Time flies when you're on a weekly date

I call it the weekly date, simply coz I have to go for my chemo every week. Surprisingly the side-effects are minimal and I'm glad to say that some days I even forget that I am having cancer and receiving treatments.

With a wig on, some make-up and following a bit of fashion (I've been shopping the latest trends), nobody knows I'm battling breast cancer.

I tend to tire easily on some days and I have some body ache, but nothing that a massage can't ease.

My weekly massages are some of the things I look forward to besides the chance to go to the nearest mall for a quick retail therapy.

I've been trying to not be so picky with my food. My white blood count has been dropping weekly, even with my booster jabs, and my oncologist told me to eat whatever I want. Of course, I'm still careful not to eat processed food, and too much meat.

I miss traveling and going on holidays. My hubby has been planning our next holiday, which falls on my birthday in Februaury.  Plus it is also after my first phase of treatments end.

I simply can't wait for it.

And after looking at the options I had we narrowed it down to either Maldives or Tokyo.

We shall see.

Reality Check

Enjoying the last few good days left before I start on chemo number 5 on Tuesday, 28 Oct. It is the first one of 12 cycles (times) on the second phase of my chemo treatments.

Hope it goes well with my body with minimal side effects. Since I need to do it weekly for 3 bloody months, I need all the strength -- mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally. Would appreciate no drama during this time. I seem to be absorbing lots of negativity from the actions of other people. And seriously I could do with none of it. 

I'm the sort of person that loves to delve into things, probe into details, and in the end it affects me so badly. Sometimes people do not know that their actions affect me so much. I'm trying to not allow anything to affect me but it is a work in progress.

I have been praying on and off. I do believe that prayers from all my family members and friends are helping me tremendously. I thank everyone of you. I believe the prayers are helping me as I'm coping well with the side effects of chemo. 

Bald, blackish nail beds, dry skin and weird taste buds are nothing compared to what others are going through. I'm ever so grateful chemo has been kind to me so far.

Of course, some days I feel low as I hate to rely on others to help me. I hate feeling tired. I hate being a party pooper. I'm having cancer and I don't expect my hubs, Megan or my family to just focus on me, they have their lives.

Most battles you fight, you fight on your own anyway. Just as, if you die, people think about you less and less as the days go by.

Life just continues.

Thinking of death finally. It's time for me to research on the stats of how great are my chances of remission, etc for the kind of bitch of a cancer that I have. I can't put it off any longer.

It is only when faced with death that one comes alive.

.

Being aware alone is not enough

This is the month of October, the breast cancer awareness month.

Most of us know of someone who is fighting cancer, has survived it or lost the fight.  I love this quote which I came across recently:

• Support the Fighters
• Admire the Survivors
• Honour the Taken

I feel that one should not only be aware of breast cancer, you should take action. Do your monthly self-test, and most of all go to the doctor to do an ultra-sound and mammogram (for those over 40 years old, I think). Early detection saves lives. 

Besides that research indicates that 30% of cancer is due to one's lifestyle. So eat a healthy diet -- cut down or cut out, dairy products, red meat, fatty food, processed food, sugar, alcohol and smoking, and be physically active and stress-free. 

Yes easier said than done. But try everything in small steps and eventually you will start feeling better and will incorporate more of the healthy practices into your lifestyle. Of course, you're allowed to have cheat days -- like that night out eating a succulent steak accompanied by a few glasses of red wine. Then get back on track the next day.

Yeah I know what you're thinking? You know of people that have led a healthy lifestyle and yet got breast cancer or some other form of cancer. That's true, no research is conclusive as to why our cancer cells become active. Ask any doctor, and she or he can't give you a firm answer simply because they don't know why. There are many factors involved.

There are many people who are smoking like a chimney, and boozing daily and eating meat frequently and they are still living right into their 80's. 

Well, I just reckon that you do your part in being healthy and stress-free and, the rest is out of our hands.

Back to the Pink October Month, as you all probably know that my mom passed away in June last year due to angio sarcoma of the breast. I, of all people should know better than to not get my breasts checked regularly. That's why I'm advising ladies to go get their breasts checked. 

My hubby pestered me to get an appoinment since February last year. But I still kept putting off visiting my doctor for my yearly check-up until one day I felt the pain in my ribs and numbness in my left arm, and finally found that painful lump just way at the bottom of my left breast.

So, take it from me, make the time and brave yourself to see the doctor now. It's so much better than having to go through chemo and fighting for your life.

* This video is great. Please watch it and share. It was done by a breast cancer support group here in Malaysia that consists of mainly breast cancer survivors and warriors; a truly helpful group of women whom I admire greatly for their strength, and for their generousity in sharing their knowledge to other breast cancer survivors, and everyone in general to raise the awareness of breast cancer.

Braving it for Chemotherapy

I've had 3 cyles of chemotherapy, each 3 weeks apart from the other. My next one is on Wednesday, 8th October.

I was really scared and didnt know what to expect for the first one. I read about how other patients reacted to them, (must remember everyone reacts to it differently) and I also asked my oncologist a whole load of questions prior to the treatment. He was very patient and his answers left me feeling confident that I would be fine.

