maternity wear and began my foray into the fashion line with my label Funky Mama Maternity. I created colourful, shapely outfits that made pregnant woman look great. Never like a tent.

I was a happy camper; having not one but two businesses, a supportive husband and family, and ready to be a mom. Life was great. I was featured in a few women's magazines, always highlighting me as a role model -- successful in juggling and managing my home and career. I felt like a superwoman.  I tried my best to live up to it.

My gorgeous daughter, Megan Summer was born in 2003, and like all first-time parents we showered all our attention on her. She was the first born grandchild on my husband's side, and the fifth on my side. My mom stayed with us on weekdays and helped us to look after her while I was at work. I went back to work after one month confinement, and suffered a mild case of post-natal blues.

I felt overwhelmed with being a mom, and leaving my baby at home while I went to work. Though I loved my job, I just felt guilty when I was working. And when I was home, I felt happy but I also knew I couldn't do it daily and neglect my business coz I really wanted to work too.

My husband left it to me to decide if I had wanted to stop working and be a full-time housewife. He would support whatever decision I made; both of us had stay-at-home moms. We knew that made a difference to how our girl will be brought up. My mom was against me giving up my business because she believed that a woman should be financially-independent. She didn't want me to follow in her footsteps. We know that one of the reasons couples fight, and marriages break down is due to money. Usually the lack of it.

So I gave up my aromatherapy business and concentrated on Funky Mama Maternity. I was excited about it plus my work hours were flexible. Being an entrepreneur in a new business wasn't easy. I had to learn everything about fashion manufacturing and retailing. And it also being a one woman business set-up, I soon became overworked. Business was growing and in 2004, I opened my first retail outlet in Hartamas.

I juggled the best I could between growing my business, looking after my daughter and having a good relationship with my hubby. The priority was always my family, and I was lucky to have a good family support to fill in my role when I was working. That meant I couldn't help but miss some of the milestones Megan achieved growing up; her first step, her first words, etc. I also missed out on weekend outings as a family as I had to work, so my husband and Megan came to work with me in the shop and spent their weekends in the mall.

The long retail hours, though I had hired another salesgirl to help with boutique, soon had taken its  toll on me. I felt knackered when I was home after the shop closed at 10pm. My husband would be asleep when I got home, and as the months rolled on to years our relationship was affected.

Just 5 years after the shop was set up, we divorced. I just couldn't be 100 percent available in all the areas that mattered in my life. I felt I even neglected myself.

Do I blame myself? No. I did the best I could, but at that time I had placed so much pressure on myself and I just cracked under it all. And wanted to be free. Maybe amidst all the hectic schedules, and being there for everyone, I lost myself. Maybe if I just wasn't pushing myself so hard, and being a bit easy on myself, maybe things would have turned out differently. Maybe.

So to all women out there who is managing it well, I salute you. And for those who aren't, my advice is not to be so hard on yourself. Try to have time for yourself, to regroup your thoughts, and to focus on your happiness! And if you need help, ask.  

The 30-day blog entry challenge

I love writing, so it doesn't make sense that I choose to write less and less even though I have more to say and share. 

I've travelled 3 times this year, to Perth, Bangkok, Athens and Santorini, and would like to share some stuff that I've encountered in these wonderful places.

In the pipeline, is a few writing projects that I've been stalling for the longest time. It's now or never. 

I've read countless times before that you just have to start, don't wait for the perfect moment or the perfect words, just start. 

So to get me in the mode of moving my ass and stop procrastinating, I've decided to challenge my dreamy self to write a blog entry on a daily basis for 30 days. Yeah daily for a month!

Today is the first day, and I already have a bunch of topics that I want to write and share here. So yes, I'm excited about it, and will make time from my non-existent career or social life to sit and pen my thoughts. 

Follow me on this 30 days journey; I will write freely on things on my mind, from my past and stuff I encounter daily that got me thinking ... when you think, you react, you change and let's hope it's for the better!