My husband accompanied me for my first 2 cycles. I brought along my prayer book, some books to read, head-phones, ipad, some mints and a bottle of water. I decided to go alone for the third one, however, I got my friend to pick me up from the hospital after my treatment was over.

The whole process from getting your blood taken for a test, seeing your doctor and finally getting the go ahead to do your treatment takes around 3 to 4 hours. So it's fun to have someone to chat with for a bit, music to calm your nerves and some reading if you are up to it.

Chemo cocktail of AC drugs

My daughter made me this to remember that this is a healing journey for me; to get rid of all

the cancer cells, if any is still lurking around somewhere in my body.

The nurses at the chemotherapy daycare centre are all super good and friendly, and that makes things a whole lot easier for you. Especially when you're scared and need some reassurance that everything is gonna be alright.

I've always been scared of needles. Having a chemo port makes the process less painful.

All smiles just as the nurse is about to start the process.

Once the chemo drugs have been administered, they put you on drips for another 45 minutes. Then you're good to go.

Phew, the feeling when it's over and you just wanna go home and rest.

It takes about 4 hours when I start to feel all weird and nauseous, and it lasts between 4 to 7 days. After that I'm back to normal. I can eat, do my morning walks, cook, even go out for some shopping.

I'm afraid it's bad news, you have cancer

After the routine mammogram, I did the ultra-sound, both pretty uncomfortable when you have fibrocystic boobs. I noticed that the doctor kept going over the spot that I had found the lump. I don't like it when a doctor tells you that she isn't too happy with what she sees, however, to be very sure she needs me to get a biopsy done as soon as possible.

After the ultra-sound I went to see my breast surgeon. She looked at me and said the same thing she told my mom when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer 8 years ago. "I don't like what I see, you need to do a biopsy." Before that she also asked me why I had not come in last year for my check-up.

How could I tell her when I didn't know why I had not done my yearly check-up. My hubby kept reminding me to do so and I kept putting it off. And I guess that's why I'm in this situation, but I'm still lucky to have caught it at this stage.

My biopsy was scheduled the next day. It was painful, even though the doctor had injected me with pain killers. I have a low pain-threshold. I used whatever technique I knew, breathing technique and centering myself but I could still feel the discomfort when my flesh was being extracted from my dear boob.

I was in day-care so I could rest for a few hours in the hospital before I was allowed to go home.

I saw my breast doctor a few days later.  I just knew it wasn't good news.

As I went into her room with my 11-year-old daughter, my doctor looked at me and asked me if I had brought an adult family member. She asked if my sister was with me as my sister was also her patient. I told her no, and to just tell me my diagnosis. I was prepared for the news. Of course, nobody is prepared to hear, "you have cancer."

Since I 'll be be refering to my doctor a lot, I 'll use her name. Doctor Pat told me that I had invasive ductal carcinoma Stage 2B. She said they needed to remove the cancerous lump and also a few lymph nodes to see if they were carcinoma, and to do further tests.

My lumpectomy was done four days later, and they had found that one of my lymph nodes had cancerous cells in it. They removed the 2.1 cm lump and 13 lymph nodes. I stayed in the hospital for four days. I wasn't in pain or anything, just weak so I kept sleeping quite a bit. My sweet daughter kept me company and was actually my private little nurse.

When the results were out from the laboratory, about a week later,  my doctor informed me that I had Stage 2B estrogen progesterone postive and HERS 2 positive Grade 3 breast cancer.  Which meant that after chemotherapy and radiotherapy, I would be on hormone therapy for the next 5-10 years. Forced into an early menopause was not how I had planned my years ahead to be like. But I had to follow the medication if I was to be completely healed.

I'm really comfortable with my breast surgeon. She allowed me time to get over my shock of the news -- cry buckets, and was very caring. She felt that I needed to think it over with my husband and family, and to perhaps meet up with the oncologist that she had recommended just to see if I was comfortable with him.

My husband, daughter and I met up with the oncologist. He explained to us thoroughly the type of cancer I had and how the cells were dysfunctional, and also the kind of chemotherapy I would need.
I was to start with 4 rounds of 3-weekly AC drugs and 12 rounds of weekly Taxol drug. Then monthly, Herceptin drug, and Tamoxifen for 5 to 10 years.

I felt pretty comfortable with the doctor and he could answer most of my questions.  I was concerned about the side effects of the drugs and if I could cope well with it. Also, I needed to know the success rate for patients with my diagnosis. He seemed very positive. He said I was basically healthy and still young, and should do pretty well with the chemo course laid out for me.

We left the hospital feeling that at least I was going to get the best medical care to treat breast cancer. It's really important when you feel comfortable with your medical team and trust that you are in the best hands.

When you are facing cancer, good support from your family and friends matter. I'm lucky to have it all. Now everything lay in my hands; informed knowledge of my diagnosis, I can play an active role in my healing, and a correct mindset and attitude to battle cancer.

Ok who am I kidding? I was scared as hell, I kept thinking, WTF,  I had plans. I could now travel cheaply around the world, ( perks of being married to a pilot) , and here I was home-bound, gonna go bald and looking like I had escaped from prison, and God knows what kinda party the cancer cells are having in my body!

So much can happen within a year

I haven't written for nearly a year.

So much has happened, some good, some bad but all life-changing and need some adapting to on my path and those I'm close to.

Since my last post my fiancee and I went on a three week holiday to Europe. We visited Chamonix (France), Venice & Riomanggiore (Italy), and Belgium. It was an insightful holiday, more soul-searching whilst absorbing the lovely connections each place offered us. In a way it helped me heal within the many issues surrounding the death of someone who you always thought would be around. Many questions lingered but it always ended with the knowledge that the loved one is no longer suffering and is resting peacefully now.

We visited Iceland too at the end of the year but that was more for a medical purpose, so my fiancee could get his vision corrected. That would need another blog entry as it was one of the most beautiful countries I had ever visited, and the coldest too. I experienced snow for the very first time, yes, better late than never.

Earlier this year, I received some bad news on a trial that was ongoing for more than 2 years. The old, sick pervert was acquitted for all his wrongdoings. And we had lost two people along the way, and many lives, including mine have been shattered; which may require life-time counselling. But most importantly, a wrong act was not brought to justice, and innocent, helpless individuals were hurt and still hurting till today. The case is being appealed but I don't really care anymore. Justice will be served when this monster is dead.

Along the way I learnt about forgiveness. I didn't quite understand it at first. How could I forgive someone who had done evil to the one I love? But I slowly learnt that to forgive doesn't mean to accept what the person has done. It is just to acknowledge the situation and to move along. It's for your to heal and to get on with life. It's about me and not the perpetrator.

I guess that took awhile to sink in. All the accumulated stress didn't help me at all. My body was toxic, thriving on acidity.

Just a month after that we were in the middle of re-locating to a new country because my fiancee had a new job. My daughter was home-schooled for a few months, and we were getting used to a foreign land. The culture and lifestyle were very much alien to us but as with all things you do get used to it over time. In the mean time we made new friends and visited new places which were really fun.

I started feeling some numbness in my left arm, and some soreness in my left ribcage. I didnt think much of it and thought that the pain would go away eventually. I knew I was heading back to KL soon so if the pain was still there I would get it checked out.

Then things got pretty busy as we were getting married in June. A lot of preparation had to be done when one marries a foreigner. Documents needed to be translated to English, and endorsed by the Embassy before we could get them in order for submission. In all that excitement, I somewhat forgot about my discomfort in my arm. We had a small wedding celebration and were planning on going on our honeymoon when my hubby had his next vacation as he had just joined a new company. Bora Bora was worth the wait.

My mom's one year death anniversary was on the 29 June 2014.  Just few weeks before that I kept thinking of her more that I normally did, and dreamt of her.  Since the pain was still there, I self-examined my breast and found a lump just at the bottom of my left breast. It hurt and I just knew something wasn't right. The lumps I had prior to this never hurt this way. I made an appoinment with my regular breast doctor right away.

On 30th June 2014, my doctor told me that I had breast cancer. My world just collapsed. I had so many plans.

When your number is up, you have to go

I took time to grieve. A stranger looking at me would never know that I was grieving within. I couldn't come to terms with the fact that I wasn't by my mom's bedside when she passed on. It was fated -- I've never seen a person die. I don't think I could forget that moment as I tend to replay things in my mind unintentionally. It would have been a torture.

My mom was always scared of dying. But I think at the end of her journey, she accepted her faith and left it in God's hands. She used to jokingly say to the doctors that she was the chosen one, or one in a million as having angio sarcoma was rare in Malaysia. 

She appeared jovial yet was very scared inside. She would say that we all had a number, and once our number is up, we have to go. She also reminded us to appreciate and say all the things we wanted to say to a person when the person is alive and not when the person is dead.

But I for one seriously thought that my mom would not have gone so soon. And so there were things both of us had left unspoken.

She had the fighting spirit but her body just couldn't cope with the aggression of the cancer.It spread viciously and attacked her organs and within a year she left us.

The only solace I can find is the fact that she had her final wish of not suffering in agony and not looking like a skeleton which is the case when one dies because of cancer. She looked like she was sleeping peacefully with a hint of a smile.

It's been less than four months. The pain of losing her never ceases, but I know she would want us to be happy and to live life fully. Rest now mama.

 This one is for you.


                                               Smiling from heaven

       

You held on for as long as you could

God saw your struggles, saw your pain

And took you home.

Worry not about us

Our tears, our sorrows we cannot hide

But in time we will get by.

Rest now sweet Mama for nothing was in vain

We remember all your words, your guidance

We hear your voice within us.

We feel your presence in our hearts

The memories with you

we cherish forever.

Watch over us and guide us from above

Even nag at us,

we know you want to.

We long so much to hold and hug you,

If only for a second

And tell you we will be fine.

We love and miss you Mama

So keep smiling from heaven,

until we meet again.