2015 in retrospective - part 1

Another two more days to the year-end and the start of 2016. I feel grateful that I'm still here, tho I'm still undergoing Herceptin treatment till February, I feel almost back to normal, with some bone-ache and the pesky issue of  frozen shoulder -- all small matter compared to what I have already battled last year.

I always look back at the year in retrospective during this time of the year, -- what have I gone through that has made me change for the better or worse, which I accept is part of my journey and growth. 

I've been very gentle on my shortcomings, and loving myself more. Sounds pretty weird but nobody is gonna love you like you love yourself. Bahahaha. I've heard it repeatedly for the past few years that I have come to believe that we have got to start loving ourselves, forgiving ourselves and accepting ourselves and be at peace within. It starts with us. 

All that matters is love. Love yourself, love others, love more.

Be humble, grateful. Do good. Be kind, generous. Emphatize.

Family matters. Make time for your loved ones always. 

Most times we are so pre-occupied with ourselves and our issues that we forget that others have their battles to deal with that we may not even be aware of whether it's concerning their health, career or relationships. So I've tried to be a good friend to those in need yet at the same time drawing the line as to not get emotionally caught up in their lives. 

I've been very honest to some who ask me for my advice yet this had gotten me into trouble as apparently people do not like to hear an honest viewpoint from you, instead if you sugarcoat things to make them feel better then they accept you more. So now I know that. I try to stay away from these people as my honesty is what makes me me. One less friend to deal with:)

I have also learned that not all close friends are really true friends. Which leads me to a heartbreak I had this year. One of my best friends who went on a holiday with me actually stole my wedding ring from the safe deposit box in the hotel room. Of course she denies it but I know better, coz only she and I knew the password to the safe. 

To me, it wasn't about the ring but the fact that she picked that ring to hurt me and affect my relationship with my husband. She was defensive and had a nonchalant attitude about the whole ring issue, which is so out of character for her.  If I had listened to the police officer maybe she would now be in jail in a foreign land. I've always helped her and I believe I have been a true friend to her and it just broke my heart that she hated me so much to stoop to doing that to me. I can't think of any reason. If it was money she could have asked me for it. Money you can earn but betrayal of a 15-year friendship is one that makes you wonder as to why people do the things they do.  

One good friend gone but I have met a few new ones this year who have added meaning to my life. 

One understands my every battle over the recent tragedies I have undergone, and chooses to highlight the positive traits and strength that he sees in me, which in turn has made me feel special and want to get healthy once more to do all that I know I'm capable of. I need to have a goal to look forward to. 

Another new friend I  met this year who is  more attuned to healing works, has been guiding me on how to heal myself within so the cancer can be in remission. It's strange how the universe works in bringing people in your life and then removing those that no longer play a part in your life. So many lessons learnt along the way. Even the bad relationships teach you something good.

I have observed how some people forget that life is short and that you must make the most of it now. They work very hard, save a lot for the future, and in the process have made money the commodity that drives them forgetting that all that money is gonna be left behind when they die. 

Save sufficient for the future, yes, but not scrimp on those you love and on yourselves, so you can have the millions in your account,.. coz we all know that it will never be enough for the money hungry people. The richer you are, the more stingy you are! I have met people who haven't got much but they are so generous with others. And to me, that says so much that those who are calculative; I dont care if you have a few millions in your growing bank account but in my eyes you are poor in all that matters.

I am not perfect, never was and never will be, but I hope I inspire someone to think about stuff that they may have forgotten or taken for granted.

To all my readers, I wish you a happy and healthy new year! Go live life and be happy!

And thank you for your prayers and support:)

Pink October, I hate pink!

It's October once again, that month where I look down at my boobs and remember how they used to be, and the hell I've gone through that affects all things that make me feel feminine. (Screw what the feminists say). 

Hair, skin, nails and your mojo are all put to the test. Forced menopause, hot flashes, stunted hair growth, lost of confidence, uncontrollable weight gain, mood swings --it's mental and it's real. 

"But you're lucky to be alive?" 

Me: "Oh shut up already!

Wanna swap places?"

And when you see me, please don't ask me why I cut my hair so short. I didn't. Cancer made me bald and the hair you see now is my baby steps victory over cancer.

I want it so badly, I just gotta have it!

Have you ever wanted something so badly you would beg, borrow or steal for it?

 I saw fashionistas around the globe carry it; in all the different gorgeous colours. It looked so good teamed up with their outfits of the day (OOTD). It was sold out, everywhere. The website would sell out all the bags within the day it was available online.

I was on the waiting list, but they only informed you a few days in advance when the bag is gonna be in stock. And each time it was I would log on, and those bags would all be gone in a jiffy. I was frustrated and all the more I wanted this iconic crazy bucket bag that was not within my grasp.

Sounds familiar to you?

So I put word out that I was looking for this bag. And one day, a personal shopper who has friends in Italy managed to get this bucket bag for me. Bucket bags were all the rage, in fact they are still very much in demand.

I waited so many months for this bag and was so excited to finally own it. I love bags, well-made ones with good leather. Workmanship, design and aesthetics were important to me. Sometimes I liked stuff nobody did but who cares as long as I loved them.

So the seller was over an hour late due to an accident on the highway. That tested my patience as I was early for the meeting but I was still cool as I was finally gonna meet this gorgeous baby. It came in a big box and I had to literally carry it like a baby to my car.

Once home I opened the box, and took in the smell of the leather, felt it, looked at the design and the amount of work that went into making this much sought-after bag. It's amazing that all this time I've heard praises of how great this bag is, but somehow this bag was a let down for me. My heart didn't skip a beat when I saw it in person. I have high expectations, probably.

It doesn't compare to my Celine, Chanel, or Givenchy, not even close to LV, but at that price point of course it's on a different category all together. But still, it wasn't cheap.

This reminds me so much of an incident that happened when I was 18 years old. In those days there was only the landline telephone at home. I had spent weeks talking for hours on the phone to a guy. Then one day he asked me out on a date.

I agreed to go, though, believe it or not I was a shy girl back then who never went out dating. So it was like one of my first few dates ever with a guy. My mom even encouraged me to go out and meet this boy. I was homely and studious, and did crochet all day. I even baked cookies and cakes then.

To cut a long story short, when I did see this guy from afar, he was not good looking, and not what I always imagined him to look like (his fabulous voice didn't match his face, dammit!), so I ran away from the place before he had the chance to spot me in the crowd.

I didn't even wait for the bus, instead jumped into a taxi and came home. Till today I remember his name -- Fabian.  I was ashamed of myself, and I can't believe I did that.

My mom scolded me but my siblings thought it was hilarious yet also mean of me. Back in those days I chose looks over substance, (not that I'm good looking or anything) and that was my weakness. My heart literally sunk when I met this guy, the same way it sunk when I met this handbag.

Although I didn't really fancy this bag, I carried it, just to see if the leather would soften and if I could eventually fall in love with it. You know, akin to a girl meeting a boy she isn't lusting after -- but as the days go by she falls in love with the boy.

But nah, that didn't happen with this bag. So I've put word out on my IG that I'm selling my bucket bag. We're just not meant for each other. 

Anyone wants?

10 things to be happy about today

I have to admit I have been rather anti-social some time back and I have politely refused to meet up with friends who wanted to visit me. While I do enjoy the perks that come with having cancer, I'm getting tired to be talking about cancer. And friends though they mean well, have no idea that I do not want to discuss my cancer; whether I'm doing ok or if the cancer is gone,etc. Hence one of  the reasons for this blog so people I know get the information I wanna share about my health right here.

Anyway I have started to see friends again. And to my surprise, they have asked me very little about cancer. We talked about everything else. And it feels that my world is getting back to normal after all. 

So today, after my daily morning walk, I felt really happy and in a good place. I pondered on what made me happy today. Here goes:

1. I'm alive. Despite a little body and bone ache, I feel great. My skin is returning to a healthy colour and I don't look grey anymore. My hair is growing, slowly but surely. I'm regaining my strength.

2. I have a great family. A crazy hubby who has a good heart and is very generous with me. A daughter who is growing up too soon but has progressed so well through the years. My dad who is awesome and visits me weekly. My siblings who are always there for me.

3. I have loads of wonderful friends. I have started to meet up with them and will continue to do so. Maybe they hate to talk about my cancer too as it can't be easy saying the right things to a person who has been through an illness.

4. I can work when and if I want to. No pressure or stress. Just focus on getting healthy again.

5. I have the time to catch up on my reading and writing, and to start studying any subject that interests me. I can even go back to starting a hobby like painting.

6. I'm half way through my Herceptin treatments, and can't wait for it to be over so I don't have to visit the hospital every 3 weeks.

7. Online shopping. I can't seem to get enough of exploring all the e-stores out there. Love it!

8. Marathon movie-watching sessions on Netflix.

9. I love hanging out at home. There are days where I can stay in and not bother to step out at all. All I need is at home.

10. My time alone makes me happy. I have so much to work within myself. As we know, happiness is an inside job!

Post-chemo thoughts

I haven't been posting anything for a bit now.  It's not that I haven't had anything to say but I was simply too busy to really have the time to sit down and pen my thoughts. Plus I've been lazy. I have much to say when I'm down in the doldrums or deliriously happy instead of in a plain normal mode.

I've been travelling a lot these past 2 months -- to Europe and the States but that deserves another post with pictures, of course. * Hint, I visited Niagara Falls coz it was on my bucket list.

Post-chemo time is great in so many ways. You suddenly feel free to jump back into the pace of  your daily life, instead of feeling and looking sick, then counting the days before you feel better and ready for your next chemo.  Well, I still have to continue my Herceptin treatments every 3 weeks but there is no side effects from it. So basically apart from getting healthy again, I have nothing much to stress over. Just eat healthy, exercise and do nothing that annoys me. 

If only it was that simple. 

I'm lucky that I can take my time to get back to the daily routine of life. You can never jump back in to daily routine, more of easing your way in. And things do seem the same, yet different. Every morning instead of drinking coffee first I now make my own vegetable juice and have it instead.

When it comes to work, well, I'm working freelance and that means I get to choose which projects I want to work on. I also have my handbag business to concentrate on but it's nothing too major that will stress me out. That's good as we all  know that stress is not good for cancer.

I'm so happy that I have the freedom to do as I please as I'm still having a delayed reaction to having cancer. It's been nearly a year that I had been admitted to the hospital and had undergone the whole range of treatments. My mind can't seem to focus on anything else. All I think is how do I build my immune system, what type of exercises should I do, what kind of juice and diet do I need and if I could ever afford organice vegetables and fruits to help me lead a healhty life?

My biggest fear is wondering if all the treatments that I have endured had successfully killed all my active cancer cells? Am I in remission? I will only know this when I do my check-up in early July, a month from now. 

There will always be this fear in me because like I've said before, I can do my part to fight the cancer but the rest is out of my hands. I have the best medical treatments, fab doctors and great support system (except for a few bad apples), and yet I really can't be sure that I will be around for the next 5 or 10 years to see my daughter graduate? And that's a gloomy outlook even for someone who has until now had a positive attitude in dealing with my cancer.

It will always be on my mind, once you have cancer it stays with you just like herpes. Only thing is that herpes doesn't kill you. I have had nights where I have woken up panicking thinking that the cancer is back and I'm gonna die. I even have to tell myself that death aint that bad, so calm down and breathe. I just hate to live in fear. The unknown. 

My friends tell me that they admire my strength in undergoing what I have but some days I feel weak. I'm so tired. Tired of the battle. Tired of being strong. Tired of the whole cancer stuff.   

Travelling helps me forget what I'm going through and to just enjoy new places and new experiences, but it is always at the back of my mind.

No matter how postive I am on my good days, thoughts of cancer returning never really leave my mind. Today, I wish I never had cancer! It has scarred me -- mentally, physically, emotionally.